One Hundred and Seven Days
by Maybelline1802
Summary: Derek comes home from New York after leaving with Addison and sees Meredith. R&R please!
1. Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Alright, this is my first Grey's fic. Just a one shot. Hope you like. R&R please :)

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the places or anything of the sort. Just the idea.

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"Pick me. Choose me. Love me." 

Those were the words that Meredith had said to Derek that night, all those months ago. Those words he still remembered. He'd loved her that night, and every night after. They'd kept in touch after he'd left Seattle, returning to New York for awhile. He'd had to escape with Addison for awhile. Meredith's presence was all consuming, and he couldn't control himself with her around. There was no chance that he could make his marriage work, seeing her gorgeous face every day.

So now, one hundred and seven days later, he was waiting to land at the Seattle Airport. He tightened his hand around the letter he'd received days ago from Richard, requesting his return. Addison back with Mark, he was more than happy to oblige.

One hundred and seven days. One hundred and seven days of never really loving Addison despite their efforts. One hundred and seven days of brief emails and IM messages; of continually deciphering the hidden meaning behind Meredith's words. One hundred and seven days of loving Meredith more and more. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder.

She didn't know he was coming home. He didn't tell her. He nodded to the flight attendant as he walked slowly down the steps of the aircraft and into the arrivals terminal. There were no familiar faces: he hadn't expected any. Hailing a taxi cab, he swung his small suitcase into the backseat and gave him an address.

It was dark by the time he arrived at the big house. A light was on in the kitchen, and one upstairs. He paid the cab driver and began the long walk to the door. He hesitated, his fist poised to knock. Finally he tapped on the door; lightly at first and then more persistently. The door opened slowly to reveal Meredith Grey, still in her scrubs with a small carton of strawberry ice cream in her hand.

"Hi," she said blandly. A look of comprehension suddenly crossed her face, and forgetting herself, forgetting he was married, and forgetting the past. One hundred and seven days melted away as she threw herself into his arms. The ice cream, also forgotten, dripped a creamy pink puddle onto the hardwood flooring.

Derek inhaled her scent, burying his hands and face in her hair. She smelled of a hospital, but also of the sweetness of a fruity shampoo. "I'm picking you, choosing you… loving you," he whispered in her ear.

She never bothered saying that it was better late than never.

---

Timeworn expressions describing love are often brushed off as clichés with no real value in them. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," or the famous "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it's yours and always will be. If it does not return, it never was and never will be yours." But contrary to popular belief, there is more value in them than one might think. One hundred and seven days is not long to wait for love. Believe: someone will pick you, choose you… love you.

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Maybelline 


	2. Thinking with your Heart

Well, this was intended as a one shot, except that I've gotten a request for more, and I've decided to put up another chapter. If anyone thinks that this chapter has detracted from the original piece, please let me know and I won't write anymore on this piece. Hope you enjoy :)

Thanks to my reviewers for their words of encouragement. This chappie is for you guys.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Grey's or the characters, just the idea... you know the drill.

Oh, I've changed the rating from K+ to T for the bit at the end, just to be safe.

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"Look at the stars," Meredith gasped. An unusually clear Seattle night sky displayed a few dim stars, more than one can see on an ordinary evening. She looked beautiful even in her scrubs, her face flushed with the exhilaration of Derek's return. Derek walked a short ways behind her, laughing with her and enjoying her childish freedoms. They walked down the middle of the dark street talking quietly, one hundred and seven days having melted away. 

Meredith shivered suddenly, not from the cool Seattle air but from the sheer delight of Derek's return. She'd counted the days he'd been gone. She'd waited for him, for one hundred and seven days. Not that she would ever tell him. No… he'd think she was crazy. She looked up at him and he smiled; slowly, perfectly, McDreamily.

Derek felt a small, cold hand slip into his own. Their skin tingled at the touch of the other. Meredith shivered again, and he gave her hand a gentle squeeze. This felt right, completely natural. There was no more waiting. No more waiting for this. He drank in the moment. A handful of stars glittered faintly overhead as the two of them walked slowly down the centerline, hand in hand, forgetting the past and living in the moment. A moment he never wanted to end.

"Let's go back," Meredith said. She was beginning to get cold, wearing nothing but her scrubs. Derek nodded, and took off his leather jacket and placed it around her slim shoulders. She sighed happily; the smooth, warm leather on her bare skin was almost erotic. Derek pulled her close, his arm snaking around her waist. She rested her head on his shoulder as they walked, perfectly in step with each other.

By the time they arrived back at Meredith's house, Izzie and George were home, in the middle of a slightly confused argument.

"She wouldn't pack a suitcase and then leave without it!" George was saying.

"It's quite a nice suitcase," Izzie speculated. "Are you sure it's hers?"

"What, I can't have nice suitcases?" Meredith interjected. Her two friends looked up, relief on their faces. The relief slowly changed to shock as they took in the sight of Meredith wearing Derek's jacket, and Derek standing comfortably to her left.

"You're back, Dr. Shepherd," George finally said awkwardly.

"He's back," Meredith smiled shyly.

"I'm back," Derek replied easily. "And please, outside of the hospital, Derek is fine."

"Right, right… Derek," he mumbled.

"Would you like something to eat?" Izzie offered, staring at the two as she gestured into the house, "I think there's some pancakes in the fridge from this morning."

"That would be nice," he said, and the discomfited foursome moved towards the kitchen.

"They're quite good once you put them in the toaster," Izzie said as she popped the rubbery pancakes into the toaster.

"I'm sure," Derek squeezed Meredith's hand under the table. She smiled at him. "You're awfully quiet," he said in a low voice.

She shrugged, "Just enjoying you being home," she whispered back. George set plates on the table with a quiet clatter, looking at the two suspiciously.

"W-where's Addison?" he blurted.

"George!" Izzie said as the pancakes popped up, still rather rubbery looking.

"Still in New York," Derek said, leaving out that she'd gone back to Mark. He knew he had to tell Meredith. The question was shining in her eyes as she looked into his. Those gorgeous eyes that made it difficult for the young woman to hide anything. He held her gaze and hoped she would understand.

"Here ya go," Izzie dropped pancakes on their plates. When she turned around, Meredith poked them subtly with her fork. They didn't look very edible. She took a deep breath and popped a piece in her mouth anyway. They tasted alright, but it was like chewing rubber. She delicately set the fork down on the table and swallowed hard. Derek took a bite of his own and gave her a funny look. She laughed as he made the polite effort to finish the pancake.

"They're terrible, I know," Izzie said as she bit into her own. "You don't have to eat it. They taste horrible warmed up."

"But you said –" Derek began.

"It's just what we keep telling ourselves about leftovers," George said, his chin resting in his hand."

"Well thanks for the food, but I should get going. I've got to see if I can find a hotel to stay in until I can get my trailer set up again." Derek said standing up.

Izzie and George pretended not to be listening as Meredith said, "You could stay here, you know. We've got a couch, and… and beds… that have blankets…" she finished lamely.

Derek smiled, "I'd like that."

"Me too."

Leaving Izzie and George laughing silently at the table, Meredith and Derek took the stairs up to Meredith's room, oblivious to the world around them. As Derek gently lowered her onto the bed, he thought of Addison. Of all the times for the firey red head to pop into his head, why now? He stopped kissing her, taking a moment to think. But before he could think about it, he heard her whisper, "I love you, Derek," and he heard himself respond.

"Addison went back to Mark."

She stared at him, her hands on his chest, ready to push him off.

---

Think with your head, but never forget to give your heart some input. Those who act strictly on the impulses of their hearts fail to respect the hearts of others. Those who carefully plan and execute every action and movement without consulting their heart will never truly live and enjoy their lives. There has to be a fine balance between the two, respecting the hearts of both yourself and the people you love.

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Maybelline 


	3. Honesty is the Best Policy

Well, here's another chapter. There's a lot of dialogue in this one, which was rather difficult to write. Replies are much welcome. Hope you enjoy :)

**Disclaimer:** See previous chapters.

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"Meredith, let me explain," Derek said as she shoved him off of her, fury and hurt flashing in her eyes.

"Why should I give you the chance, Derek? So you can hurt me again? So I can find out that I really am your second choice? That the only reason you're back here with me is because Addison wouldn't have you?" Meredith's voice had started as a low hiss, and had risen steadily until she was yelling. She saw a flicker of fear in Derek's eyes and that spurred her on. She would make him feel every ounce of hurt that he had ever caused her.

"Meredith, please –" he began to beg her to stop, but she wouldn't hear it.

"No, you don't get to talk right now. It is my turn. I begged you to pick me, and you picked her. You left to make your marriage work with her without so much as telling me you would be leaving. I hated you for that, and I still don't forgive you for leaving," she paused to let that sink in, seeing the obvious hurt on his face and took a deep breath to continue. She opened her mouth, but Derek grabbed her arm, radiating determination.

"I love you Meredith. I have loved you every day since the day I met you. You saved my life, and I am forever in your debt to that. Now please let me explain. There is an explanation that will show you that you are way off base in this." He stopped, allowing her to choose if she wanted to give him a chance.

Meredith paused for a moment, considering her options. She loved him more than anything. She didn't know if she could trust him, but she had to give him the opportunity. But she had to make him hurt… didn't she?

"Ok. Tell me." She said resignedly.

"I left Seattle to try and make the marriage I was bound into work. I love Addison. She was my wife. She left me for Mark, and I still love her. Nothing will change that. I am not back here because she won't have me. I am back here because she's given me the freedom to love you." He paused, examining Meredith. Her hair was coming out of its loose ponytail, scrubs askew and tears welling up in her gorgeous eyes.

"But Meredith, I love you differently. I love you more than you can ever imagine, in a way that is in no way comfortable for me. I can't help but love you. You infuriate me, you frustrate me to know end, and yet I can't ever get you off my mind. I can't stop looking at you; I can't stop thinking about you. Meredith, I love you in a way that scares me half to death, but I have to try, you have to give me the chance to show you that I love you and I am serious when I say that I want to spend the rest of my life with you." He realized what he'd been saying, and this scared him even more. He nearly asked her to marry him.

She slowly nodded, tears pouring down her face. "I know," she whispered. "Derek, I waited one hundred and seven days for you to come back. I counted those days," she admitted to him, knowing he loved her and that he wouldn't care.

She began to rethink that thought however as a strange look slowly spread across his face. "I counted them too," he managed to choke out.

---

Honesty is always the best policy. Without honesty, there cannot be trust, and without trust there cannot be love. It's important to be honest with yourself first however; if you can't be honest with yourself, then there is no possibility that you will be able to be honest with the one you love. Be honest. Let yourself love. Let yourself be able to wait one hundred and seven days.

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Maybelline


	4. Live in the Moment

Here's another chapter! It's a bit longer than the previous ones, due to the request of _NurseKrissy_. I'd like to thank you all for your reviews! They're very encouraging, and it means a lot to hear that people like my work. Don't be afraid to critique as well though. I've included a little dig at Finn (who I never really liked) and a salute to T.R. Knight. See if you can find them.

**Disclaimer:** See previous chapters.

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"Morning," Derek murmured as he gave Meredith a gentle peck on the cheek.

"Morning," she smiled sleepily, snuggling deeper under the covers and into his arms. He was warm, and their bodies fit perfectly together. The events of the previous night fresh in her mind, she wrapped her arm around his waist and traced her finger slowly up his spine. She felt him tense slightly and she smiled, enjoying the power she had over this man who had her helpless with nothing more than a cool blue eyed stare.

"Do you have to work today?" he asked her as he gently wrapped her hair around his finger.

She sighed. "Yeah, I do. I've got a couple of minor surgeries that I have to scrub in on," her face brightened, "But I've got the next two days off." Two days was unusual, but she'd definitely earned it. Since Derek had left, she had thrown herself into her work, giving up many of her days off to spend more time in the hospital dealing with other people's problems, and worrying far less about her own.

"Well, I don't start work until Monday," he said, "So I have the weekend off too." He had a mischievous glint in his eye. "How about you pack an overnight bag, and when you get off work today, I'll take you somewhere."

"Do I get to know where we're going?" Meredith asked slyly. She wasn't much one for surprises. Not to mention, how was she supposed to know what to pack if she didn't know where she was going?

"Sorry Mer, you're just going to have to wait and see," Derek teased. She pouted. God, was she cute when she pouted. He kissed her again and rolled out of bed. "I suggest you pack something warm, and something sexy," he smiled cheekily at her as he walked naked across the room and into the bathroom across the hall.

"OH MY GOD!" George's yell echoed through the house. "Can't you knock?!"

Derek came running back across the hall, grinning sheepishly. Meredith was laughing at him. The complete and utter hilarity of the entire situation was an incredible contrast to intensity of the night before. "Serves you right," Meredith said as she sat up, pulling the sheets around her.

"Well, I didn't expect George to be getting into the shower just now." This admission set Meredith off into another fit of giggles.

"What's going on?" Izzie's voice floated up the stairs.

"Nothing!" three voices chorused. Their unison really made the lie even less believable.

A quarter of an hour later, Derek and Meredith pulled their seats into the table where Izzie had placed a large mound of French toast. "Ooh, hot," Meredith gasped as she picked one up onto her plate. Izzie was in the process of smothering hers with syrup. "Would you like some toast with that syrup, Izz?" Meredith teased.

"Its _light_ syrup," Izzie said confidently, "It doesn't count." Everyone laughed.

"What did I miss?" George asked as he came down the stairs, his wet hair sticking out everywhere.

"Oh, Derek was just telling us about how happy you were to see him in the bathroom this morning," Izzie grinned. Meredith and Derek had filled her in on the events of the morning while she served up breakfast. George managed to look nothing short of mortified at the entire experience, and he sat down and ate his breakfast in silence. As he got up from the table and headed towards the front door with Izzie, he sent Derek a parting shot.

"Not all of us like to see other men naked," he joked.

"Oh, just like George to leave with Izzie and not help with the cleanup," Meredith mumbled.

"Go to work," Derek said, picking up the plates, "The sooner you get going, the sooner I'll get to see you again. I'll clean up the dishes. I don't have a lot to do today."

"Oh, thank you so much," Meredith planted a kiss on his cheek. "You're the best."

"No problem. Now get to work!" Derek tapped her behind with the dishcloth and she gave her best 'shocked' look. She smiled coyly at him, grabbed her keys, and ran out the door. Derek shook his head and laughed to himself. He loved her slightly disheveled and unorganized demeanor.

A half hour later, the kitchen was cleaner than it had probably been in… well, frankly months. Hopefully Izzie would enjoy a clean kitchen as much as she enjoyed making a mess of it. Pleased with his work, Derek called a cab and set off planning his surprise for Meredith.

"Well, you're looking good this morning," Christina said as Meredith smiled to herself while shutting her locker in the locker room, "What did you do?"

"Why do you always think that if I'm happy, I've done something wrong?" Meredith protested.

"Because usually, you've done something either legally wrong or morally wrong. This look you have makes me think… morally wrong."

"I didn't know he was married then," Meredith whined. "And anyway, she's back with Mark, and he's left her for good this time." She flipped open a patients chart that a nurse had just handed her.

"Did he say he'd signed the divorce papers?" Christina asked, taking a sip of her coffee and reviewing her own chart.

"Well not exactly…"

"Then it is definitely morally wrong… and quite possibly legally wrong too, although I'm not too sure how that would work," Christina said thoughtfully.

"Drop it," Meredith muttered under her breath as the chief rounded the corner.

"Morning, sir," Christina nodded to him as he passed.

"Get to work, Dr. Yang," he said crankily.

"What's with him?" Meredith asked.

"Possibly not too happy about walking in on Burke and I in the on call room last night?"

"Ha! Ha!" Meredith teased, "NOW look who's got the dirt."

"Dirt?" Alex asked as he came up to the nurses' station, giving Olivia a cocky smile.

"The chief caught Christina and Burke in the on call room last night."

"Meredith!" Christina hissed. Alex just laughed.

"As if I care who you're screwing."

"Alex!" the girls both turned on him.

All day long, Meredith could not stop thinking about Derek. She couldn't believe he was really back. She'd waited so long, and now he was really here. Unfortunately, Christina did have a point. He didn't actually say he'd signed the divorce papers… but of course he would! He wouldn't lead her into this relationship unless he intended to.

'I won't think about that now,' she told herself. She grinned inwardly at the thought of the lacy panties she'd stashed in her locker for after work, and happily went along with her day. She would be foolish to pretend she wasn't a little bit distracted though.

"So where are we going?" Meredith asked as she swung into Derek's rental car. She'd showered and blow-dried her hair so that it fell in gentle waves down her back.

"You look good," Derek said.

Meredith reveled in the fact that he'd noticed her effort. "Stop avoiding the subject," she said, buckling up, "where are we going?"

"A place that I am sure you'll love." Derek said vaguely. He was starting to frustrate her, and he could tell. It amused him.

"I give up," she sighed, and changed the subject to work. For an hour, they talked, the conversation easily flowing from one topic to the next. As it grew dark, Meredith began to realize how tired she was, and shut her eyes as they talked. Finally sleep overcame her.

"Meredith?" Derek asked when she didn't reply. He glanced quickly over at her, and realized she was sleeping. He chuckled to himself. It really must have been a long day for her.

Another hour later, Derek slowed the car and turned onto a dirt road. Meredith stirred. "Shh," he whispered, "you can sleep." She sighed and snuggled closer to the seatbelt. Twenty minutes later, he stopped the car. He watched her sleep for a moment, not wanting to wake her up. "Wake up Mer," he said, touching her arm gently.

"Sorry Dr. Bai-!" she started, "Oh," she said sheepishly.

"Hey you," Derek kissed her gently, "we're here."

Meredith stepped out of the car to see a small cabin against a backdrop of a lake that sparkled in the moonlight. She looked up, and saw what she first thought to be clouds, but turned out to be more stars than she'd ever imagined. The sky was positively sparkling with the extraterrestrial beauties. "Derek, this is amazing!" she gasped.

He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her in tight, "I'd hoped you'd think so." He'd taken the day to plan this. His friend owed him a favor, and he'd taken the opportunity to borrow his cabin for a couple of days. This was the perfect getaway.

"I love it," she reached up to kiss him.

"That's good," he murmured into her lips. Interlocked, they made their way into the cabin. He unlocked the door with one hand, and they stumbled into the room.

"Derek," Meredith said hesitantly as he cupped her head in his hands, "Did you sign the divorce papers? Will Addison come back?"

"Well, she might come back," Meredith frowned, pulling away, "but the divorce papers were officially signed last week." Meredith let out a small cheer and squeezed him tightly around the middle.

Derek flicked on the lights to reveal a bottle of champagne sitting on a small table with roses and a tiny box in the middle. "Meredith," he said, crossing the room, "will you accept my promise to love you forever?" he asked, opening the box to reveal a small sapphire and diamond ring.

"Derek, it's beautiful," she gasped.

"I want you to understand that this isn't a proposal: I couldn't expect you to say yes so soon after I hurt you. This is a promise ring. I'm promising you that I will never ever hurt you again."

Meredith nodded, slightly put off. He didn't want to marry her? Not to ruin the moment, she kissed him anyway. "I promise never to hurt you either," she said, as he slipped the ring onto her finger.

---

Live in the moment. Truly live; take risks and put your heart on the line. Be adventurous and explore the world, the people in it, and yourself. A time will come one day when you are old and you'll look back on your life. If you look back and can't see one single time that you took a risk, you haven't really lived. Trust your instincts, take chances. You only live once, and you might as well give your life everything you've got.

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Well, I probably won't be able to update until the weekend because of school and work, etc. Hope you enjoy the chapter.

Maybelline


	5. Don't Push It Aside

Well, here's another chapter :) Sorry for the wait, I've been a bit busy. Hope you enjoy.

**Disclaimer:** See previous.

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Derek lay in bed next to Meredith, second thoughts running through his head. He loved her. He knew he loved her. But did he want to jump from one commitment to another? Meredith sighed and snuggled close into his arms. He didn't know how to deal with this bizarre feeling that he'd never experienced before. He loved Meredith with a fierce desire that he never felt with Addison. Yet he still felt that he'd made a mistake. 

Unfortunately, or possibly fortunately, he'd promised not to hurt her. So he made up his mind not to. He would love her and take care of her. He kissed her forehead and she smiled in her sleep. "I love you, Meredith Grey," he whispered, more to assure himself than anything else.

"I love you too," she whispered, her eyes still shut. Derek prayed that he didn't think too loudly. There was a long, almost uncomfortable silence.

"Mer, come look at the stars," he said, to divert her attention from the apparent awkwardness. They gathered up blankets and pillows and went outside. They made a little nest on a patch of moss and snuggled up to each other to keep warm. "This is nice," he said.

"Yeah," Meredith murmured. "Oh!" she gasped a moment later.

"What?"

"It was a shooting star!"

"Did you make a wish?"

Meredith paused, thinking of the wish she would make, just so she could tell him of course she did. "I wish this will last forever," she spoke softly into Derek's chest.

"Pardon?"

"Oh, nothing," Meredith shook her head, "I was just saying that yes, I did make a wish."

"And… do I get to know what it is?" he asked jokingly.

"If you can guess it." She added in a singsong voice, "Bet you can't guess it!"

Derek thought he knew what it was. But he didn't want to say it. He didn't want to have that hanging in the air. Not now, not while he was still wondering if he really wanted Meredith Grey.

Of course he wanted Meredith! What on earth was he thinking? He loved her; there was no question about that. But…

He was so confused.

Meredith however, was in a blissful state of absolute happiness. She was floating on cloud nine, completely oblivious to the inner struggle Derek was experiencing. "Another shooting star!" she murmured into his ear.

"Meredith,"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

---

Two days later, they were packing their belongings into the trunk of the car. The sun was just peaking up from behind the mountains, casting a faint glow on the world. The few clouds that had begun to move in were barely tinged a pink-y orange. A fish jumped in the lake, and somewhere in the distance a woodpecker was drilling for it's breakfast. Derek had made up his mind, what he was going to do. Two days in the open air with the girl of his dreams… well, it's a perfect atmosphere for decision making. "Ready?"

Meredith buckled up, "Do we have to leave? Can't we just sort of…stay here forever?" She knew that they had to go back. But the best weekend of her life was frankly quite difficult to give up.

Derek leaned over to kiss her. "Unfortunately, yes." He put the rental car in reverse and they drove away from the lake. Back to the city, back to Seattle Grace: back to reality. It was a quiet car ride home. They both were enjoying the memory of the weekend. It had been perfect in every way. One day they would get married. They would spend the rest of their lives together. It would be perfect.

The sun continued to rise. Meredith rested against the seat, watching the absolutely gorgeous sunrise they were driving into. "What time do you have to be at the hospital?" Derek interrupted her thoughts.

"Um, 8:30."

"Good, we've got lots of time."

---

"Where have you been?!" George asked Meredith as she pulled her scrubs on over her most comfortable sweater. Christina and Izzie were laughing quietly in the corner. George rounded on them. "You knew the whole time?" he asked them sounding almost hysterical, "here I was, worrying about you and these two knew the whole time?!" he said to Meredith.

Poor George. He still loved her. It was plain to everyone… except maybe George and Meredith. "How did you know," Meredith asked them suspiciously.

"Derek left a note at home for us," Izzie said. "I just, never bothered showing George."

George just left them to their laughter, leaving with Alex. "I hate girls," George fumed to Alex.

"No you don't," Alex said. "Girls are nice. And they're soft. And they provide endless pleasures –"

"Is that ALL you think about?"

"Well, the point is that you don't hate girls. You just hate THOSE girls. Really, just Christina and Izzie."

George sighed. He knew Alex was right on some level. Or at least, partially right. "I don't hate girls."

"That's how you should be thinking!" Alex clapped him on the back as they parted ways.

"I'm sorry George!" Meredith said as she hurried past him, answering the first page of the morning.

"S'ok!" George called hopefully after her.

As Meredith dodged a gurney, she felt her stomach turn, and realized she hadn't eaten breakfast this morning. She shook her head to clear it and nearly collided with Miranda Bailey.

"Well it's about time," Miranda said typically.

"Sorry, I just got here," Meredith said as she grabbed her stomach.

"You alright, Dr. Grey?" Dr. Bailey asked as she thrust a patient's chart at her.

"Yup, fine," Meredith lied through her teeth.

"Good. I've got a patient for you. Fourteen year old Bethany Miller. She's sliced up her arms. Stubborn and reclusive as anything, managed to hit a major artery. She's stable, but I want you to give her a once over before we admit her to Psych. Don't play counsellor, don't offer advice." Bailey warned, somehow managing Meredith feel like she was a foot shorter than the cut-throat resident.

Meredith nodded and pushed open the door to the private room.

She stopped short when she saw the girl in the bed. She wasn't sure what she was expecting, but it most certainly wasn't the image that she was presented with in the dim light of a bedside lamp. The girl in the bed was small and thin, with gorgeous dark blonde hair that fell to her waist. She reminded Meredith of someone, but she couldn't quite place it. Stereotypical of your 'popular girl'; the girl everyone loved to hate in high school. Apart from the IV in her right arm and the bandages over the other… she looked like she'd have everything going for her.

"Sorry to wake you," Meredith said quietly, turning on the light. Bethany opened her eyes; a startling blue with a gold ring around the centre.

"It's ok," she said softly, the pain she was in coming out in those two words. Meredith's heart went out for the girl, "I wasn't sleeping anyway," she said honestly.

"I'm Meredith Grey," she introduced herself.

"Beth."

"Nice to meet you," Meredith said, taking out her stethoscope, "if you wouldn't mind sitting up – thanks."

"You don't have to go through all of the formalities you know," Bethany said quietly as Meredith pressed the cold stethoscope against her skin. "I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that you're going to pretend that this girl is worth your time. You're going to try and make her feel like there's something good in this world. You feel sorry for her, and maybe you'll be the one to make a difference in her pathetic existence," she looked at the shock on Meredith's face, "I know the drill."

"So other people… know?" Meredith asked absently.

"Other people know about this, yeah. I've been seeing a counsellor since I was thirteen. Well, seven counsellors actually. They don't quite know how to respond to me. Here's all the geniuses have come up with. Pretty girl, tonnes of friends, hot boyfriend, rich parents. What more does she want?"

Meredith wrapped the arm band around Bethany's skinny arm, cutting her rant short. "That's tight!" she frowned.

"It's supposed to be," Meredith replied shortly. She was sticking to Bailey's orders today. "Well, you seem to be fine. I'll have someone come in shortly to check on you."

"Don't bother," Bethany said, rolling her eyes.

"I thought you said she was 'stubborn and reclusive'," Meredith said to Bailey when she saw her at the nurse's station.

"She is. That's what her chart says, that's what everyone who's dealt with her has agreed upon." Bailey said, scanning a chart and not looking up.

"Well, she talked my ear off."

"You didn't –" Miranda started to say angrily.

"No, I didn't give her any advice, I didn't say anymore than what was necessary," Meredith said, grabbing another chart.

"Good." Miranda said, heading back to Bethany's room. She stopped and turned around. "Maybe you've made a break through with her. Perhaps she'll talk now."

"Doubtful," Meredith shook her head.

"Call Psych; tell them we've got one for them."

"Will do."

---

Meredith flirtatiously brushed Derek's arm with her hand later on that day in a deserted hallway. Bethany had not left her mind; Derek's presence had simply pushed it out of her major train of thought. He touched her fingers, and smiled when he felt the ring. She saw him thinking what she was thinking, and looked up at him through her eyelashes, something playing on her lips. Derek leaned down to sweep her lips with his own and Meredith shut her eyes and prepared for the bliss of –

Her pager. Of course. That's bliss. She looked at it. Weren't those numbers for "The Psych ward?" she queried aloud.

"The Psych ward? Why would they page you?" Derek asked looking puzzled. Suddenly Meredith understood. Her expression changed, "Beth," she gasped, dropping Derek's hand and sprinting down the hall.

"Is she –" Meredith said as she gasped for breath outside of Bethany's room.

"She was asking for you," said the nurse in the room.

Meredith looked into the girl's eyes. This wasn't a joke. The nurse left as Meredith stepped into the room, "Why me?" was the first thing she asked. In retrospect, rather tactlessly, but nonetheless she asked it.

Beth shrugged. "Why not?"

"You've got specialists ready to wait on you hand and foot. I'm a surgical intern: keyword being surgical. I have no idea how to help you."

"That's good."

Silence.

"Where are your parents?" Meredith suddenly asked as the thought popped into her head.

"Working, probably." Bethany rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah. They should be here. Blah de blah."

"Well one would think."

"They don't care."

"That's what this is about? Attention?"

"No. If I wanted attention I would have been loud about it. Duh."

"Oh. Then…" Meredith was completely at a loss.

"No. This is about control. Funny, how I know exactly why I'm doing it, yet can't seem to stop… probably because I don't want to stop. I tried the eating disorder thing you know," she smirked. "Didn't work very well; I like food too much. It's about control. We don't really have control, do we?" she asked.

Meredith looked down at her hand. The ring sparkled up at her. What she would have given to have been able to control her emotions. If she had control over them, she wouldn't have been put through so much pain. "No, we don't," she finally breathed.

"I'm sure you can stop, with the right kind of help."

Bethany shook her head. "I don't need help. I'm fine. I just need to be left alone I think. If people stopped trying to help, I wouldn't feel so compelled to have something wrong with me."

Meredith thought about this. "You'd rather your parents ignored you?" she finally suggested.

Bethany stared at her. "You get this don't you."

Meredith's pager went off for the third time that day, "Look, I'm really sorry Bethany," Meredith said standing up quickly. Perhaps a little too quickly… her head spun and her stomach lurched. She shook it off again, "I have to go… I'm needed elsewhere."

"Whatever," the girl sighed.

Meredith hurried off down the hall towards the latest emergency.

---

"Ready to go?" Derek asked at the end of the day.

"Actually… do you just want to give me a minute?"

"Yeah, sure."

Meredith headed off to the Psych wing. Curious, Derek followed her a safe distance behind. When Meredith arrived there, Bethany's room was empty. "Excuse me," she asked the nurse, her heart beating faster. "What happened to the girl in this room?"

"Slit her wrist again. Bled too much… doctors couldn't restart her heart."

"Oh," Meredith said faintly. She proceeded to lean over and empty the contents of her stomach into the nearest garbage can.

The nurse wrinkled her nose. "I think you need to go home and take some Gravol."

Meredith leaned against the wall and began to cry. She felt an arm around her shoulder. "Shh," Derek whispered in her ear.

"It's my fault," Meredith whispered. "I didn't make time."

---

Time always comes back to haunt you. Mistakes in your past, whether made by you or someone else, have a way of sneaking up behind us when we least expect it. They take control, and we can't escape. It's important to deal with the past before it devours the present. Don't hide things, don't keep secrets, and don't push emotions to the back of your mind to be dealt with at a later date. You will just keep procrastinating. During this procrastination, time will come and bite you hard in the, erm, butt.

* * *

Ok, you may not understand why I brought Bethany into the story, but stick with me, it'll make sense soon! 

Maybelline


	6. Let the Truth Out

Thank you all for your reviews. I thoroughly enjoy reading them and the comments on my writing and ideas.

Here's chapter six. It's short like the first few, mainly because I didn't want to try and put the next part in with this because it doesn't have a direct relevance to the blurb at the bottom. More will come soon, as I'm not nearly as busy this week. I hope this helps you to understand Bethany's role. Enjoy :)

**Disclaimer:** See previous chapters.

* * *

"Shh… it's ok. It's not your fault, Meredith. You couldn't have known," Derek cradled the sobbing woman in his arms, whispering in her ear.

"It was!" Meredith cried, trying to pull away. He held her tight, "If I hadn't left to scrub into that stupid appendectomy, I would have been – she never would have – it's my fault!" she gasped.

Derek looked at her face, splotchy from crying. Her usually bright eyes were clouded. She was hurting. There was more to this than just Bethany. He suspected that it had very little to do with Bethany at all. "What happened, Mer?" he asked softly.

"She cut – she wanted – I left –" she gasped unintelligibly between dry sobs.

"Not with Bethany. Meredith, what happened?"

_---_

_A thirteen year old Meredith wiped away a tear as she kicked some brilliantly red leaves out of her path. She tucked her thumbs back into her backpack and let her long hair fall forward and cover her face as she stared at the ground. Over and over, she replayed the conversation she'd just had with Liz, her mum's scrub nurse. _

_Her mother had promised to pick her up from school that day. Ellis was going to help Meredith prepare for her first ever school dance. Blindly trusting, Meredith had looked forward to the day all week. When the last bus had gone home, and the last student had walked away, Meredith was still standing there; her pink polka dotted high tops pressed together at the toes and heels. _

_Sighing, she had walked down the street to catch the bus to the hospital, the only place she could guarantee her mother would be. When she'd gotten there, Liz informed her that she'd jumped at the chance to perform an emergency surgery; a surgery that could have gone to one of the other surgeons on staff. She nodded and told Liz she was going to the washroom and then would catch the bus home. _

_Instead of heading into the public washroom just around the corner, Meredith ducked into the supply room. Furious, she grabbed a couple of instruments and shoved them into her backpack, her heart pounding. She went outside, and caught a bus home. _

_She let herself into the big house, slammed the door angrily and grabbed the stolen surgical tools out of her backpack before dropping it on the floor. Taking the steps two at a time, she shut herself in the upstairs bathroom._

_Her hand shook as she lifted the scalpel to her wrist. Just as she'd seen her mother do so many times, she pressed the sharp edge against the translucent under-skin of her arm and drew it across. Blood beaded on the scalpel and blossomed against the backdrop of pale skin. _

_She drew in her breath sharply as the pain enveloped her. Suddenly, in a thought that was wise beyond her years, she realized that she did not have control over her mother's inability to prioritize. Frantically, she turned and scrambled for a piece of gauze in the bottom drawer of the bathroom cabinet. She pressed it against the slowly bleeding cut in her arm. With the other arm, she searched for polysporin and a plastic bandage. _

_She dressed the self inflicted wound, and took a drink from the tap. Wiping her mouth, she looked in the mirror to see a very pale woman. This stranger was not at all the girl who'd so carefully applied lip-gloss that morning. She'd grown up. In one harrowing moment, she'd grown up and become an entirely different person. _

_"Meredith!" her mother's voice came up the stairs, "Pick up after yourself, will you? I'm sick and tired of you leaving everything lying around!" Meredith didn't even blink or flinch as her mother got angry over the backpack lying in the entranceway. She didn't care what her mother thought anymore. _

---

"… and I never did it again," Meredith said softly.

"Oh, Mer," Derek pulled her tighter and kissed her forehead. "I had no idea. Babe, you should talk to someone, they can help you let this go."

"I did talk to someone," she said hoarsely, "I talked to you."

Touched, Derek fell even deeper in love with this beautiful, strong woman. She'd let him into her thoughts and gave him a glimpse of her soul, in a way he knew she'd never done with anyone. "I'm honoured," he whispered honestly, not quite trusting his voice.

"I trust you."

That simple sentence held more weight than anything she'd ever said to him. Inadvertently, Meredith had given herself to this man; this man who had had a more profound influence on her than any other person in the world. He'd taught her to enjoy the moment, he'd made her hurt, and he'd shown her how to love with a ferocity that she'd never known before.

"I hope that everything I do lives up to your trust in me."

"You will."

---

Letting the truth out there is painful. But it can never amount to the pain you'd feel if you kept it inside. It will compound inside you and one day explode in a way that causes you more suffering than you can imagine. But then, after your explosion, you will be ok. The truth will be out there and everything will be just fine.

* * *

Maybelline


	7. Look for the Silver Lining

Alrighty! Chapter seven up! I promise, after this the chapters won't be so "dark and twisty", but they need to be this way for the story to progress. This one is for all my reviewers! Enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** See previous chapters

* * *

"Meredith, please, get out of the bathroom," Izzie begged a week later, resting her forehead on the door. "She's not budging," she added to George in an undertone. "You try."

"Meredith, we're going to be late. Just unlock the door, and we can all have a turn. You don't have to get out, just unlock the door… please?"

Inside the bathroom Meredith sat on the floor in front of the toilet, having just thrown up again. She couldn't deal with this. Not now. Not when she was finally feeling truly happy. Of course the stick was pink. Somewhere, someone had something against her that she couldn't just live a normal, happy life. Drying her eyes and heaving herself off the cold tiles, she sighed. "Yeah, yeah guys. I'm getting up."

"She responds to me better than you!" George whispered to Izzie, grinning at his apparent triumph.

As the door opened, Izzie shoved George aside and dove into the bathroom past Meredith, "Why thank you George! Now I can have a shower!" Meredith slipped past her friends and into her room without being noticed. She breathed a sigh of relief as she shut the door behind her.

Now, the problem was going to be telling Derek. He'd only been back for a week and a half, and now she was going to drop this news on him. "Derek, I have something to tell you," she tried out. No, that didn't sound right. She thought about cornering him and blurting out, "Derek, I'm pregnant," but that didn't sound right either. She tried several more phrases out loud as she got dressed. Suddenly, the door slammed open.

"You're PREGNANT?!" George exclaimed, wide eyed and shocked. He then proceeded to stare at the half naked Meredith, who was wearing little more than jeans and a pink lacy bra.

"George! What are you doing?" Meredith asked, quickly pulling a shirt on (inside out) over her head, "You do know how to knock right?"

"You're… not pregnant are you?" He already knew the answer, but just didn't want it to be true.

After a long moment, Meredith replied, "Yes. Yes, George I'm pregnant. But don't tell Izzie!" she added in a panic, "Don't tell anyone."

George looked like he was going to cry. That knowledge broke his heart. He had no chance now. "Are… are you going to keep it?" he asked her, praying that he'd get the answer he was hoping for.

Meredith nodded slowly. "Yes. Yeah, I think I will."

---

Meredith hurried into work with Izzie and a very quiet George. "I'm going to get some wonderful vending machine coffee," Izzie said, "Want me to get you guys some?"

"Um, decaf?" Meredith asked. George sort of mumbled yes.

"You NEVER drink decaf!" Izzie exclaimed.

"Yeah I know," Meredith said hurriedly, "I'm just feeling kind of on edge this morning. Coffee might make it worse."

Izzie gave her a curious look, shook her head and went off to get coffee.

As they rounded the corner, they saw Derek, who'd been called in early for an emergency surgery on a crash victim. "Morning," he said happily. The surgery had gone well.

Meredith gave him a half smile, "Hey."

Something was up. Derek could feel it. "You ok?" he asked her in an undertone, brushing her arm.

She looked up into his gorgeous eyes that were radiating concern. She had to tell him. But in the middle of a hallway was not a good time. "Derek, I'm pregnant," she heard herself blurt out. Crap.

"What?" he croaked, taking a step back and peering into her face. She looked young and terrified. She looked down at her feet, fighting back tears. Thank goodness the hallway was relatively empty. Derek stepped forward again and immediately enveloped Meredith in a hug. "It'll be ok," he whispered, stroking her hair, "I'm here."

Meredith's body shook as she began to sob. She'd hoped for this, but hadn't expected it. Derek held her small frame in his arms as her body shuddered with the force of her emotional pain. "Thank you," she tightened her grip on the sleeve of his scrubs. "Thank you for not running away."

Derek held her arms length away from him and scrutinized her face. "Did you really think that I would leave you Meredith?" he said softly, "Look at the ring on your finger. I gave that to you with the promise that I would love you forever and never hurt you again. Now, do you really think this would scare me away? It scares me," he admits, "but I'm right here with you. Forever and ever, Meredith. Now, did you really think that I would leave you?"

She slowly shook her head, "I – I was just scared. I knew in my heart you wouldn't leave," she realized as she spoke.

"How long have you known?" he asked as he pulled her back into his arms.

"Well I've kind of suspected for a couple days. For sure this morning though."

A nurse gave them a peculiar look as he walked past. Derek cleared his throat and looked at his watch, "Meredith, as much as I hate to do this, I really have to go. I'll meet you for lunch though, ok?"

She nodded and wiped her eyes for the second time that day. "Bye."

---

"How am I going to survive this?" Meredith asked Derek at lunch, "I'm barely getting by as it is. In less than six months, I'll have swollen feet, I'll be beyond tired, and there is no way I'm going to be able to keep working these hours. Then my residency will be pushed back, and I'll be behind, and –"

"You're rambling," Derek smiled. His McDreamy smile helped her calm down. She took a breath. "We'll get through this," he assured her.

"Do I have to tell Bailey?" she whined. Derek nodded. "I'm going to have to tell the chief too aren't I."

"Well, everyone in the hospital is going to find out eventually…" Derek said.

Meredith frowned at him. But, he did have a point. She couldn't hide it forever. She took a moment to marvel how everything could be seen in a much more positive light in the brilliance of the cafeteria at noon. Busy people were hurrying around. Serious problems like the patient in room D – 42 that needed a heart transplant were being discussed all around them. In retrospect, her pregnancy seemed rather minor.

Then she reminded herself how hugely this could affect her life. "Do you want to move in?" she suddenly asked Derek.

"Isn't that the current living arrangement?" he asked her, his gorgeous smile playing on his lips.

"Well, yes, but it wasn't exactly… official."

"Yes, Meredith. I would love to move in. Under one condition: you marry me."

"What?"

"You heard me. This wasn't exactly how I'd planned this to happen… but whatever. Let's add to the meaning of that ring. Meredith, marry me."

"But… I thought we had agreed to wait," she protested, "You're only proposing because I'm pregnant," she said.

"True," he admitted, "But that doesn't mean that this wouldn't have happened eventually. I don't love you any less. Meredith, make me happy. Make yourself happy. Marry me."

She finally let herself smile, and nodded slowly. "I will," they stood up from their lunch and she stood on tip toes to hug him. Ever so gently, he lifted her chin with his thumb and kissed her in front of the entire cafeteria.

"They're getting married!" a proud Izzie announced from behind them. Meredith shot her a look. Slowly, the cafeteria began to clap. Over Meredith's shoulder, Derek saw Bailey standing disapprovingly in the doorway. He raised his eyebrows at her, receiving a head shake as she turned around and walked away. She would be trouble, but they'd get by that later. Right now, he forgot everything except for the fact that he was engaged to the woman of his dreams.

---

In every cloud, there's a silver lining; rainbows follow the storm. You've heard them. Now it's time to believe him. Never let yourself forget that there is always something better ahead. No matter how bad it seems, something good can come of it. The bad may seem to far outweigh the good, but there is good, and if anything, focus on that. You will make it through.

* * *

R&R please :)  
Maybelline


	8. Savour Each Breath

Well, I'm not exactly sure of the timeline, (when they became interns, etc) but I've set the story so that Derek left about six months after they became interns. This chapter is three months after the last. Sorry for the time jump, but I wanted to get through this bit first, because the excitement is yet to come. Hope you enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **See previous.

* * *

Meredith stood in the shower and ran her hands on her very no longer perfectly flat stomach as she let the water wash over her. She hated getting up at 3:30 to make it to the hospital for pre-rounds. Luckily, it wouldn't be long before there was a brand new set of interns at the hospital to do the pre-rounds; three more months, if her calculations were correct. Wow, to think that in three more months, she'd be a resident. No more following Bailey around. As she soaped up her hair, she wondered if she'd have an intern or two to follow her around. 

She jumped out of her contemplation as the door opened. A sleepy looking Derek stumbled in. "Morning," she said.

"Morning, beautiful," he said, locking the door and stripping down to join her. "The shower woke me up. Why could you not be more considerate in the morning, and let those who don't have to be in until 9 sleep a little bit?" he teased, giving her a peck.

"I just don't think it's fair that I have to get up so early and you can sleep when you were the one who kept me awake last night," she smiled, teasing him right back.

"You weren't exactly protesting," he said as he gently ran the washcloth down her back. Meredith shivered. "Getting a little pudgy are we?" he joked lightly, slowly turning her around and ran his hands along her hip bones and onto the taut raised skin. She closed her tired eyes and rested her head against the crook in his shoulder. He kissed her temple and she relaxed.

BANG!

"Izzie!" Meredith moaned, stepping out of the shower.

"Well, I have to be there for pre-rounds too ok?!" Izzie was so cranky in the morning, "Get OUT. You've been in there 20 minutes! And stop locking the damn door!" she banged on it again. Wow. This was an unusually bad mood.

"Ok, ok," Meredith detached herself from her fiancé and stepped out of the shower, grabbing a towel and throwing one at Derek. He hastily wrapped it around his hips as Meredith unlocked the door and stormed out.

As Meredith drove to work with Izzie pouting in the passenger seat and George dozing in the back, she contemplated asking them to move out. One bathroom really wasn't enough for 4 people at three o'clock in the morning. And, with the baby on the way… she wasn't sure if they'd all make it through without someone committing murder. But she loved her friends, and after nine long months living together as interns it would be hard to let them go.

"Meredith," Izzie said quietly, "I think it's time I moved out…"

Well that was easy.

"Oh, Izzie, you don't have to," Meredith protested, while praying she would stick to her guns.

"No, I really think I need to leave. Having you and Derek come out of the shower together… frankly weirds me out and there just isn't enough bathroom time. And I'm not trying to be rude or anything… but I really need to get out of there. You guys can have your privacy… and George."

Hearing his name, George jerked awake, muttering something about missing his rounds.

"Well, if you really feel you have to," Meredith said as she pulled into a parking space.

"I do. I'll start looking for a place as soon as I can."

"Whatcha doin?" George stuttered, still trying to wake up.

"I'm moving out."

"You're going to leave me alone with them?!" George looked horrified. Meredith stuck her tongue out at him.

"Well you can come too," Izzie shrugged.

Meredith mentally cheered. This was the easiest kicking out of roommates ever. "Morning, Christina," Meredith greeted her friend as they all converged upon the entrance.

Christina grunted in reply to her greeting, but promptly asked Izzie, "So, did you tell her yet?"

"Yes," Meredith and Izzie replied in unison.

"And?" Christina was still only speaking to Izzie.

"She's going to look for a place to live today," Meredith told her.

"Good for you!" Christina said, "I say, when you can't get any sleep for the noise in the next room, it's time to get your own place."

"Since when?" George asked, befuddled.

"Since… now."

"So why are you ignoring me?" Meredith asked Christina.

"I'm not ignoring you. You are my person, why would I ignore you?" she stated, "I'm just tired, running low on caffeine, and wanted to talk to Izzie."

Meredith just shook her head. It was so typically Christina; she wondered why she had even bothered to ask.

They were barely in the door when Bailey came hurrying up. "There's been a huge car accident; a semi collided with a minivan and a small car, and a few more vehicles piled up behind them. I need you all to get ready, and get in the pit right now. The ambulances will be here any minute. Don't forget; deal with life threatening injuries first, and don't waste too much time on the ones you know you can't save," she said the last bit with an undertone of regret in her voice.

"Let's go," Christina said, her eyes sparkling with the rush of a challenge.

By the time they arrived in the ER, the place was already in chaos, "That guy has no arm," Meredith gulped, "I'll take him!" Then she noticed a tiny girl, maybe two years old, strapped to a stretcher being wheeled in. She looked almost peaceful, and her red curly hair was matted with blood. But Alex, who had appeared out of no where, was already at her side, ordering one of the ER interns around.

"This place is nuts!" Izzie said as she ran to the stretcher of a woman with glass embedded in her face. Miraculously, she was conscious. The paramedics were doing their best to keep her from thrashing about, "I need a sedative over here, please," she ordered.

Christina had immediately picked out the most bizarre looking patient in the room. His skull was depressed and it appeared that his nose had shifted a good inch to the left of his face. "Page Dr. Shepherd, I need an OR right away."

"Derek's at home!" Meredith said as she tried to stop her patient from bleeding to death.

"Well page him anyway!" Christina said impatiently, "Do you not see this guy's face?"

"Looks to me like he needs a plastic surgeon," George said, looking up from checking the vital signs of his teenage burn victim.

"I need an OR." Meredith told a nurse, "This guy won't stop bleeding."

"Right away, Dr. Grey."

Meredith and one of the ER interns loaded him onto a gurney and wheeled him up to OR one. When she arrived, Dr. Burke was waiting for her, "Scrub in," he nodded to the scrub room. She smiled to herself. In surgery at only 4:30. This was pretty great. The surgery went by fairly quickly though. Burke left her to clean up as he hurried to scrub into another surgery, George's burn victim. As she came out of the OR, she passed Derek running down the hall.

"Meredith! I need you and Christina in OR 3, ok? She's already in there with the guy. Hurry up." And so, Meredith hurried to get cleaned up and scrub in.

---

Meredith leaned up against Christina on one of the gurneys in their hallway. Izzie rested her forehead on the windowsill while Alex massaged her shoulders. George sprawled on the floor, the tile cold on his face.

"That can't possibly be sanitary," Christina said to George as she brushed a stray hair out of her face.

"I don't care," George's voice was muffled as he spoke to the floor.

"This has been the longest day of my life," Meredith groaned, "I can't believe we made it through."

"Watch what you're saying," Christina moaned as her pager went off, "Thanks a lot, Grey."

Meredith couldn't help but laugh at her friend's misfortune. Karma's a bitch though, and her own pager went off a short while later. "Ahhhh!" she whined, heaving herself off the gurney and stepping over George. She hurried down the hall and up the stairs to find Derek waiting with all of her things at the nurse's station.

"I had no idea where you were," he smiled, "so I got your combination from Christina when she passed and grabbed your stuff for you."

"Thank you," she sighed gratefully as she slipped her arms into the jacket Derek held out for her.

"Let's go home. You need sleep."

Derek clasped her hand and swung her bag over his shoulder. Meredith smiled sleepily, "Yeah… sleep is good…"

---

There are moments in time that you never want to end. Change comes with every passing second; a new tantalizing slice of life to enjoy. You never know when they'll come back again, or even if they'll come back again. These memories will get you through the moments of horror, chaos, and disarray. So pause, breathe, and savour it.

* * *

R&R please, suggestions are much appreciated.

Maybelline


	9. Right There All Along

The next chapter will be very close to Meredith's due date. Again, I apologize for the time jumps, but this is how I want to write the story. The best is yet to come, I hope.

And without too much more of my rambling, here's chapter nine! I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. :)

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Grey's Anatomy, as much as I wish I did. I do however, own the first season on DVD now, and am completely loving rewatching every wonderful episode.

* * *

Meredith stared into Izzie's empty room. It had taken Izzie two weeks to find a place to live and another two weeks to be able to move in. George was going with her for now, paying half the rent. He really wanted out. Meredith smiled sadly to herself. Her life was so different from six months ago. Six months ago, Derek wasn't around, she was sharing this big house with two of her best friends, and they were all, somewhat unfortunately, single. Now, Meredith was questioning Alex's real intentions with Izzie and… well George was George. He'd find someone soon, hopefully. And she was engaged to Derek, with a baby on the way.

She felt hands slide around her thickening waist and she spun around in surprise. "Oh, it's you," she stood on tiptoe and kissed Derek's nose, "It's not like it could be anyone else. The house is so quiet with them gone."

"It is nice though, you have to admit. We have the house all to ourselves… no one to interrupt us in the shower… no one to fight for bathroom time with. It's all up to us."

This was weird. She knew it, Derek knew it. It was like they were playing house. Six year olds pretending to be grown ups. Ceramic coffee cups and decaffeinated coffee replaced plastic teacups and watered down hot chocolate. Double beds with plush pillows took the place of brightly coloured single beds with safety railings along one side. Bedside drawers no longer contained crayons and Lego, but items of intimacy and pleasure… although it was a little late for that.

"So…"

There was a long awkward silence. Living just with Derek would definitely be weird.

"Do you want to go get some coffee?" Derek suggested. He had to get out of the house. It was too big… too empty… too ominously suggestive of responsibility.

"Let's go."

---

Just as she was about to take a sip of her raspberry tea, Meredith's cell phone rang. She dug in her purse to find the source of the tinny _Fur Elise_. "Hello?... Yes, I can… Derek's here too, yes… what's going on?" her brow furrowed, "Ok, we'll both be there as soon as possible… yup. Bye." Meredith checked her watch. 2:03 pm. She sighed. What a way to end a perfectly good afternoon off: working.

"The hospital needs us. Well, specifically you, but one of the interns didn't show up for work this morning, so they're a little short-staffed."

"What's going on?" Derek asked as he started the blue jeep.

"The little girl from the car accident last month is back. She had a seizure this morning, and her parents brought her in."

"Alex sent her away with… oh what was it… a concussion I think?"

"Yes I think so. But I checked in on her too. Those are the only symptoms she was demonstrating."

"I seem to remember looking at her file, yes…" Derek said deliberately. "We must have missed something." They drove in silence, both lost in thought.

---

"So what are her stats?" Derek asked the intern who was hurriedly scribbling on a chart outside the girl's room.

"She's stable, hasn't seized for two hours. Her vitals are all normal, but we've got her connected to a monitor just in case."

"Good. Thank you Dr. Hammond." Derek knocked on the door and entered the room. A tiny red headed girl was sitting in the bed, a green crayon in her fist and a thick colouring book on her lap. Her parents sat by the bed, looking very concerned. They immediately stood up when Derek shut the door behind himself. Derek noticed the woman had a scar along her left cheek. He realized she was the woman who'd had glass in her face. This family sure had been through a lot, "Good afternoon, Mr. and Mrs. Kelly. I'm Dr. Shepherd, and I'm the attending surgeon on your daughter's case."

"Will Amy have to have surgery?" was the first question out of Mrs. Kelly's mouth.

"I don't know yet. I'd like to run a few tests. This could be an injury from the accident last month, or it could be the first signs of a seizure disorder. This could be entirely fixable with something very simple. Let's not worry until we know exactly what there is to worry about." Derek turned to Amy who was looking up at him with huge green eyes, "Do you want to go ride in a spaceship?" this was his favourite term with small children when he had to take them for tests. Amy giggled.

"Well," Derek said to Kellys after he'd reviewed Amy's MRI, "It appears that she has a tiny haemorrhage, presumably from the accident, pressing against her brain and causing the seizures. It can be fixed with a relatively easy surgery. Would you like me to do the procedure?"

"She's bleeding in her brain?" Mrs. Kelly asked in a strangled voice.

"Honey, the Dr. just said he can fix it." Mr. Kelly nodded towards Derek, "Do whatever it takes, please."

"I will do my very best," he left the room to check the OR board. There was an empty space in OR 3 in… just twenty minutes! Quickly, he wrote Amy on the board, and scheduled Meredith and Bailey to scrub in with him.

_"Do you remember the surgery on Katie Bryce's brain during my first shift?" Meredith asked Derek one night when they were relaxing on the couch.._

_"Yeah, I do," he stroked her hair._

_"I was just remembering how amazing that was, and how amazing every other neurosurgery I've seen was. I think I might go into neuro," she said thoughtfully._

_"Well, you do realize that you'll be spending a lot of time with me," Derek said, mock seriously, "and I don't know if you could handle spending so much time with an arrogant surgeon." _

_"Well," Meredith said, playing along. "It's a sacrifice I'm going to have to make if I want to be an arrogant surgeon too." _

_"If you're sure, I can get you in on more brain surgeries," he told her._

_"Wouldn't that be favouring?" _

_"Not if you go tell Bailey tomorrow that you are very, very interested in neurosurgery. Then, she can't call it favouring; it's simply specializing."_

_"I'd like that."_

He'd learned Bailey complained far less about Meredith when he invited her to scrub in with him. The truth was that he operated far better with Meredith at his side, and that she wanted to specialize in neurosurgery one day, all the better for an excuse.

"Page Meredith Grey, please," Derek told the nurses at the nurses station behind the OR board.

"Yes, Dr. Shepherd."

A moment later, Meredith came hurrying around the corner, "You paged?"

"I did. Would you like to scrub in for me in about… fifteen minutes? It's the little girl with the seizures, Amy Kelly."

Meredith nodded happily, "I was hoping I'd get to scrub in on her surgery. Not that I hoped she'd need surgery, but – what's wrong with her?"

Derek laughed at her rambling, "Nothing we can't fix. She's got a tiny hemorrhage in her brain from the accident. It was too tiny for the MRI to pick up last month, unfortunately. But we've got it now, so let's get to work. I'll see you in the OR in fifteen."

"Thank you."

Twenty minutes later, Meredith was holding the scalpel, poised to make the first slice into this tiny girl's brain. It was a shame, her gorgeous curly red hair all shaved off But it was worth it. Meredith was going to help Derek save her life. This was the first time she'd ever made the first cut, right into someone's brain.

"That's it," Derek said quietly, "Follow that line there… good…" He carefully guided her to finish opening. "Excellent!" he said, taking the scalpel from her. He did the majority of the surgery, letting Meredith hold an instrument here and there. "See that?" he asked.

"Yeah," Meredith said, peering at Amy's brain.

"That there, than tiny blood vessel, is our bleeder. All we have to do is stop that from bleeding, and we're finished." Derek had a thought, "Would you like to do this?"

"Seriously?"

"Seriously. Why would I kid?"

Heart beating faster, Meredith took the instrument and carefully, listening to his gentle words, performed the major point of the surgery. This was amazing. The tiny blood vessel stopped bleeding, and Meredith grinned. She had done that. She had fixed this girl's brain.

"Well done, Dr. Grey," Derek said very seriously while they washed up in the scrub room. He held out his hand, and she shook it, her face sombre. Then she began to laugh.

"I did that," she laughed, "I actually did that. I performed my first brain surgery!"

"You did."

"I did," Meredith was ecstatic.

"Ready to go home?"

"It doesn't feel like I've been here long enough," she joked.

"Careful. I'm sure someone will find something for you to do. I know I have a task for you."

"What's that?"

"Go home with me. Curl up on the couch with me. We'll watch some TV. Eat some popcorn. We deserve it I think."

"I fixed Amy. I fixed Amy's brain."

Derek laughed, "You did. I think we've been over this though."

"Pfft. I'm sure you were this excited during your first brain surgery."

"I'm sure I was," he said vaguely, even though he remembered the day perfectly. Watching Meredith focus her entire being into stopping the blood vessel from bleeding was like watching himself, all those years ago, during his first surgery. He remembered, Addison had taken him out for dinner…

"I have an idea," he said, "Grab your stuff, we're making a quick stop at home, and then we're going out for a night on the town."

"I like the sound of that."

---

"You look gorgeous," Derek said as Meredith walked down the stairs. They'd showered and dressed in good clothes. They were going to have some fun. Meredith was wearing a low cut, black dress accented with a few tiny rhinestones. The skirt flowed out from her ribcage and revealed her baby bump. Derek was comfortable in a soft, black leather jacket and red shirt; his 'good looking' shirt.

Derek offered her his hand as she stepped from the last step. "Thank you, Mr. Shepherd," he spun her slowly, watching her eyes sparkle. She was so happy, and that made him happy too.

"Shall we?" he opened the door. "Your chariot awaits."

"Let's."

Derek opened Meredith's door for her and she stepped out of the car. They were on a quiet street, in front of a dimly lit restaurant, "Ooh," Meredith kissed him on the cheek.

"For two," Derek told the host. He led them to a table, set for two with a bottle of champagne in a basket.

"Derek, I can't drink alcohol," Meredith whispered, her face falling slightly.

"Oh, I know."

The waiter turned the bottle for them to see. It was sparkling apple juice! Everyone laughed, "Congratulations," the waiter offered them as he poured their mock champagne.

"Thank you," Meredith unconsciously placed a hand on her stomach as she reached for her champagne flute.

"To your first brain surgery," Derek raised his glass to her.

"This cake is delicious!" Derek grinned awhile later, "But before I get caught up in this delectable slice of chocolate-y goodness… I'm going to do something that I should have done properly a long time ago."

For the second time in her life, Meredith watched Derek get on one knee. He opened a box, and inside was a small ring that matched her promise ring, "Will you marry me?" he asked her.

She blushed, "I think we've been over this. Of course I will."

Derek slid the ring on her finger, and the restaurant began to clap. Meredith felt her face turn pink, "You are too much, you know that?" she teased him.

"You love it, you know you do," he kissed her. She tasted chocolate, and promptly reached across the small table with her fork and took a big bite of his cake.

"Hey!" he exclaimed.

---

Just when you think that the adults are never going to show up… you find that they were there all along; right next to your inner child.

* * *

Maybelline 


	10. New Life

And here is chapter ten! There has indeed been yet another time jump. Don't worry. You missed nothing but cravings and sore feet. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** Do I really have to say it? I don't own Grey's...

* * *

"Are you awake?" Meredith whispered to Derek's sleeping form. Just as she'd hoped, she received no response. She got out of bed as quietly and as gracefully as her enormous stomach would allow, and tiptoed downstairs for an early morning snack of caramel ice cream and… Cheerios?

Well, whatever works.

She watched the red numbers on the microwave tick slowly by: 4:53… 4:54… The ice cream was cold down her throat. She felt the baby stir and rested a hand on the top of her belly. She was an incredibly restless person these days. She hadn't been working for the past month and a half, mainly because the hospital wouldn't let her. In theory though, just two more weeks and she'd be back at work.

"You know, Meredith, usually not having to be at work bright and early means people sleep in," Derek asked, pulling up a chair at the table. He was quite the sight in the morning, as always. His usually perfect hair sticking up at all angles.

"I was hungry," she shrugged. She knew the 'eating for two' thing really wasn't true… but she still milked it for all it was worth. The baby stirred again, "She's moving around," Meredith took Derek's hand and placed it slightly to the left of her belly button.

"It's a girl this morning?" Derek teased, "I seem to recall that last week you were so sure it was a boy." His face lit up as he felt the baby move, just like it always did.

Meredith childishly stuck her tongue out at her fiancé and took another bite of ice cream. Derek just shook his head, "I can't see how Cheerios would be good with ice cream," he sighed, "They'd get all hard, wouldn't they?"

"Yes," Meredith replied, "but then they melt in your mouth and are all sweet and caramel-y." Derek tried one. She was right.

"Well, I'd better get going. I have to be at the hospital at 6:30."

"Ok," Meredith stood up too, "I'm going back to bed."

"Goodnight, crazy lady," he kissed her forehead.

"Have a good day," she called over her shoulder.

---

Around 10:00, a sharp pain suddenly shook Meredith awake. After the first brief moment of panic, she took a breath and tried to remember who wasn't working today. She'd leave ambulances for emergencies. George. It was George's day off.

She reached over and picked up the phone. It rang four times before George picked it up. "Hello?"

"Hi George, it's Meredith."

"Oh, hey Meredith," he smiled, "I was just on my way out the door. Can I call you back in a couple of hours?"

"Um… well, I was kind of wondering if you could come pick me up and take me to the hospital."

"Meredith," George shook his head, "They told you not to come in until you had your baby."

"Well, that's kind of why I'm asking you to pick me up," she laughed.

Suddenly flustered, George replied sharply, "Well why didn't you say so? I'll be over right away!"

"No hurry. I think I'm going to have a shower," she said thoughtfully, "And I have to pack my bag."

"Ok. See you in a bit."

It was nice, all of your friends being doctors, and not at all panicky about the baby coming RIGHT NOW and Meredith really appreciated this. Her heart was beating fast enough with the mixed emotions of anticipation and dread. Was she really capable of doing this? Well, she'd find out soon enough.

"Hey," George called when he let himself in the door twenty minutes later.

"Hi George," Meredith's voice floated down from her room. He took the stairs and let himself in her room. She was leaning over a backpack, breathing hard.

"You ok?"

"Fine now," she stood up, forcing herself to smile.

"Ready to go?" he asked.

"Yeah, sure," Meredith closed the zipper.

"Let me take that," George said chivalrously.

"Thanks," for once, Meredith didn't protest. They made their way downstairs and into the car. Halfway to the hospital, Meredith gripped the side of the seat and grimaced. It passed quickly.

"I'm going to drop you off in emerg," George told Meredith as he pulled into the parking lot.

"Aw, George, the ER interns are idiots. Can't we just go straight in?"

"Well, you're a patient right now… not a doctor…"

"George."

"Ok, fine."

Derek was just checking up on a patient when his pager went off. He went to the nearest nurses' station, and they sent him to the waiting room down the hall. When he got there, he saw George sitting with Meredith, rubbing her back. He broke into a run.

"Meredith! What are you doing here? Is it time?"

"No, I just felt like hanging out here," Meredith smiled. "Of course, Derek."

"Well, let's go! I'll tell the chief to get someone else to cover my rounds. Let's go!"

---

"Hello, Meredith," a familiar voice sounded from the door. Meredith looked towards the voice. She was shocked by what she saw. Curly red hair cascaded down the woman's shoulders.

"Addison," Meredith turned to Derek, "Addison?"

"I was going to tell you…"

"Well, it's a nice thing to find out about now! Dammit Derek!" she hit her head on the pillow. He didn't tell her that his ex-wife was back in town. It's not exactly something you forget about.

"Hello, I'm right here," Addison waved at the bickering couple.

Derek hadn't been able to believe that Addison was back. She'd arrived last week when their replacement neonatal surgeon had retired. He hadn't actually spoken to her, but they both knew she would come back eventually. When they'd returned to New York, they'd only taken a leave of absence from Seattle Grace. Derek prayed that she wouldn't come back. It would be very awkward, and he knew it.

And now, here they all were. The love of his life was in labour, and his ex-wife was going to deliver his child. The twisted, twisted world they lived in, "Mer, I'm sorry. I was going to tell you, I was just waiting for the right time."

"This is most definitely not the right – ahh!" a particularly strong contraction cut her off, "I really don't like you right now," Meredith glared at Derek as the pain subsided.

"You have no idea how often I hear that one," Addison rolled her eyes. Meredith and Derek both just stared at her, "What? It's true."

Derek shook his head, "Addison, do whatever you have to do, and then please, do us all a favour and leave."

Without a word, Addison came over and examined Meredith, "A couple more hours at least. I'll be back to check on you later."

"I cannot believe that you didn't tell me," Meredith repeated in a low voice.

"Meredith, it's not something I wanted to even be true. She's back. I was kind of hoping never to have to see her again."

"So you avoided the subject. If you didn't tell me, it wasn't going to go away. All it's succeeded in doing is making me cranky."

"Meredith, I'm sorry. But now we know. Everyone knows that Addison is back. And look at the bright side. She's one of the best. You're in good hands, whether or not it feels like it."

Meredith gave him a look. She knew what he said was true, and she also know that he didn't truly believe what he said. Finally she sighed, "Well whatever. I don't really want to think about Addison while I'm having your child. Our child," unwillingly, she smiled.

Derek reached over and brushed a strand of hair off her face, "Our child."

---

"Alright, Meredith, I need you to push," Addison's voice came soothingly into Meredith's consciousness, "One more, this is the last one."

"Come on Mer, you can do this," Derek held her hand and allowed her to squeeze it, without so much as grimacing as she crushed it. She was remarkably strong for someone so small, he realized.

A contraction gripped Meredith, and as the final wave of pain washed over her she let out a quiet scream. A tiny wail split the sound of the room as the newest member of the world fought for its first breath. Pink and slippery, and frankly quite ugly, Meredith looked upon her baby as the most beautiful thing in the world.

"Would you like to cut the cord, Derek?" Addison asked. His eyes met Addison's for a brief moment, and then he happily obliged, and an intern took the baby away to be cleaned off and wrapped up.

Addison couldn't help but think that he was so incredibly happy. She had never seen him this happy in all their years of marriage, and regretfully wondered why she hadn't been able to give him this happiness. Right, she remembered, it was because she wasn't Meredith Grey.

"Congratulations, Meredith," she forced a smile, trying to be happy for them, "You have a healthy baby girl. Six pounds, five ounces. She's small, but she'll be just fine," she said as she handed the tiny baby to an exhausted Meredith, and stepped backwards out of the room.

"Thank you," Derek said sincerely. Addison smiled as she shut the door.

"Derek," Meredith said hoarsely as the nurses slowly left the room, "look at what we did." The baby had stopped crying almost as soon as she had touched Meredith's chest.

"It was all you, babe," he said as he kissed her forehead, "She's beautiful."

"She has your eyes."

"Do you know what you want to name her?"

"I thought I'd let you."

Derek smiled. He had a favourite name, "Kamila?" he asked, "It means 'perfect'."

Meredith nodded, "How 'bout Rae as a middle name? It means 'grace'. I think it's fitting, seeing as she will probably see a lot of this place in the future. For visiting her parents only," she said, seeing the look on Derek's face. "Her last name should be Shepherd. I'm going to take it soon myself, and it would be strange for her to have my last name when I don't have it anymore."

"Kamila Rae Shepherd." Derek tried out his daughter's name, "I think its 'perfect'," he said happily.

"Would you like to hold her?"

"Of course," he took the tiny pink bundle from her arms. "Welcome to the world, Kamila Rae."

---

You cannot allow the presence of someone not wanted to ruin a perfectly good moment. Take a breath, and allow the bad feelings to leave you. Allowing the other person to ruin your day is allowing them to win. You can't invite the unhappiness in. Set your differences aside, and enjoy the moment, regardless of unwanted presences.

* * *

Maybelline 


	11. Goodnight My Angel

And here is chapter eleven. Thanks again for all of the reviews! They mean a lot :) and to _tayababy_, I hope Addison's return was enough of a scandal for you at the moment :). We'll definitely be seeing more of her in future chapters. Hope you enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Grey's... although I did watch this week's episode twice. Yes, I am an addict!

* * *

Her body felt like lead. Meredith sighed as she sank into the pillow and curled up against Derek. He slid his arm around her waist, "She sleeping?" he mumbled.

"Mmhmm…" Meredith closed her eyes.

"'Bout time. I thought I'd never get any sleep."

"So stop talking. Go to sleep." Derek kissed the back of her neck.

"Night."

Baby Kamila had been home a week. Meredith had not slept more than two consecutive hours in that week. This was hell. She had no idea how she was going to be able to go back to work in two weeks if she didn't get some more sleep. Just as she closed her eyes and succumbed to sleep, a wail split the night silence.

Meredith stood over the bassinet, watching Kamila cry. She had a brief moment of insight, as to why mothers kill their babies. Suddenly struck by guilt, she picked up her daughter and held her to her chest, walking back and forth across the room.

"Meredith, go get some sleep," Derek said, holding his arms out for Kamila. Meredith handed her to him with a grateful sigh, and shuffled back to their bedroom. Before she shut the door, however, she heard Derek softly singing (and very badly at that!) an old Billy Joel song.

"_Goodnight, my angel  
Time to close your eyes  
And save these questions for another day  
I think I know what you've been asking me  
I think you know what I've been trying to say  
I promised I would never leave you  
And you should always know  
Wherever you may go  
No matter where you are  
I never will be far away _

Goodnight, my angel  
Now it's time to dream  
And dream how wonderful your life will be  
Someday your child may cry  
And if you sing this lullabye  
Then in your heart  
There will always be a part of me."

Meredith smiled to herself as she shut the door. He was a great father.

---

"I can't leave her," Meredith said to Derek, "She's so tiny, and perfect, and…"

"Well, you most certainly can't take her with you to work," Derek put his arm around his Meredith, "She's in good hands. This is supposed to be the best daycare centre in Seattle."

"I know… it's just… I don't want to go back to work."

"What!" Derek feigned shock, "You don't want to work?! Are you ill, Meredith?"

"Come off it," Meredith waved him off laughing.

"Let's go. You'll get to see her in just over twelve hours. I'm going to pick her up in eight. She'll be fine!" he said in response to the oh so sad look on Meredith's face.

---

"Welcome back, Dr. Grey," Bailey said, a crooked smile on her face, "I have a treat for you today. Seeing as you are now officially a surgical resident here, I think you need an intern. Just one, mind; she's a leftover. Four each have been assigned to the other residents, and you are my only first year resident to get one. I believe you can handle her."

"I'm honoured," Meredith rolled her eyes.

"I see you understand what a pain you were this past year," Miranda said typically, "This, is Dr. Melia Williams. She will be your intern for the year. Melia, this is Dr. Meredith Grey. Enjoy each other," she waved as she walked off. As she was starting her fellowship within the month, Bailey was enjoying having no interns this year. And now, Meredith Grey had to suffer with one of her own.

"I heard your mum is Ellis Grey; THE Ellis Grey. Is that true? Because she's like, my hero. I can't wait until I get to do my first surgery. This is so cool. I'm a doctor now. Did you hear Dr. Bailey say my name? Dr. Melia Williams. It sounds so cool –"

"Here's your pager," Meredith cut off the rambling intern. "This is your trauma protocol book. Answer every page you receive immediately. Don't dawdle. I made that mistake on my first shift and nearly lost a patient because of it." Meredith was shocked at how much she sounded like Miranda Bailey had sounded just over a year ago on Meredith's very first shift.

"Am I going to get to help you with a surgery? I'm really hoping. I heard that on the first shift one of the interns always get to do a surgery. Maybe because I'm the only intern with you, I'll be the one. Maybe –"

"Please, Dr. Williams. I had a baby three weeks ago. I'm sleep deprived, I've got a headache, and I have never had an intern before, as you heard Dr. Bailey say. So please, please don't talk so much," she pleaded.

Melia nodded curtly, the sparkle still in her eyes, "Sorry, Dr. Grey."

"It's alright. Now, come with me, and you can follow me on my rounds. I've got a surgery later today that you can watch in the gallery. I'm off work at eight and I'll be back tomorrow morning at eight. You however, are working until eight in the morning, not tomorrow but the next day. When I'm off, you'll be with Dr. George O'Malley."

"Oh ok."

"And yes, Melia; I am Ellis Grey's daughter," Meredith received a grin from the bubbly intern.

After an hour of rounds, Meredith sent Melia to the labs with some samples, and went to meet Derek in the cafeteria for a quick cup of coffee. Caffeine still wasn't back in her diet, even though she desperately wished for it.

"How's it going, Mer?" Derek asked her, handing her some coffee.

"I miss her," she sighed. Derek wouldn't admit it, but he missed the tiny pink squalling bundle that was his daughter too, and missed her every day since she'd come home from the hospital.

"Only ten more hours," he reassured her, "I hear you've been assigned an intern," he teased, a quirky smile on his handsome face.

"She's a right bundle of excitement," Meredith rolled her eyes, "non stop chatter, this bizarre energy that I can't even believe exists on this planet."

Derek laughed, "Maybe you can feed off of this 'bizarre energy'."

"Maybe I can. Speak of the devil. There she is now," Meredith nodded towards the brunette standing at the cafeteria door.

"Go. Have fun. I'll see you in surgery later today. Brain tumour on a sixteen year old boy's optic nerve."

"Oh right! I'll see you there, bye."

"Who's the guy you were talking to?" Melia asked, chocolate eyes huge, "He's gorgeous."

"His name's Derek Shepherd. He's the neurosurgeon here. He's also my fiancé."

"You're dating an attending?" Melia asked, slightly shocked. She knew very well that interns dating attendings was against the rules, and to hear that her resident had broken the rules… well it was interesting.

"Yes I am. And don't you get any ideas."

"I won't," Melia confirmed seriously. They rounded the corner and Melia walked straight into Addison Montgomery.

"Sorry, Dr… Montgomery!" she exclaimed, reading the name off of her coat.

"It's alright. Is this your intern, Dr. Grey?" Addison asked coolly.

"Yes."

"Better make sure she doesn't go walking into people. She could cause an accident." Melia blushed furiously.

"Ignore her. She has something against me. It's got nothing to do with you," Meredith whispered to her as they continued walking.

"What is it?"

"Oh, it's not important," Meredith lied.

---

"Hey, baby!" Meredith picked up Kamila and she cooed a happy baby noise, "Mummy missed you. Yes, I missed you lots today," Meredith sat down in the rocking chair in Izzie's old room. Derek had helped her turn it into a nursery shortly after George and Izzie moved out. It was probably just an illusion, but Meredith thought she already looked bigger.

"Look at what I'm missing!" Meredith said to Derek who was leaning against the door frame. She was cradling Kamila in the crook of her arm. Derek leaned down and kissed first Kamila's forehead, and then Meredith's.

"You're not missing anything. You'll be here every night and ever morning. A couple of hours during the day where you're not here won't hurt her. It'll be ok, Mer."

"I know." Kamila had fallen asleep. Meredith reluctantly placed the sleeping infant back into the bassinet. Derek pulled her around, his arms around her waist. She laid her head against his firm chest. He ran a hand through her hair and she sighed. "I'm so tired."

"Then let's go get some sleep," he winked at her, taking her hand and smiling his famous McDreamy smile.

---

Time passes and life goes on, but never without you. Enjoy the moments you can, but don't waste time wishing that the one's you've missed could come back and collect you and let you experience them. Don't let life pass you by while you turn to watch someone else's. Dive right in to your own experiences. See the colours, hear the soundtrack, feel the sensations, smell the excitement… and taste your life.

* * *

Maybelline 


	12. Perfection

Here's a little moment that I thought would be cute to write. Also, I was feeling like I wasn't giving them enough happiness, what with Addison back. So, until tomorrow night, a tidbit for you all to read.

**Disclaimer**: yada yada.. don't own anything...

* * *

Derek lay in bed, wrapping Meredith's hair around his finger. They had taken advantage of Kamila's first sleep through the night, and were thoroughly exhausted.

"Derek," Meredith whispered, cutting into his thoughts, "We have a baby."

"Yeah, we do," he smiled, "She's beautiful. She looks like you."

"But she's got your eyes. Her hair looks like it will be curly like yours too."

"I love her. I love you," Derek murmured.

"I love you more," Meredith teased.

"I don't think that's possible," Derek said, honestly. He had never been so happy; never been so much in love. Every day, it only got better when he didn't think it was possible. The crying and the sleep deprivation; it was all worth it when he saw his baby smile. And the richness that the mother of that child brought to his life… it was just incredible.

"Meredith?" he was tracing circles on her stomach.

"Yeah?"

"This is perfect."

* * *

Maybelline 


	13. Smile, Laugh, Enjoy

Here's the next chapter :) I'm pleased to hear that those who are replying are enjoying it so far. It really makes me want to write more... more, more! to keep you guys happy. Thank you all so much for your reviews... and a special thank you (and you're most welcome!) to _snus. _

**Disclaimer: **Please don't make me write it again... :P

* * *

"She sees you," Meredith said to Derek as she held Kamila in the crook of one arm while brushing her teeth, "She's watching you in the mirror."

Derek looked over as he ran a bit of moose through his hair and met his daughter's eyes in the mirror. Kamila squealed and smiled. Derek took her from Meredith and blew a raspberry into her stomach. She giggled and kicked her feet in her pink sleeper.

"Does she need to be changed?" Meredith asked, drawing on a thin line of brown eyeliner.

"Doesn't smell like it," Derek said, "You don't smell. Not right now. You are not a smelly girl!"

Meredith shook her head and laughed to herself. He was such a different person now that he had Kamila to take care of, "I can't believe she's already four months old today," Meredith said, "I feel like we should celebrate or something."

"Well we can. We're both home by eight tonight. We can do something,"

"Like what?" Meredith asked, "It's the middle of October. It's pouring rain outside."

"Oh, I'm sure I'll come up with something. Come on, we've got to get to the hospital. I have surgery in forty five minutes."

Meredith grabbed her purse and Kamila's diaper bag, and the family was out the door.

---

"Melia, you are going to scrub in this morning to assist Dr. Bailey in an upper endoscopy today," Meredith told her intern, "Have fun."

Melia grinned, "I was hoping I'd get to do surgery today!"

"Well, Dr. Bailey will be doing most of it, but you will most likely get to help," Meredith informed her, "This is the patient's chart. Go, prep him for surgery."

Melia hurried off. Meredith checked her watch. 8:15. Derek would be in surgery by now. She decided she was going to sit in the gallery and watch. "What's the surgery?" she asked, sitting down beside George.

"Lesionectomy. The woman has a malignant tumour in the area that controls motor functions."

"That sucks. How's it going?"

George shrugged, "He just started. How's Kamila?" he asked after a moment.

"She's doing great," Meredith brightened, "She's four months old today. She's getting so big!"

"I haven't seen her for a week! Can I come over tomorrow when I get off work?"

"Why not tonight?"

"I have a hot date," he puffed out his chest and laughed.

"Who's the lucky lady?" Meredith asked.

"One of the new residents in Peds," he said, "Michaella."

"Oh! That pretty one we met last time we were up visiting the babies?" Meredith had been surprised that they hadn't been kicked out of that wing again. She now realized it was because the intern, who was now a resident, had a thing for George.

"Yeah," George smiled.

"Well, good for you!" Meredith said. George wished she knew how hard this was for him, discussing dates with her, when he still loved her.

"Yeah."

Down in the OR, there was the sound of the patient flat lining. In the midst of the chaos going on around him to get the patient's heart going again, Derek worked patiently, as if oblivious to his surroundings. The patient regained a pulse, and Meredith let out a sigh of relief.

Derek stitched closed the woman's scalp, "Well done people," he said. Nurses moved in to clean up and take the patient back to her room. Derek and the other doctors turned towards the scrub room to clean up. As the door closed, the patient's heart stopped again. Meredith and George watched them work to bring her back with bated breath.

"We've lost her," Derek finally said regretfully as he checked his watch, "Time of death, eight forty two am." A nurse wrote on the chart. "I've got to go tell her husband," his voice was heavy with sadness. He hated losing patients. It didn't happen very often, and this wasn't a very difficult surgery. He knew it was a reaction to the anaesthetic and the stress of surgery, not his skills though. He'd learned that lesson a long time ago.

The gallery emptied, and Derek caught Meredith's gaze, "I'm sorry," she mouthed. He shrugged and went to inform the family.

---

"How are you, Derek?" Addison asked.

"I'm good," he replied shortly, "I'm going home now to my daughter. I have nothing more to ask for."

"I'd leave, except I've got a patient in labour, and her baby is going to need surgery as soon as he's born."

"What's wrong with him?" Derek asked, not quite able to believe the fact that he was still standing her talking to her when he could be on his way to pick up Kamila.

"One of his lungs is blocked somehow. I've got to figure out what's causing the problem."

"Good luck," he said sincerely.

"Thanks," she responded. After a moment, "Have a good time with your daughter."

He smiled at his ex wife, "I will."

"I'll see you in a couple of hours, Meredith," he said as she came around the corner, Melia following behind her looking unusually subdued.

"Hello, Dr. Grey," Addison greeted Meredith.

"Dr. Montgomery," she nodded, "See ya in a bit, hon," she acknowledged Derek.

"How are you?" Addison asked Meredith.

"Um, good," Meredith said, suspicious. Why on earth was Addison asking how she was? Why did she care?

"Excellent. Would you like to assist me on a surgery in a little while?" Addison asked.

That's why.

"Um, I can't. I've got a couple of exams to do in the clinic before I go home for the night. How about asking Dr. Karev?" Alex was leaning further and further towards a career in neonatal surgery.

"I'll do that, thank you."

"What's the procedure?" Melia suddenly asked.

"I've got an infant with a blocked lung. I have to figure out what's wrong with him as soon as he's born. Would you like to come into the OR later with me?"

Melia looked at Meredith, as if for permission. Meredith couldn't help but feel like Addison was up to something, but couldn't find a real reason not to let Melia go for some experience, "If you finish the lab write ups, you're welcome to. I'm going home after I've dealt with the patients in the clinic."

"Thank you!" Melia brightened.

"Alright then, Dr. Williams, I'll page you when the baby is born," Addison said efficiently, and went on her way.

"Watch yourself with her," Meredith said to Melia in a low voice when Addison was out of earshot.

"Why? She seems quite nice," Melia asked. Meredith sighed. She really didn't want to explain to the intern.

"Just… be careful. She can be a bit of a witch sometimes."

Melia looked puzzled, but didn't say anything. Meredith handed her a stack of papers, "Go! If you want in on that surgery, you'd better get these done!"

---

"Can I take that one home right now?" Derek asked the woman at the counter.

"This one?" she asked, picking up a black one.

"Yes. It'll do quite nicely. Very cute. It's for my daughter," he explained. The woman smiled and took his credit card.

---

"Where's my baby girl?" Meredith asked as she walked in the door. She was greeted not by Kamila's cooing, but a high pitched yelp. Looking around, Meredith nearly tripped over a small, curly haired black puppy. Derek rounded the corner with Kamila, who was giggling and waving her arms. "Hi, Kammi," she smiled at her daughter. Her vision shifted from her baby to Derek's face. Laughter was playing on his lips, "You got a puppy."

"I told you I'd find a way to celebrate," he bit back a grin. The puppy peed on the floor.

"Derek!" Meredith said, exasperated. She took Kamila from Derek, "You get to clean that up."

An hour later, Kamila was sucking on a bottle. The puppy was sleeping on the carpet by Derek's feet. Derek had his arm around Meredith, and they relaxed on the couch.

"I can't believe you got a puppy," she sighed.

"What shall we name her?" he wondered out loud, deliberately ignoring Meredith.

"Stupid," suggested Meredith sarcastically, "What kind of dog is she?"

"She's a labradoodle. How about… Miko?" Derek pondered.

"A labradoodle? I don't really care what you name her," Meredith said, getting up to put Kamila to bed.

"Labradoodle: Labrador, poodle cross. No, Miko isn't right… how about… Cinders?"

"As in Cinderella?"

"Yup. Suits her doesn't it?" Derek smiled.

"Sure," Meredith agreed, just to get off the subject.

"Here, Cinderella!" Derek clicked his tongue. The sleepy puppy raised her head for a moment, and then flopped back down on the rug.

"Now she has the right idea," Meredith said, "Make sure you lock her up. The bathroom, or the basement preferably."

"Alright. I'll be up in a minute or two."

Meredith climbed the stairs, and lay her daughter down in the crib. She was so cute. She had very light brown curly hairs covering her little head. Meredith watched her sleep for a moment before changing into her pyjamas and crashing into bed with Derek beside her.

"You got a puppy," Meredith finally smiled, and kissed Derek on the nose.

"I did."

"You are crazy."

---

Smile. Laugh. Acknowledge the fun things in life. Join in on the silliness. Even if you don't want to, you'll feel better afterwards.

* * *

Maybelline 


	14. Secrets Kept, Tears Wept

Here's a chapter for you. It's a bit short, because I have an exam tomorrow morning but really wanted to post this. And to correct a mistake I made in the last chapter; it said "October" when it should have said "January". Kamila was born on September 18th, just to let you all know. And now, please enjoy the update.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Grey's. I only own Kamila, Melia, and the adorable Cinderella (who by the way, looks exactly like my own labradoodle puppy! They really are the best dogs, _FauxPoesFoes_!)

* * *

Meredith woke to Kamila's cry. She looked at the clock. 6:11. Nineteen minutes before she actually had to get out of bed. She sighed and went to get her daughter. By the time she opened the door, Kamila had stopped crying. Cinderella had her front paws on the crib, her nose shoved through the bars. Kamila was laughing. Meredith leaned against the doorframe, taking in the picture she was presented with. It was so cute! 

Derek came up behind her and put his arms around her waist, "Morning," he kissed her neck.

"Hi," she whispered back.  
"Aren't they adorable?"

"Yeah. Why did you put the puppy in with Kammi?"

She felt Derek shrug, "I thought it would be a good idea. After all, I sort of got the puppy for her."

"Aw, and here I was, thinking she was for me," Meredith teased, turning around to face him.

"Well, we still have a little while… want to take a shower? Kamila seems just fine."

Meredith felt a sly grin spread across her face, "That sounds fantastic."

---

"So are you going to scrub in on my surgery this morning?" Derek asked Meredith as he checked the OR bored.

"A MST?" Meredith read the board, "I've never seen one of those! Of course I'm going to be there!"

"Great," Derek grinned, "I'll see you there this afternoon," he walked away down the hall.

"You know it."

"Morning, Dr. Grey," the usually effervescent intern had no sparkle, and her eyes were red rimmed.

"Did you sleep at the hospital last night?" Meredith asked, looking into Melia's face. She shook her head, looking at the floor. "What happened in your surgery yesterday?" Meredith asked seriously.

Melia shrugged, "Nothing."

"What did Addison – Dr. Montgomery – say to you?"

Melia started to cry again. Meredith dragged her into the office behind the nurses' station and shut the blinds. "What's up?" she asked softly.

Melia sank into the chair. She sighed, wiping her eyes, "I had a tickle in my nose, and fought back a sneeze while I was holding the clamp –"

"She let you hold the clamp? That's awesome!" Meredith interrupted. Seeing Melia's lip quiver, she apologized, "Continue."

"She got really angry, rightfully so, and after the surgery, she told me I would never make it as a surgeon, unless I learned to shut up and pay more attention to what people were trying to teach me. She told me that the hospital was a serious place, not one for people to have fun in, and that I didn't belong here. I don't know why this is such a big deal. It shouldn't be, it's only one person's opinion, but…" she trailed off.

"But she's Dr. Addison Montgomery, an attending physician, and will stop at nothing to terrorize my intern as a way of getting to me. I told you before, Melia, to just ignore everything she says. Trust me, your personality fits this place perfectly; we all need to lighten up a little. All of the patients love you; you have a terrific bedside manner."

Melia smiled at the praise, "What does she have against you, Dr. Grey?" Melia asked for a second time.

Meredith sighed. It looked like she'd have to explain, "First, in private, please call me Meredith. I don't mind. Dr. Grey sounds like my mother. And now, I suppose I'll tell you about Addison."

As Meredith told Melia the complicated story that involved Addison, Derek, and herself, a phrase floated into Meredith's memory from their first meeting. The very first thing she'd said to her.

_Dressed in a long black coat and black heels, a tall, gorgeous woman with curly red hair and a determined expression of fury on her face strode towards Derek and Meredith. She addressed Derek first, and then turned to Meredith._

_"I'm Addison Shepherd. And you," she pointed her finger at Meredith and cocked her head, "must be the woman who's screwing my husband." _

Just as she'd begun to trust Derek, Addison had shown up, ruining everything. And for the second time, Addison was wreaking havoc within the walls of Seattle Grace.

"So she's Derek's ex-wife, and hates me," Meredith finished.

Melia had stopped crying, "That sucks," was all she managed to say.

"Yeah," Meredith sighed, "That's why I ask you to ignore the woman."

"Makes sense."

"Now, let's get out on the floor. There's a patient waiting to be attended to in room 2004. I'll see you later. Have a good day, Dr. Williams."

"I will, Dr. Grey," she smiled.

---

"This is so cool," Meredith murmered as she watched Derek slice though horizontal fibres in the outside of the man's brain with a laser tool.

"It is, isn't it?" Derek asked, never taking his eyes off the patient's brain.

"And this'll stop him from having seizures?" Meredith asked, knowing the answer, but still slightly incredulous.

Derek nodded, "It spares the vital functions in the deep layers of brain tissue." He was performing a multiple subpial transection, an way of curing epileptic seizures.

"Way cool," Melia piped up from the back. Meredith had allowed her into the surgery, hoping to improve her day a little bit. Meredith shot her a look that meant, 'quiet please'. She nodded abashedly.

"Alright, let's let him wake up," Derek said, "He shouldn't have anymore seizures. Why, Dr. Williams?" he asked Melia.

She blushed, "Because the seizure impulses in the brain move horizontally, and they can't anymore because you've cut those nerve fibres."

"Excellent," Derek praised her. She'd studied.

He looked at Meredith, who shrugged, "She's bright, I had nothing to do with it."

"Well done people!" Derek congratulated his team. As an aside to Meredith, "Let's go home."

---

Secrets kept can damage people that they don't even involve. It's far better to inform those at risk and chance embarrassment than to subject them to harms way. In the end, it'll be better for everyone.

* * *

Maybelline 


	15. Rest, Relaxation and Chaos?

And I present to you... chapter fifteen! _FauxPoesFoes_ and _Paris-Alaiheide_, the medical terminology is thanks to a very helpful website, . _Strawberry Cheerios_, I'm so glad you like how I write Melia. She's been a character in my head for awhile now, and I was just waiting for the right time to introduce her. And finally, _Meredith and Derek_, I'm kind of sad that I'm writing Addison as such a ... you know what, because I really like her as a character on the show. Not to mention, she's gorgeous and I want her hair.

Without further adieu, here is the chapter. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **My characters are Melia, Kamila and Cinderella. Everyone else is Shonda Rimes', as you all know.

* * *

Meredith buckled Kamila into a stroller, "Up!" she demanded, lifting her arms.

"Sorry, baby, you're staying there. We're going for a walk with Cinderella." Kamila gurgled. Meredith wondered where the dog was, "Cinderella!" she called. The long legged curly haired six month old puppy came bounding around the corner, ears flapping and tongue hanging out. Meredith laughed and clipped a pink leash onto a matching collar.

As they walked down the street, Meredith couldn't help but notice what a nice day in May it was. She relished in the relaxed, lazy feeling that she was experiencing. To enjoy this kind of holiday was rare in her profession. A week off work to spend with her eight month old was a cause for celebration. It wasn't just handed to her. She'd had to negotiate with the chief for it, and her status at the hospital had taken a few hits. But that didn't matter to her as much as it had before; she had a beautiful baby girl that was her world.

_"So you want a week off?" the chief asked Meredith. He was sitting at his desk, and Meredith was sitting across from him in the ominously quiet room. A clock ticked away the seconds in a corner. _

_"Yes," Meredith confirmed. _

_"To spend at home?" he queried._

_"To take a few days to rejuvenate," she clarified, "and to spend some time with my baby. I'm afraid Kamila won't know me, won't connect with me. Derek's working shorter hours and is able to spend more time with her. She said 'Dadda' three months ago. 'Mum' didn't come for almost a month more. I'm exhausted, and I'm worried that I'll make a mistake with one of my patients, a mistake that could be fatal. You do remember last year, when I popped a glove and damaged that lady's heart? Well, it was because I was so tired. So please, I'm not asking for some leisure time to waste away. I'm asking for something entirely necessary to avoid a collapse," she pleaded with him. _

_Richard studied her for a moment, "This is really important to you," he said, as if unable to fully understand. "You do understand that unless you show me something spectacular, that in a few years you won't even be considered for chief resident?" _

_"Yes I understand," Meredith informed him, silently adding, 'and that doesn't matter as much to me anymore.'_

_"Then yes. Meredith, go home. I will see you back here in one week's time." _

_"Thank you chief. Thank you so much. I won't let you down." _

Now, her week was almost up. She listened to Kamila babble, and watched Cinderella bound around chasing bugs and the occasional piece of garbage. She smiled and breathed in the cool spring air. It was nice to feel normal.

"Mumumumumumumum," Kamila happily chattered.

"Mummy's right here Kammi," Meredith said to reassure her baby. A cool wind picked up, and Kammi started to cry. Meredith looked up to see that the sky had clouded over. She felt a rain drop on her cheek, "We'd better get home," she said aloud.

---

When she arrived back at home, Derek's car was in the driveway. He greeted her at the door with a hug and a kiss, and Kamila immediately started demanding, "Dadda! Up!" Meredith couldn't believe she was already eight months old.

Derek bent down to pick her up, "Hey there big girl!" she giggled, "Did you have fun with Mum today? I'm sure you did."

"We made cookies, and took Cinderella for a walk."

"You made cookies? I didn't see any," Derek peered into the kitchen.

"Well, they found their way to the trash quite quickly… baking was more of Izzie's thing that mine."

Derek laughed, "I love you, Mer," he said, and she smiled. She loved her life.

---

On her last day of vacation, Meredith was sitting on the floor with Kamila, playing with brightly painted wooden blocks. She placed them all relatively far away from each other. She'd been trying all week to get her baby to crawl. Kamila would pull herself onto all fours and rock back and forth, but still unsure of how to move forward. She could even pull herself into a standing position against the couch or the coffee table.

The phone rang, and Meredith got up to get it in the next room. "Don't do anything, baby," she warned her jokingly.

"Mumumum," Meredith heard her babbling as she answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"Meredith," Derek sounded breathless, "how would you like to come down here for a Vagus Nerve Stimulation surgery?"

"I'd love to!" she said excitedly, "what's the deal?" she wandered back into the living room to keep an eye on Kamila.

"Seventeen year old male, has severe seizures. We hope that this will help keep them in check. He's already had surgery on his anterior temporal lobe, and that didn't help. So here we are, trying again," he explained. After a moment of silence, "Meredith?" no response, "Meredith!?" he started to panic. What if something had happened to her?

"Sorry, Derek," she finally said, her voice risen with excitement, "It's Kamila, she's crawling!"  
Derek immediately wished he was at home, "Take a picture!" he demanded. She immediately grabbed the digital camera Derek had bought just before Kamila was born and took a couple of pictures before Kamila plopped down at her mother's feet, looking as though nothing special had happened.

"So are you coming?" he asked.

"Yes! I just have to deal with Kamila…"

"Bring her. I'm sure you can find someone to leave her with while you're in surgery."

"Ok," she said after a moment, "I'll see you in a bit," she hung up the phone. Turning to Kamila, she picked up her daughter, "Let's get you bundled. We're going to go visit mummy's work."

---

"Oh she's adorable!" the nurse at the nurses' station cooed.

"Thank you," Meredith smiled at her. She'd brought Kamila to the hospital twice before, receiving the same reaction from different people each time. Today was the first day, however, that Kamila would meet her intern, "Can you page Dr. Williams please?" she asked the nurse.

"Right away."

Moments later, Melia came hurrying down the corridor, "Oh my goodness! Is this Kamila?" she asked when she saw Meredith with her daughter on her hip.

"It sure is. How do you feel about babysitting for a couple of hours?"

"Will I get out of rounds without overtime?" Melia asked quietly.

"Well that depends on your resident. Is George – Dr. O'Malley – the resident you've been with this week?" Melia nodded, "Then yes, you get out of rounds without overtime," she smiled.

"Then of course I'll baby-sit!"

"You do realize that you'd be babysitting even if you didn't want to, right?" Meredith asked with a crooked smile.

Melia laughed, "I kind of figured as much," she said as she took Kamila from Meredith's arms. Familiar big blue eyes stared at the stranger who was holding her. She took a deep breath in and let out a huge wail. Melia looked mortified.

"Just talk to her. She likes to be talked to. She's very sociable once she understands you're a nice person."

Melia began to murmur softly to Kamila, and she gradually stopped crying. With a final hiccup and a cute baby blink, the hospital was quiet once more. Melia grinned. Meredith told her, "I'll see you in a little while. If you want to come watch the surgery, feel free. But if she starts to cry, get her out of there. This is a complicated surgery, and we don't need distractions."

---

"Long time no see, Meredith," Christina said to her as she entered the scrub room.

"I didn't see your name on the OR board," Meredith said.

"Well, I make it my business to enter unexpectedly into interesting surgeries now that I'm a resident and have that power," she gave a half smile and there was a sparkle in her eye.

"I figured you would. And, I've only been gone six days. That hardly qualifies as a long time."

"It is if you've been here all week. It's been rather hectic in the cardio department. Burke's had back to back surgeries all week, and I've been scrubbing in on a lot of them," she said with a hint of pride in her voice. Meredith could tell she was very happy.

"That's awesome, Christina. And yeah, I suppose it has been a long time."

"How's the kid?"

"She's getting bigger. She crawled for the first time today. I couldn't believe it. I thought she'd never crawl."

"Well, babies tend to do that eventually."

"How would you know?" Meredith teased.

"Just a little something I picked up while hanging out with Alex. He's spending way too much time with Addison over in the gynie department."

"Yeah I know. Scary hey? Our plastic surgeon is definitely changing," she pretended to wipe a tear from her eye. The women laughed.

"Ready to go?" Derek poked his head into the scrub room from the OR, "Good to see you back, Meredith."

---

"That was amazing!" Christina exclaimed as they exited, "It's so bizarre that a little tiny object implanted so far away from the brain can control it."

"Yeah, hard to believe," Meredith said. She had a fixed grin on her face from the exhilaration of the surgery, "And one day, I'm going to do that."

"Yeah. That's cool," Christina said. She was more interested in cardio; it came from being so close to Burke, Meredith assumed.

"Amazing, isn't it?" Derek said, coming up behind the two residents in the hallway, "Now, I'm off work, and Meredith, you're technically not here… so let's go home."

"Lucky," Christina muttered, hurrying away.

"Thank you, Melia," Meredith collected Kamila from the arms of her intern, "How was she?"

"She was terrific. Made a lot of new friends."

"I'm not surprised. With a face like that, who wouldn't want to be friends with her?" Derek's face was alive with love for his baby girl. He touched her nose with a finger, and she giggled.

"I'll see you tomorrow morning, Melia," Meredith said over her shoulder. Melia just nodded, and watched the happy little family walk away.

---

Rest and relaxation are vital parts of the day. Those who don't take the time to rejuvenate every once and awhile will find themselves running behind and unable to keep up with the demands of life. And don't forget; family time is important too – unless your family is a bunch of raving lunatics… in that case, a family dinner every month is probably adequate :).

* * *

Maybelline 


	16. Hope for the Best

And I present to you... chapter sixteen! On a quick note, to _anything.you.want_, the little bits at the end of every chapter are written by me. I try to make them fit the theme of the chapter like Meredith's narrative does on the show.

The song in the chapter is "Save the Last Dance for Me" by Michael Buble... and possibly by someone else before him, I'm not sure. If anyone is familiar with the song, please let me know if it was Michael Buble who first sang it. and now, here's the chapter. Enjoy :)

**Disclaimer:** See previous. I own any characters that you've never seen on the show before. Everything else is Shonda Rimes'.

* * *

"Blow out your candle, baby!" Meredith prompted and demonstrated. Derek stood behind his one year old daughter and blew out the candle as Kamila puffed up her cheeks like Meredith. The candle went out with a wisp of smoke, and Kamila looked shocked. The party goers cheered, and Kamila laughed.

Meredith had invited Izzie, George – who'd brought along the Peds resident, Michaella – Christina – who brought along Burke – and Melia. Alex hadn't been able to make it. She'd also invited the mother of a little boy from the daycare Kamila went to, and of course the little boy. His name was Adam. She couldn't believe it was already her baby girl's first birthday. She was so old.

A camera flash went off as Kamila stuck a chubby hand into the side of the cake. Izzie looked pained; as she had spent a good deal of time making the gorgeous dog shaped cake. Derek swiftly moved the cake just out of Kamila's reach, "Who want's cake?" he asked. He was greeted by a chorus of laughter and "I do!'s"

Izzie stepped forward and expertly sliced the cake. For a brief moment there was silence except for Kamila's happy babbling while everyone ate. It only took a moment though, for Kamila to become completely covered in cake, from her curly dark blond hair to her pink polka dotted dress.

"I can't believe she's a year old," Meredith said, resting her head on Derek's shoulder. George had taken Kamila out of her high chair and was playing peek-a-boo with her.

"I can't believe it either. This sounds clichéd, but it seems like the other day when you told me you were pregnant."

"Well, that certainly was an interesting day," Meredith smiled.

"Indeed," there was a comfortable pause while they observed the party, "She's going to look exactly like you when she grows up, Meredith; gorgeous. I'm going to have to buy a shotgun to keep away the boys!"

"That's a plan," Meredith laughed. He was an overprotective daddy already.

Burke came over with Christina on his arm. He struck up a conversation with Derek, and Christina and Meredith moved away, laughing and talking.

Kamila giggled and babbled as she was passed around the group of people that adored her. Izzie held her hands as she stood on the floor of the living room. George crouched a few feet away, talking to her, "Come see Uncle George!" he beckoned. Meredith stopped talking to Christina to watch, and Derek did the same.

Wobbly, Kamila took a lurching step forwards, holding tight to Izzie's fingers. She smiled, and took another, her curls bouncing.

"She's walking!" Meredith exclaimed, "Derek, get the camera!"

"What a way to celebrate a birthday," Burke said, smiling and wrapping his arms around Christina's shoulders. She laid her head on his chest contentedly. Meredith couldn't help but notice how perfect they were for each other. Later on, she commented to Derek that they would be engaged within the next six months.

"She's sleeping," Melia whispered to Meredith as the party wound down.

"Here," Derek said coming up from behind, "I'll take her." Melia handed the sleeping baby to him. She fussed a little at the exchange, but settled right back into her deep sleep.

"That was a pretty exciting day for her," Meredith commented that night while sitting on the kitchen counter, "First steps, first sugar rush."

Derek nodded slowly from his slouched position in a chair, "She's growing up. This year has just flown by. I feel like there hasn't been enough time."

Meredith shrugged, "Adam's mum, Karen, said that soon they won't be growing up fast enough. She says we'll want them gone, vamoose, and it won't be happening fast enough."

Derek shook his head and crinkled his nose, "It won't happen. Never."

"I didn't agree with her either," Meredith laughed, "How could you wish your baby gone?"

"I have no idea. Must not be very close to them."

"I guess not."

"Come on, let's go to bed," Derek sighed, taking her hand, "I think there's need for a little celebration for the big people."

"Oh, I agree," Meredith said, kissing him. He grabbed her sharply around the waist and pulled her in close, grasping the other hand, and they danced to the song that was playing softly on the radio.

_You can dance – every dance with the guy  
Who gives you the eye, let him hold you tight  
You can smile – every smile for the man  
Who held your hand 'neath the pale moon light  
But don't forget who's takin' you home  
And in whose arms you're gonna be  
So darlin' save the last dance for me _

Oh I know that the music's fine  
Like sparklin' wine, go and have your fun  
Laugh and sing, but while we're apart  
Don't give your heart to anyone  
But don't forget who's takin' you home  
And in whose arms you're gonna be  
So darlin' save the last dance for me.

"Let's dance, Meredith," Derek whispered as he trailed kisses up her neck.

---

Derek groaned as the alarm went off. He gently teased his arm out from underneath Meredith's small frame, trying hard not to wake her.

"What time is it?" she asked.

"6:30."

Meredith groaned, "You kept me up all night."

"_I_ kept _you _up all night? How about _you _kept _me_ up all night?" Derek teased.

"Well, whatever," Meredith realized she was fighting a losing battle, "we have to get to work."

"Yes we do," he only pulled her closer, until they were nose to nose.

"Well maybe we should shower first…"

---

"Alright, Kammi baby, time to get up," Meredith whispered softly. The curled up baby in the crib didn't even stir, "Kammi?" Meredith said again, a little bit louder. No response. She hurried over to the crib, "Kamila?!" she said a bit louder.

Finally, Kamila rolled over, blinking sleepily. Meredith breathed a sigh of relief.

"Everything alright?" Derek asked, poking his head into the nursery.

"Yeah, everything's fine. She was just in a deep sleep," Meredith reassured him. She lifted the sleepy baby out of her crib, "Time to get ready," she changed her diaper and put on a little dress. When Meredith took her downstairs, she opened her mouth wide in a yawn and laid her head on Meredith's shoulder, sticking her thumb in her mouth. Trying to discourage the habit, Meredith pulled at her fist and Kamila started to cry.

"We aren't happy today, are we?" Meredith bounced her a little, "Hungry?" she offered her a bottle. Kamila continued to cry. Meredith began to grow concerned. Kamila was normally such a happy baby. Consistent crying was not normal.

"She doesn't sound happy," Derek commented as he poured himself a cup of coffee.

"She's not. Derek, I think we should take her to a doctor. She won't stop crying, and I think she's running a fever," Meredith said, her eyebrows drawing together.

"Well she is due for a check-up. Got any ideas?"

"George's Peds resident, Michaella might be able to help."

"There you go then. We'll bring her to work with us, I'll take her to get checked out, and then I'll take her to the daycare, providing there aren't any emergency surgeries."

"Ok," Meredith said, feeling a little more at ease.

On the way to the hospital, Kamila projectile vomited all over the back of Derek's head. A deathly silence followed. Then, Meredith began to laugh. Derek's disgusted face slowly turned to a smile as he joined in. Kamila even started to giggle.

"I'm sorry," Meredith said laughing, "It shouldn't be funny, but… well, you have baby puke all over the back of your head!"

"You are so in for it," Derek laughed with her, "And you, baby," he was speaking to Kamila in the rear-view mirror, "are in big trouble because you puked on Daddy's head." Kamila blinked her big blue eyes.

---

"Good morning, Dr. Shepherd," Michaella said brightly as Derek walked into the clinic with Kamila on his hip. She had started crying again while Derek was taking a shower and hadn't stopped, "what can I do for you today?"

"Derek, please. I – Meredith and I – think Kamila is coming down with something. She's running a bit of a fever and she vomited this morning," he explained.

"Too much excitement yesterday?" she asked Kamila, pressing a stethoscope on her chest. Kamila was startled; it was cold and she hiccupped, briefly pausing her crying.

"She's got the flu," Michaella said after a few minutes, "it's been going around lately. She goes to daycare, right?"

"Yes."

"That's probably where she picked it up. Give her a couple of days and she'll be just fine. I don't think she should go back to daycare today, maybe to a private sitter if you can find one. You can get children's Tylenol to help bring down her fever."

"Right," Derek said distractedly. He checked his watch. It was a Saturday. "Thanks, Dr. Fletcher," he smiled, picking Kamila up off the examining table.

"No problem," she smiled as he left.

Derek called the fourteen year old neighbour girl to see if she would baby-sit for the day. She said yes, and Derek drove Kamila home. He returned to the hospital just in time to meet a new epilepsy patient who needed surgery.

---

"Excellent job here," Derek congratulated his team as they finished the surgery on the epileptic patient several hours later, "Meredith, please close and clean up." He really had to go to the bathroom.

"Dr. Shepherd," a nurse said as he exited the scrub room, "I have four messages for you. They're all from a girl called… Kylie?"

"Kaley," Derek corrected her, "she's the babysitter. What are the messages?"

"Well the last message is that she was getting her mum to take Kamila to emergency. She was running a fever of 104 degrees. You're supposed to meet her down there," she read off a piece of paper.

"When Meredith comes out of surgery, tell her to meet me in the ER immediately. Try not to alarm her please," he told the nurse, and took off down the hall at a run.

"What's going on?" he asked Kaley's mother, Allison, when he arrived, breathless, in the ER.

"Kaley lost the children's Tylenol you gave her, and Kamila's fever spiked. I'm so sorry, Mr. Shepherd."

Kamila was sleeping and hooked up to an IV to re-hydrate her. One of the ER interns was writing on a clipboard. Derek turned to her, taking charge, "Get her up to Peds, stat," he told the young woman, "I want her taken care of properly."

"But she doesn't need to go to Peds," the intern started to protest.

"I'm an attending, and I am saying she needs to go up to Peds right now," Derek demanded. Meredith came around the corner, wide eyed and breathless.

"Is she ok?" she asked, hurrying to the bed.

"She's been given a sedative, an IV to re-hydrate her, and some drugs to bring down her fever," the ER intern said vaguely, "I'm taking her up to Peds now."

---

"Her fever is under control, but she's not responding very well to her surroundings. I think we need to run some tests. You can go back to work; she's going to be sleeping for the majority of this time anyway. I'll get someone to page you when we're done here," Michaella Fletcher told the worried parents awhile later.

Meredith and Derek exchanged a glance, "I'll stay with her. Derek is going to go back to work."

"Ok then," Michaella smiled, "let's get going."

Derek spent the next several hours unable to completely focus on his work. Luckily, he had no more surgeries that day, and just a bit of paperwork and labs to go over. Finally when he went up to Pediatrics at the end of the day, he saw that Meredith did not look happy.

"Derek," she sounded distressed, "The fever has damaged her brain."

---

Life throws a lot of stuff at you. It's amazing; you're having the time of your life, and then BAM! Something bad hits you like a tonne of bricks, and you have no idea what happened to make it come your way. Trusting that it's going to get better is sometimes the only thing you can do to make it through the hurdles life presents you.

* * *

Maybelline 


	17. Lean on Me

Well, I watched the new Grey's Anatomy episode tonight, and I am love love loving it! I hope you all got to see it too, but incase you didn't, I won't say anything here. PM me if you want to discuss it! Two quick notes before I get on with the chapter: To _ocrocksmysocks, _Kamila does mean 'perfect' in Arabic. And to _chocolatetree, _I'm sorry to hear about your family. I hope everything works out alright for you and yours.

I realized that the web address that I'd put in as to where I'd gotten my medical information from never appeared in the chapter once it was posted. So, lets try again: the site is www. (The fever damaging the brain thing, I was surprised too when I first read it, _JainaZekk621_, but it is possible... who knew?)

Now, without further adieu... chapter seventeen!

**Disclaimer: **We know that the oh so brilliant Shonda Rimes owns Grey's and that I don't.

* * *

Derek took Meredith into his arms and tried to reassure her, wishing all the while that he had someone to tell him it would be all right. Meredith finally let a tear fall, and then another. She didn't want to be strong anymore. What would happen in the future when she had to continue being strong? She didn't know how she'd cope. 

"She's deaf, Derek," she finally managed to tell him.

"What?!" he was alarmed.

"They said it's possible that they can fix it, but her brain won't receive the impulses from the inner ear. It takes a highly skilled surgeon to perform this type of surgery, to create new pathways in her brain," Meredith explained, her head still against Derek's chest.

"Well that's not a problem," Derek thought aloud, "I've performed a very similar surgery before."

Meredith looked up at him with confusion, "You can't operate on her, can you?"

Doctors shouldn't be operating on family members. Even operating on close friends was discouraged, "We'll see about that," his voice was determined.

"Do you know that my daughter was taken to emergency today?" Derek asked, bursting into the chief's office moments later.

"Yes, you may come in and sit down," the chief said sarcastically. "Yes, I know Kamila is in the Peds wing under close observation. Meredith told me earlier today."

"Oh."

"Is she alright?" Richard prompted after a moment.

Derek shook his head, "She's lost her hearing, and needs an operation. You know the one," he told Richard.

"I had no idea it was that bad," he said sympathetically.

Derek took a deep breath, "I want to do the surgery."

Richard sighed. "I can't let you do that."

"Why the hell not?" his voice was rising, "I am the best neurosurgeon in Washington. My daughter needs care, and she needs it right now. I can help her. I can fix her."

"She's family, Derek. You know the rules. I will try and get someone to fly in, but I can't promise anything. More than likely, you'll have to go elsewhere. Derek, please try and understand why you cannot perform the surgery."

Derek sank back into the chair and put his head in his hands. When he spoke next, his voice was soft and full of pain, "She's my baby girl. I can't stand the thought of her growing up without being able to hear just like every other child. I don't like the fact that I'm putting her life in the hands of someone I don't know."

"Now you know what every parent feels like when they come to you to fix their children," the chief said, not unkindly.

Derek had never thought about it that way. He felt so helpless, and for the first time understood that letting your child go under a knife guided by someone else's hands was a terrifying experience. You had no way of controlling the outcome, no way of saving your child's life.

"Come back to me in an hour, Derek. I will see what I can do."

"Thank you, chief," he said, leaving the room.

When he arrived back in Peds, Meredith was holding Kamila in her arms. She was still connected to an IV that was administering medication. Kamila looked perfectly happy. Meredith was speaking softly to her.

"She can't hear you," Derek said quietly as he entered the room.

"I know… but Michaella said she could feel me speaking, even if she couldn't hear it." Kamila rested her hands on Meredith's chest, and looked up at her mother adoringly.

---

"What's the verdict?" Derek asked Richard, trying to lighten the mood.

"There's a surgeon down in California who can perform the surgery. We can't bring him up here because he's very busy, but because I went to school with him, he said he'd do me a favour and slot you in."

"Thank you so much."

"I am going to assume that you're going to fly down there?"

"Probably. Driving would take too long."

"I can arrange for a chopper to take you if you'd like. Safer for Kamila, and you can leave in a couple of days."

"I would really like that. Thank you, Dr. Webber. I'm just going to go tell Meredith what's going on."

"Derek," Richard stopped him before he left, "There's only room for one person in the helicopter, what with all the medical equipment. You have to decide if Meredith is going to take her, or if you are. For the sake of Meredith's future as a surgeon, it would be far better for you to go. She's missed a lot of time already because of this baby. But it's up to the two of you."

Derek nodded, and left down the hall.

"I want to go! Derek, I don't want to leave her!" Meredith bounced Kamila on her knee to keep her calm. She detected her mother's stress.

"I know, but the chief is concerned about your performance here. Not to mention, if something goes wrong, I can help save her, no matter what they say," he added the last part more to reassure her than anything else.

Meredith sighed, giving Kamila a kiss on the head, "I really, really want to go."

"I know, Mer, but we'll only be gone a day; two at the most, then she can come back to Seattle Grace."

"Fine," she said resignedly, "Do not let anything happen to her," she looked up at Derek.

"Don't worry. She'll be just fine," he sounded confident. He didn't feel as he sounded.

---

"Ready?" the pilot asked Derek.

Derek nodded and gave Meredith a kiss after she kissed a sleeping Kamila, "She'll be fine," he assured her. Meredith stepped back, and watched the helicopter fly away. She felt herself crying. Hugging herself around the waist, she left the rooftop. Christina was waiting for her when she came through the doors.

Christina pulled her into an awkward hug, "This is hugging," Meredith whispered, trying to control her sobs.

"Shut up, you're my person, and I'm yours."

The sound of their pagers going off startled them. Meredith wiped her eyes, "We're wanted in the ER," she sniffed.

"I thought that's what interns were for," Christina muttered.

"What've we got?" Meredith asked, walking beside a paramedic rolling in a young girl on a gurney. Her hair was matted with blood, and she was grand mal seizing.

"Twelve year old female, beat up by her father. She hit her head on a bedpost. Stats were just a little below normal before she started seizing about twenty seconds ago," he told her. Meredith looked around. There was a drunken man, bleeding severely from the right side of his back lying on his side on a gurney and yelling. A petite woman by his gurney was sobbing uncontrollably.

Meredith turned her attention back to the seizing patient. "Give her ten milligrams diazepam IM," she ordered Melia, who'd appeared moments before at her side. After a few moments, her seizure stopped. "Alright, Dr. Williams, please get her down for a CT scan. Page me when you get the results."

Melia wheeled the unconscious girl away, and Meredith went to help Christina with the man. Christina quickly told her the story, "he got shot in the back by his wife while he was beating his daughter. Talk about tough love."

"This family has issues," Meredith muttered to Christina.

"No kidding. This man has to get into an OR. Page Dr. Burke," she told one of the nurses. She turned to Meredith as she pressed dressings against the wound, "I'll be fine here. You can go deal with hysterical lady if you want."

"Gee, thanks," Meredith said sarcastically, but walked over to her anyway, "Hi," she introduced herself, "I'm Dr. Meredith Grey," she had to speak loudly to be heard over the wails of the woman. "Who are you?" she asked. The woman continued to wail. Meredith realized she wasn't going to get anywhere. Her pager went off. She turned to an intern who had just finished stitching up a little boy's arm. "Dr. Haslam, please come and deal with this woman here. I have a 911 page."

"Dr. Williams, you paged?" she asked as she entered the room.

"Look at this, Dr. Grey," she pointed to the scan, "Is this –?"

"A burst aneurysm," Meredith confirmed, "She needs emergency surgery."

"Dr. Shepherd's not here," Melia said.

"I'm aware," Meredith said, thinking hard. The only other brain surgeon in the hospital was on sick leave.

"There's no one to do it then," Melia stated the obvious.

"Yes, yes I know… just… I'll be right back," Meredith said distractedly, running from the room. As always, when she needed guidance, she turned to her mentor, Dr. Bailey.

"So do the surgery," she said, matter-of-factly.

"I've never performed a surgery on my own before," Meredith stammered.

"Well, this looks like your chance, doesn't it? Meredith, I'm busy. I don't have time to be babysitting residents. Go, do a surgery! Save a life!"

En route to the CT room, she stopped briefly to empty the contents of her stomach into a garbage can. She paused for a moment, but shook her head. It was just nerves. Of course; just nerves.

"Looks like I'm going to be doing the surgery," Meredith said to Melia as she came back into the CT room. "Her parents are both a little bit busy at the moment… her mother's in hysterics, and her father is in surgery himself… so I want you to get her prepped for surgery. You're scrubbing in with me," Meredith sighed. It was the seeing impaired leading the blind.

---

"Alright, everyone; this girl has a burst aneurysm, and it's up to us to save her life," taking inspiration from what Derek had said in Meredith's very first surgery, she stated, "Let's have some fun."

Meredith took her place at the young girl's head. She had found out her name was Katie Dubois. Ironically enough, Katie was the name of the first person whose surgery she'd partaken in. She remembered, it was a similar surgery even. She felt Derek was with her, guiding her as she took a deep breath, "Scalpel."

"Scalpel," the nurse confirmed, handing it to her. Meredith carefully placed the instrument over the line, and carefully made the first incision.

"Retractor."

"Retractor."

"Clamp."

"Clamp."

After what felt like forever, Meredith found the aneurysm.

"Do you see that, Melia?" she asked her intern.

"Yeah," she breathed, her voice giving away her excitement.

"Look here, I just have to stop this bleeding… can you hold this?"

"Really?" she asked. Meredith nodded, and she carefully took the clamp from her teacher's hand, her face alight with the exhilaration of assisting in an advanced procedure.

They stopped the bleeding, and Meredith offered to let Melia close. She instructed the girl as she concentrated all of her attention on stitching up the scalp.

When the surgery was finally over, Meredith couldn't help but grin. Her patient was still alive and she'd managed to fix her, "Congratulations people, well done!" she praised her team. "Excellent work, Dr. Williams," she smiled, shaking hands with her intern. She heard applause, and looked up to the gallery where a surprising amount of people had gathered. She glimpsed a very proud looking Miranda Bailey right before she slipped out of the room.

Suddenly she was overcome by the need to hurl, and hurried out of the OR, vomiting into a bio-hazardous waste bin, "Are you ok?" Melia asked her, coming into the scrub room.

Meredith removed her gloves and wiped her mouth, "Yeah," she said, "I think I might just have Kamila's flu."

"Aw, Mer," Melia slipped out of her mask of professionalism.

"I'll be ok," she said, "I just need to go lie down for a bit."

She left the OR, going down to the pharmacy on the first floor (A/N: I don't know if they have a pharmacy at Seattle Grace… but because it's convenient for me, they do now!) by the gift shop. As discreetly as possible, she purchased a home pregnancy test.

---

It's perfectly ok to ask others for help now and then. Even the most strong, independent individuals eventually find a shoulder to cry on. We all have our 'people', even if we don't know it yet, and they will help us through the toughest of times. Independence is good, as long as it doesn't get in the way of the very necessary companionship. Open up, let people in, and you'll be surprised what you receive in return.

* * *

Don't worry: I haven't forgotten about Kamila. 

Maybelline


	18. Grin and Bear It

_JainaZekk621_, Kamila is a real name, it's an Arabic name, unless I'm mistaken. And to _Strawberry Cheerios_, I think your spider senses are correct! Now we will get to find out about Kamila. In this chapter, there's a bit of continuation from the last, and then as you will see, a couple of time jumps. I included some necessary events and a cute moment or two, but I didn't feel the need to write about her pregnancy, as we've already seen a pregnant Mer in this story. Hope you enjoy :)

**Disclaimer: **See previous.

* * *

"Kammi?" Derek said very quietly. He hoped that she would wake up, and that his voice would wake her up; that she'd be able to hear.

"Dadda," she spoke as soon as her eyes popped open. Derek nearly cried with relief. The surgery had been a success. Kamila had no blonde curls; her tiny head was wrapped in bandages. She looked so delicate and fragile. He ever so gently picked his baby up, and cradled her in his arms, talking to her all the while, as if he tried to make up for the days without sound.

Derek had spoken with the surgeon, Dr. Mark Ryan. He said that there was little chance of any damage to her functioning abilities. She would be able to live a perfectly normal life. It wasn't very often that this procedure went so smoothly, and Kamila Shepherd had been lucky. He tried to call Meredith as soon as Kamila came out of surgery, but the receptionist had said she was in surgery and couldn't be reached.

Now, he would take her home to Seattle; to Meredith and Seattle Grace. She'd receive the highest quality of care from the hospital and from her mother. He couldn't wait to see Meredith again.

"So, if you'll just sign here, I can let you take her home today," Dr. Ryan said. He was personally dealing with this tiny patient.

Derek hurriedly signed the transfer of care forms, and thanked the doctor profusely. He humbly replied it was no problem. Derek got in the helicopter after his daughter, who was wide awake and healthy looking.

"Seattle, here we come," the pilot said over the headset, and up into the air they rose.

---

How was she going to tell him? Their daughter was barely a year old, and she was going to tell Derek that she was pregnant again. This was absurd.

"You're sure?" Christina asked her a fourth time.

"Yes! Dammit, Christina! Of course I'm sure," Meredith was growing frustrated. She checked her watch. The helicopter would be here in a matter of minutes. She looked up. There, in the distance was the tiny speck of what was probably the helicopter form California.

"Well, I'll leave you and your roof to be alone," Christina turned on her heel and headed back downstairs.

Meredith watched the helicopter approach, nervous and positively quivering with anticipation. And, possibly nausea, but she was doing her best to push that aside. She covered her face as the helicopter landed. The pilot cut the engine, and out stepped Derek, helping the paramedic lower Kamila's gurney onto the roof. Meredith hurried over, receiving a quick kiss from Derek, and a gurgle of recognition from Kamila.

"Welcome home," she said to them both, "I got the message that the surgery went well. You will never guess what happened here," she said, trying her best to keep her mind off the potential baby.

"No, you're right, I probably won't," Derek smiled across the gurney at her.

"I performed an emergency brain surgery all by myself," Meredith grinned.

"Congratulations!" Derek was excited for her. He could tell by her excitement that the patient was doing just fine.

"I'm so glad you're home though," she sighed.

"I'm glad to be home. I'm glad Kamila is going to be just fine. I'm glad that you got to perform your first surgery," Derek said, "I'm glad everyone is safe and healthy again. I'm glad for a lot of things."

"Well," Meredith said as one of the interns wheeled Kamila into a private room, "I hope you'll be happy about one more thing."

She pulled him aside, and Derek got a funny look on his face. He wasn't sure what to expect. Finally she said quietly, "Derek, I think I'm pregnant. Again."

"Meredith, that's great news!" Derek exclaimed, "Why don't you look happy?"

"You said yourself the Chief wasn't impressed with my performance. I can't afford more time off. In nine months, we're going to have two babies in the house, both under two years old. I don't think I'll be able to deal with that."

"I'll be right there with you, Mer," Derek hugged her, "And don't you worry about the Chief," Derek said to her, "He can't possibly be unimpressed with your performance after you flew solo, into an emergency surgery no less."

She couldn't help but smile, "Yeah." Her face slowly brightened, and there was a determined glint in her eye, "I can do this," she said to Derek, "_We_ can do this."

--- **_Three Months Later_** ---

Addison Montgomery performed an ultrasound on Meredith Grey. Derek bounced a happy Kamila on his hip and held Meredith's hand. Kamila's hair had grown back, and she was very healthy, the only reminder of the unhappy time was a scar on her scalp, invisible under her mat of curls. "Well, this is a surprise," Addison said, pointing to the screen. Meredith and Derek didn't need Addison to decipher the ultrasound for them.

"Twins?" Meredith breathed, "You have got to be kidding me."

"I'm not," Addison said, unsure of whether to be sympathetic or feign happiness.

"Meredith, that's so exciting! Kamila is going to be a big sister to two little siblings at once!"

Finally, Meredith smiled, placing a hand on her belly. Yeah, this was going to be wonderful. She began to get excited. She turned to Kamila, "Kammi, you're going to be a big sister twice!"

Not fully understanding, Kamila employed her new favourite word, "No!" she exclaimed. Addison laughed with the little family. Kamila looked proud of herself for making them laugh, and happily giggled with them.

"Have a good one," Addison said as she walked them to the door of the exam room.

"Thanks, Addison," both Meredith and Derek said. Meredith took Kamila from Derek and balanced her on her hip.

"Twins, hey?" Derek said, grinning uncontrollably.

Meredith smiled, "Yeah. Twins."

---** _One Month After That_** ---

"As you all know, I have been with this hospital for many years. I have thoroughly enjoyed my time here. I've been lucky enough to work side by side with amazing surgeons. I've been blessed with overseeing the instruction of many interns over the years who have added as much happiness and entertainment into my life as they've added stress to it. I would like to thank everyone that's taken part in making this a wonderful year for me, and proudly present to you the new Chief of Surgery; Dr. Preston Burke!"

Richard Webber shook Preston's hand, and then stepped away from the podium and allowed Dr. Burke to take his place.

"I cannot begin to express how truly honoured I am," he began, "Dr. Richard Webber has been a wonderful person in my life, first a teacher and then, I am proud to say, a very dear friend. His presence around Seattle Grace will be greatly missed, but I hope that I will be able to step up and make Seattle Grace hospital as great a place as Richard has made it.

"Now, on an entirely different note, I have an announcement to make. Three days ago, Dr. Christina Yang agreed to marry me," he said, smiling even wider than he had been a moment ago. He saw his fiancée look into her champagne glass, smiling to herself as the crowd applauded his new appointment and his engagement.

Derek held Meredith's hand as she rested the other on her growing belly, "I'm glad you turned the position down," she whispered to him, "I'm very proud of you, but I'm glad you turned the position down."

---**_ Aaand…Two More Months Later…_** ---

Kamila reached over and picked a toy off the shelf, "Mine," she said matter-of-factly.

"No, Kammi," Meredith reached for the toy and returned it to its place on the shelf, "We're here for your little brother and sister." She tossed identical teddy bears into the cart; one blue and one pink. Kamila pouted.

"A thousand penguins could sit on that lip," Meredith tapped her daughters lip with her finger and continued pushing the cart. Kamila deepened her frown.

Meredith moved into the home renovation section of the department store. She looked at the amazing palate of paint colours. Selecting a few pastel shades, she turned to Kamila, "Which one do you want?" she asked the eighteen-month old. Kamila immediately grasped the pale purple one in her chubby fist, "Mine!" she exclaimed.

"Yes, that can be yours," she said, selecting that colour of paint from the shelves. She was going to redo George's old room this weekend for Kamila to move into, and the nursery wouldn't have to change from its alternating two sky blue and two pale pink coloured walls.

She ordered a crib that matched the one already in the nursery, and a white bed with drawers underneath and a safety railing for Kamila after the twins arrived. This whole shopping thing on a Saturday afternoon was a little weird for her. But she was enjoying it.

--- **_Finally (and I know you're getting frustrated with me now) Three More Months Later _**---

"It appears that there are some complications, Meredith," Addison said as gently as she could, "I have to get you down to the OR for an emergency C-section." Seeing the looks on the faces of the couple, she added, "I'm not making any promises, but I think if we act now, the babies will both be fine."

---

Surprise, surprise! Yet another surprise. What can we do in response to the unwanted surprises? We could crawl into a hole somewhere and never come out. We could become violent and take hostages at the grocery store. Or, we could grin and bear it. Once you pretend for long enough that you're happy, the fine line separating the fantasty from reality slowly begins to fade away, until you wake up one morning and realize that you really, truly love life.

* * *

Stay tuned...  
Maybelline 


	19. Fix You

Well I just got home from a cheesecake party. Yes, a cheesecake party. I think everyone should have one of those every once and awhile. Mmm...delicious. Anyway, _light-stick_, when Meredith told Derek, she was only about a week pregnant. I thought I did the math correctly, but maybe not.

I'll try one more time for the site I use for anything medical... www. medicinenet .com

The song in this chapter is Coldplay's 'Fix You'. Now, has anyone got any thoughts on a song that suits Christina and Burke's relationship? Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Grey's.

* * *

"You awake, Mer?" Derek asked, quietly stepping into the hospital room. 

She turned to face him, eyes heavy with exhaustion and sleep, "Yeah."

"Do you want to go visit them?"

She nodded her head slowly, knowing that this would be tough, seeing her babies hooked up in the intensive care unit. Addison had taken her son away after only allowing her a brief glimpse of him. He was sick; weak lungs and slightly underdeveloped heart. She'd only been able to hold her daughter for a moment more; just long enough to see that she had thick dark hair and soft grey eyes. The baby girl was slightly bigger than her twin brother, and a lot healthier. Addison still wanted to keep her under observation in ICU, just in case some problems manifested.

Derek offered to get her a wheelchair, but Meredith insisted that she walk. After the long, slow trek down to the ICU, Meredith finally got to see bother her babies, less than six hours old.

Addison had put them both together in the same incubator so they could draw strength from the company of each other.

"They're so tiny," Meredith whispered. Derek pulled her close to him and she laid her head on his chest, never taking her eyes of the babies.

"They're going to make it. Don't worry," he tried to reassure her, "Addie's going to fix them."

They stood in silence holding each other close, listening to the soft music playing over the P.A. system.

_And the tears come streaming down your face  
When you lose something you can't replace  
When you love someone but it goes to waste  
Could it be worse? _

Lights will guide you home  
And ignite your bones  
And I will try

_To fix you_

Addison watched them from the end of the hallway. She crossed her arms and leaned against the wall. They were so wrapped up in each other and their family. It made her sad to see them so sad. After a brief moment of indecision, she strode over to the couple, "Would you like to touch them; to hold your daughter?" she asked.

Meredith could only nod. A look crossed over Derek's handsome features; a look of immense gratitude, "Thank you," he said to her, and for a fleeting second saw once more the Addison he had once loved and married.

Meredith approached the incubator, holding tightly to Derek's hand. Addison opened it and very gently picked up the tiny dark haired girl, wrapped her in a blanket, and handed her to Derek.

He gazed down at his daughter, adoration clearly showing itself on his softened face. She yawned and he smiled. He turned to pass her to Meredith, but her attention was focused entirely on their son. He had tightly grasped her pinkie finger and was staring up at her with clear blue eyes; Derek's eyes.

She finally managed to tear herself away a few minutes later and held her daughter for a minute before Derek told her he had to go to work. They walked down the hall again, and Meredith said to Derek, "He's strong. He's going to be ok."

Back in the ICU, Addison gently placed the baby girl back into the incubator. "You are very lucky babies," she said to them, running a finger across the baby girl's cheek, "Your parents both love you very much. They will look after you and give you the best life you can possibly imagine."

Addison felt a tear roll down her cheek. She was so lonely since coming back to Seattle. She was living in the trailer she had once shared with Derek. She went to work, and came back to the trailer, occasionally stopping for a drink or two or more at Joe's. Her only company were the tiny babies that she took care of.

Checking her watch, she realized she'd been free to go 'home' for twenty minutes. As she stood in the pouring rain outside Seattle Grace, she pulled out her cell phone and dialled a very well known number.

"Hi, Mark? ... Yeah, it's Addison."

---

"They need names," Meredith said to Derek the next day, "They'll start having identity crisis if they don't have names."

"I agree," Derek said, making a face at Kamila, who was sitting in his lap.

"I was thinking, Derek, that maybe we could give our little girl the middle name Addison," she saw the shocked look on Derek's face, "but only if you want to. It's just that she's helped us out so much," Meredith continued. She'd given this a lot of thought. Naming your child after your ex-wife would be very weird.

Derek turned this idea over in his head for a few minutes. She had saved the life of their son, "I think that is a very sweet idea," he finally said smiling.

"So how about 'Desiree'?"

"Desiree Addison Shepherd," Derek tried. It sounded right, despite the 'Addison Shepherd' that very much reminded him of his first wife. He nodded though, "That works."

"Now for our little boy…" Meredith said thoughtfully. "Kevin?"

Derek shook his head, "I hate that name. There was a boy that lived down the street when I was little. He always used to try and beat me up. I wasn't 'man enough' for him, having four sisters… what about 'Caden'?"

"Caden 'Alexander' Shepherd?"

"I like that," he turned to Kamila, "Do you like those names for your brother and sister?"

"Me hungry," she informed her parents.

"Well, whatever works," Meredith laughed.

---

"You can take Desiree home today, but Caden will have to stay here for at least another week," Alex Karev told Meredith as she put her book away into her overnight bag.

"How is he doing? Is he improving?" she asked.

"In leaps and bounds. He was off breathing assist this morning," Alex informed her.

"That's excellent!"

"We just want to keep him here for a little while longer, just to make sure that there won't be any emergencies once you take him home."

"I understand," Meredith told him truthfully, "I just wish I could take him home right now."

Alex nodded sympathetically, "Will you be taking Desiree with you, then?"

"No, I think I am going to leave her with Caden, at least for the night. They need each other."

"I agree. He's been improving so dramatically, that I'm almost positive it's because his sister is with him."

"Plus, I want to spend a little bit of time with Kamila. I'll be back to work tomorrow."

"Take care, Meredith," Alex said as she walked out of the room.

Meredith stopped in by the intensive care unit for a quick visit with her little ones. "You can hold him today, if you want," Addison said softly from the corner.

"I do," Meredith said earnestly. Addison wrapped the tiny Caden in blankets and carefully gave him to Meredith. He was wide awake and cooed very softly. Addison placed baby Desiree in her other arm. She too was awake, and gurgling happily, "Hi, Caden. Hi, Desiree," she greeted her children. Desiree beat her two little fists against the blanket she was wrapped in.

"Mummy's going home today, but she'll be back for you. Don't you worry. Soon, you'll get to meet your big sister, Kamila. You'll get to see your nursery and Daddy. We have a dog too, Cinderella. I bet she's excited to meet you too," Kamila hadn't met her younger siblings yet because they didn't want to bring her into the ICU, "Mummy has to go now," she told them, "But I'll be back." Kissing both of them on their foreheads, she handed them to Addison one at a time.

"How are they?" Derek asked when she saw him in the hallway.

"They're doing just fine. Caden was taken off the respirator this morning, and Desiree is happy and strong. They said we could take Desiree home today, but I think Caden needs her."

"That's great," Derek smiled, giving his wife a hug, "I'll see you at home in a couple of hours. Can you pick Kamila up from daycare?"

"That's exactly where I was going."

When Meredith arrived at Seattle KidCare, the woman who runs it, Karen, greeted her with enthusiasm, "Kamila has been saying things about Mummy and the hospital all day! I had hoped that it was just because you'd had the babies, not because something was wrong. It appears that's the case!" she bubbled, handing Kamila's diaper bag to Meredith.

Kamila toddled up with a brightly coloured block in her hand, "Mummy!"

"Hi baby! I missed you!" Meredith scooped her up, "Ready to go home? Mummy's going to spend all day with you today. You have a big kid bed. Do you want to go home and see it?"

"Ok," she said, her blonde curls bouncing against her delicate face. Her vocabulary was increasing at a rapid pace, "Yours," she said, handing the block to Karen. She also understood that only her toys at home belonged to her.

"Thank you," Karen always treated Kamila like a grown up.

---

"This is your new room," Meredith told her daughter, setting her on the floor in George's old room. She ran over to the white bed with purple flowered bedspread and crawled onto it, giggling.

Meredith laughed, "Your toys are in here," she pointed to the toy box that had been painted to match the room.

Kamila's big blue eyes were wide with excitement. She lifted the lid of the box and peered into it. Assured that all of her things were where they belonged, she toddled over to her mother, "Up," she demanded. Meredith obliged.

"Do you want to read a book?" she asked.

"Yes!"

Meredith selected a Winnie-the-Pooh book from the shelf and they sat down on the bed and Meredith began to read, with Kamila pointing out all of the pictures.

---

"Hello, I'm home!" Derek called when he came in the door a few hours later. He didn't receive a response. Curious, he walked through the house, first around the lower story, and then went upstairs. He finally found the two of them curled up in Kamila's new room on Kamila's new bed, a Winnie-the-Pooh book forgotten on the floor.

He stood in the doorway for a moment. Then, not wanting to disturb them, he went downstairs to start making dinner.

He dropped a pan on the floor and it clanged around loudly. He grimaced as he tried to stop it from making noise. A few minutes later, Meredith came down the stairs with a sleepy Kamila on her hip and a teddy bear in her arm. "Sorry," he offered,

"It's ok, I hadn't intended to fall asleep," she said yawning, "I guess I was just tired, and she was tired…"

"What would you like for dinner?" he asked.

"Mm… potatoes… and peas…"

"Coming right up," Derek said, trying to spin the pan around his hand but underestimating its weight, and dropped it on the floor. Kamila jumped and frowned at him. Meredith laughed.

"Mad skills, chef Shepherd," she teased.

"Why thank you, Madame Grey," he bowed, taking frozen peas out of the freezer.

Meredith set Kamila down on the floor with the stuffed bear, "I'll get the potatoes."

---

A couple of days later, Kamila peered into the crib in the nursery. She wrinkled her nose at her little brother, who was staring up at her slightly cross eyed. Kamila shook her head, "Take babies back," she told Derek firmly. "I don't like the babies."

Derek looked his daughter in the eye, "They're going to stay here forever. Mummy and Daddy love you lots and lots, but we love the babies too."

"I don't," Kamila frowned.

"Do you want to help Daddy hold your sister?" he asked her.

"No," she replied obstinately.

"Ok," he set her on the floor. He went to pick up Desiree, and sat in the rocking chair with her. She gurgled. After a moment, Kamila's curiosity got the better of her stubborn pouting. She came over and looked into the face of Desiree. Without warning, Desiree grabbed at Kamila's hand.

Kamila took in a sharp breath of surprise, but didn't pull her hand away. Derek watched her face change from complete unhappiness to an expression of amazement. Finally she said, "Ok," and walked across the hall to her own room, passing Meredith who was on her way into the nursery.

Meredith watched her toddle past. "She's accepted them," Derek told her. Meredith smiled.

"I'm glad," Meredith nodded, taken Caden out of his crib to change his diaper.

---

Someone will always be there to fix you. All you have to do is open up, let them in, and allow them to heal your wounds. All will be ok.

* * *

Replies welcome; suggestions for that song _much_ needed. 

Maybelline


	20. I Love You More

Thank you everyone for your reviews! I was kind of sad that I didn't get many ideas for a Burktina song, but that's alright. I do appreciate your suggestion, _tayababy_, but it didn't quite fit the mood of the scene. The song is on my iPod now though:)  
_Paris-Alaiheide_ - I'm very glad you noticed the connection between Addison and the general theme of the chapter. I had worried no one would get it and am glad you picked it out.  
_lala_ - Thank you for that bit of information; I wasn't aware of that.

And now, to continue with the story... Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Grey's.

* * *

"Meredith, can you pass me my shoes?" Christina asked her friend. She looked gorgeous; her silky black hair cascaded down her shoulders and her white strapless gown flowed down to the floor.

"Here you go," Meredith handed her friend the delicate white shoes with tiny bows on the toes; very un-Christina, but Preston's mother had taken over the wedding and insisted on those shoes. She couldn't believe her best friend was getting married. Meredith herself was dressed in the deep pink maid of honour dress that Christina had picked out for her.

"You look like a princess bride," Meredith complimented Christina.

"No I don't, and there's no need to get all sappy," she snapped. She was so nervous, and this was her way of dealing with it. Meredith gave her a hug, "You realize that we've been doing an awful lot of this hugging business lately?"

"Well, it's necessary," Meredith told her. Two year old Kamila came running into the room, her curls escaping from their cute little up-do, and the pink ribbon around her white dress undone. "Come here you!" Meredith laughed. She spun her daughter around, retied the ribbon and fixed her hair, "Ready to go, girlie?"

"Yes, mummy."

"Do you remember what you have to do?"

Kamila nodded, "Give Mr. Preston the rings and walk slow," she reciprocated very deliberately.

"Right. Good girl. Now let's go," she took her daughter's hand.

They arrived at the door of the church. Meredith fixed Christina's veil before letting her take her father's arm. The music started and she watched George walk down the isle towards Preston and Derek, with Izzie on his arm as groomsman and bridesmaid. Meredith followed them, catching Derek's eye and smiling. She took her place at the alter and turned to see her daughter holding the ring cushion and staring at her feet, pausing after each step. The congregation began to chuckle.

After what felt like forever, Kamila finally arrived at the end of the isle and took her mum's hand, "Did I do good?" she asked.

"Yes," Meredith tried not to laugh, "You did great."

Everyone turned to watch Christina's father walk her down the isle. He looked so proud. Her mother, sitting in the front row, began to cry.

The marriage official conducted the short, non-religious ceremony. Christina and Preston had discussed it, and decided that they would marry in a non-religious ceremony to avoid making any mistakes with a multi-religious ceremony.

Kamila handed over the rings at the appropriate time, feeling very important. She fidgeted minimally, which surprised Meredith. At one point, she heard a cry come from the back of the room, and saw Melia hurry out of the church with Desiree.

"You may kiss the bride," the official finally said to Preston. He turned to Christina, his face alight with happiness, and lifted her veil aside. He took her face gently in his hands and kissed her carefully, "I love you," he whispered under the applause.

The music started up again, and Christina took her new husbands arm. Meredith shooed Kamila to follow them. Derek offered his arm to Meredith, "You look beautiful tonight."

She took his graciously. Izzie and George followed them as they exited the church.

Melia had offered to sit the children while Derek and Meredith went to the reception, and the couple enjoyed their first real night out since before Kamila was born.

"And now, the bride and groom will take the floor for their first dance!" the DJ announced. Derek chuckled as an old Beatles song came on over the speakers.

_There are places I remember  
All my life though some have changed  
Some forever not for better  
Some have gone and some remain  
All these places have their moments  
With lovers and friends I still can recall  
Some are dead and some are living  
In my life I've loved them all_

Christina looked so content as she held Preston Burke's gaze. He smiled down at her, taking in her beauty.

Couples began to join them on the dance floor. "Meredith," Derek asked, "May I have this dance?"

Meredith nodded and took his arm.

_But of all these friends and lovers  
There is no one compares with you  
And these memories lose their meaning  
When I think of love as something new  
Though I know I'll never lose affection  
For people and things that went before  
I know I'll often stop and think about them  
In my life I love you more_

"I cannot wait to take you home," Derek whispered into her ear, "Your dress is gorgeous, but I don't think it will last two minutes once we get home."

"Mm, yeah," Meredith grinned.

She laid her head on his shoulder and he wrapped his arms around her waist. "Meredith, we should do this someday."

"Dance?" she asked.

"No, get married. We've been engaged for what… almost three years now?"

"Well, first there was Kamila, and now there are the twins… I guess it just sort of got pushed to the side."

_Though I know I'll never lose affection  
For people and things that went before  
I know I'll often stop and think about them  
In my life I love you more  
In my life I love you more_

"Yeah," Derek murmured as the song ended, "But still. I say we plan to get married before Kamila goes to kindergarten."

"That's three more years you know."

"Yeah, but that's ok. We can let Desiree and Caden be our flower girl and ring bearer," Derek laughed.

"Alright then," Meredith said, "It's a plan."

---

Around midnight, the party came to a close. Christina stood on her table and tossed a bouquet backwards into the crowd of women. Michaella caught it and then caught George's eye; they both looked surprised. Everyone applauded, and Derek whispered to Meredith, "It's a good thing we set the general date so late," he joked.

Meredith gave Christina a hug, "Congratulations."

"Thanks," Christina smiled. She was exhausted. The hospital would be without its chief for four days while the two went on their honeymoon to Italy.

"Let's go home," Derek offered Meredith her coat and she slipped into it.

"Let's."

Derek paid Melia for babysitting the children, who were all sleeping, and as soon as she was out the door, he pinned Meredith against the wall, removing her coat as he kissed her, slowly and deeply. She reached around his waist underneath his tux jacket for the clasp on the cummerbund and let it drop to the floor.

Cinderella came bounding up, eager to welcome home her people, "'Drella!" Meredith laughed as Derek kissed her cheek, "go lie down!"

"Accursed bowtie," Derek muttered as they took the stairs two at a time, and he tried to undo his bowtie. She grabbed his tux jacket and pulled him to her against the wall. He kissed her hard and allowed the bowtie to finally fall.

The moment they were in their bedroom with the door shut, Derek had Meredith's dress pulled over her head and he was wearing nothing but his pants. He lowered her to the bed as she fumbled with the belt, and then the zipper. Derek traced kisses along her neck and she knew she was a goner.

---

"Daddy," a voice whispered through the darkness.

"Yeah, baby?" Derek said into his pillow.

"I think there's a monster in my room," Kamila was crying.

Derek got out of bed and pulled on sweatpants, careful not to wake Meredith. He scooped up his daughter, and carried her back into her room, "I'll scare the monster away," he told her, "He will never come back." He flicked on the lights to reveal nothing out of the ordinary. Kamila shielded her eyes, but then realized there really wasn't anything in her room.

Derek set her on the floor, and went over to her closet, and shook his fist into the darkness, "Go away!" He tucked her into bed. "Daddy, will you sleep with me?" she asked.

"I'll stay here until you fall asleep."

"What if the monster comes back?"

"He won't. I think I scared him away for good."

It didn't take her long to fall asleep again, and Derek left as quietly as he could. He slid back beneath the covers, and Meredith mumbled, "What was that?"

"Kamila thinks there are monsters in her closet," he pulled her close, and she sighed, slipping back into sleep.

---

A loud wail ripped the silence of the early morning. Caden's lungs were getting stronger. Meredith glanced at the clock, and with a groan realized it was only four thirty. She had to work today, and really was hoping that her babies would all sleep through the night. A moment later, a second cry was heard. Great; Caden had woken Desiree.

"Get up," she said to Derek as she removed his arm from around her waist, "I can't deal with both of them at the same time, and I REALLY don't want Kamila awake already."

"I'm up, I'm up," Derek said, getting out of bed. Meredith wrapped herself with a bathrobe, and the two of them went to get their babies.

"Shh," Meredith whispered as she picked Caden up out of his crib. He immediately ceased his noisemaking when she held him to her chest, murmuring to him. Desiree quieted a moment later when her brother stopped crying.

"Please sleep," Derek said to his daughter, "Please… Daddy needs sleep. Mummy needs sleep. Please, please go back to sleep."

His pleading worked, and a moment later the two babies were sleeping again. Derek and Meredith hurried back into their room to try and catch a few more hours of sleep.

---

The alarm went off at six-thirty. An exhausted Meredith reached over to smack it off. "I think I'm going to call in sick. Or say I got hit by a truck. I feel like I've been hit by a truck," she groaned.

"I feel your pain," Derek sighed, getting out of bed and moving across the hall to un-chivalrously take the first shower, "but if you said you got hit by a truck, they might wonder why you're not there anyway."

Meredith lay in bed for a few more minutes, listening to the steady sound of the water falling in the shower. She caught herself falling back to sleep, and got up right away. She went first into the twins' room, changing first Caden's diaper, then Desiree's. When she put Desiree back into her crib, she began to cry, so she tried putting her in with Caden. The siblings looked at each other, and began to gurgle and coo. Meredith smiled, and went to get Kamila up.

"Hey, it's time to wake up," Meredith said, touching her small shoulder.

"Is the monster gone?" she mumbled.

"Yes baby, the monster's gone."

Kamila raised her arms, wanting to be picked up. Meredith obliged, "Girly, you're getting big!"

"I know," Kamila said proudly, waking up, "I'm a big girl!"

"Yes, yes you are. Let's go eat breakfast."

Before Meredith could get downstairs, Derek came out of the shower, a towel wrapped around his waist, "Go have a shower," he told Meredith, "I'll take her for now."

"Thank you," she said gratefully, setting Kamila on the ground. She ran over to her dad.

"The monster stayed gone," she informed him, "You scared him."

Derek looked down at his daughter, smiling at the obvious pride she had in her father, "I'm glad."

---

True happiness is about enjoying life as it comes. Don't be a square wheel; just roll with it! Maybe you're running on three hours of sleep and all you want to do is crawl into a nice warm bed and never ever get out of it… but if you are content with your life and the people you surround yourself with, nothing can ever bring you down.

* * *

Maybelline 


	21. Convince Yourself

Here is chapter twenty one. Wow, twenty one chapters. Just to say: I never would have gotten this far if it weren't for all of your fantastic reviews.  
_c106_: You are totally right. I forgot to write Alex into the last chapter! feels guilty... sorry everyone who loves Alex: he'll be in this chapter with a bigger role to make up for it.  
_FauxPoesFoes_: I totally love the Beatles too! They are definitely the best. Well... after Billy Joel, in my opinion. But they are awesome.

Now for the chapter it self. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** See previous... please.

* * *

"Mummy! Mummy, it's my birthday!" Kamila exclaimed as she ran down the stairs. It was her fourth birthday today, and she was very excited. Her younger siblings, who had gotten big kid beds a few months prior, were following her down the stairs, although at a bit of a slower pace.

"Happy birthday, Kammi!" Meredith scooped her up, "You're four today!"

"This many," she said, proudly holding up four little fingers.

"Mummy, I'm hungry," Desiree whined. She wasn't very happy this morning; Kamila was getting all the attention.

"I'm making breakfast," Meredith nodded towards the frying pan on the stove, "You get pancakes today."

"With faces?" Caden asked, his eyes wide.

"Blueberry ones."

"That's my favourite," Kamila announced.

"I know; that's why I'm making them."

"Where's daddy?" Kamila asked, her smile fading slightly.

"He's at work. He'll be home in time for your birthday party this afternoon," Meredith informed her daughter, dropping blueberries into the cooking batter.

---

Derek pulled a clean shirt over his head, and exited his office. He checked his watch. He still had an hour before Kamila's party started. He pulled on his jacket and hurried down the hall. He saw Addison talking softly to a nurse.

"Going home already?" she asked.

"Yeah," he replied, "It's Kamila's birthday today. Her party starts at one, and promised Meredith I'd be there."

"Right," Addison said, pretending not to remember that this was Kamila's birthday. It wasn't exactly a forgettable date in her mind. Four years had passed, but she still remembered. There still was so much tension between them. Addison had spent the last two years avoiding him, since Mark had come back.

"Well, have fun," she offered stiffly.

"Thanks," she watched him walk out of the hospital, whistling softly to himself.

Mark was working at the hospital now, and she was sharing an apartment with him. It wasn't a real relationship; they lived together for convenient sex, and that was where it ended. Last year, Addison had tried to convince herself that there was something more; that they could be a couple. Unfortunately the sparks between them had fizzled out long ago, but their living arrangement hadn't changed.

Derek had not been pleased when he saw his once best friend arrive at the hospital. Burke had offered him a job, despite his knowledge of their history. Seattle Grace was in desperate need of a plastic surgeon, and Mark Sloan provided. Conversation between them was strictly work related and they avoided each other when at all possible.

Addison hated the tension. She often found herself wondering what had happened between them. Then it came back to her; the allure of Mark's mysterious bad-boy nature, and her lack of self control. She hated herself for that. She'd driven away the perfect man, and hadn't been able to keep the one she'd given her marriage up for. And then there was Meredith.

Meredith Grey. She couldn't believe Derek had fallen for her; quiet and unassuming. She wasn't strikingly pretty or especially witty, and there was nothing special about her, except that she was the first girl Derek had seen in a bar.

The hospital was quiet, "Keri," she said to the nurse, "I'm going out for lunch. I'm leaving my pager on. Please let the chief know, in case someone needs to find me."

Addison stopped in her office to grab her purse, and strode to her car. She started the engine and cranked the radio. The quiet bistro she wanted to go to was only a five minute drive away.

_Maybe I've convinced myself I've really been in love  
And I've been wrong all along_

_For all I know the feeling and the picture that I've tried  
So hard to find isn't mine_

She found herself humming the tune of this unfamiliar song. She put on her turn signal to change lanes. Addison sighed. She wasn't happy. She knew she wasn't happy. She questioned why she was even in Seattle. At first, it had been to get away from Mark. But she hadn't been forced to come to Seattle. She was one of the best neonatal surgeons in the country; she could get a job anywhere.

_And on my own  
Its hard to tell my heart it will be alright  
This love it holds will one day find a home  
As hard as love can be  
Its harder still it seems_

_To be a lover all alone without love_

But she was a sucker for punishment, it seemed. Derek's presence was familiar; she'd focused so much on her career that she hadn't made friends outside of the hospitals she'd worked in. Now that Derek wasn't hers any longer, she did the only thing she knew how to do: work. And, of course, have loveless sex with her ex-husbands one time best friend.

_Picking up the pieces makes me wonder if  
I only build it all to watch it fall  
The faster it can go away it means the less of me  
Is gone to stay and I'm ok_

She pulled into the parking lot and sat in the car for a moment, belatedly checking to make sure she had enough money. The song on the radio ended.

_Maybe I've convinced myself I've really been in love  
But I've been wrong all along_

She sat down at a table in a corner, a ringlet falling into her face as she glanced at the menu the waitress handed her. She'd been here often enough though, and didn't really need to choose what to eat this time.

She sat and ate her meal in silence. The bread felt dry in her mouth, and her favourite hot wings tasted bland. She sighed, and brushed her hair out of her face. This was a bad idea. Working was far easier.

"Excuse me," a voice said from behind her. She turned around sharply, startled. A tall man with dark hair and eyes, who was probably a little older than she, was standing there holding a newspaper under his arm. "I'm sorry," he smiled, "I didn't mean to startle you."

"Can I help you?" she asked as politely as her sour mood would allow.

"I just noticed you sitting here, all alone. Do you come in here often? Because I think I've seen you before…"

Addison paused for a moment, wondering about this man's intent. She finally decided that an answer couldn't hurt, "Yeah, I come in here every once and awhile."

"Why are you always alone?" he asked.

"I think that's a bit personal to ask someone whose name you don't even know," Addison said, raising an eyebrow at the boldness of this stranger.

"I'm sorry!" he laughed, "Nathanial Clark," he held out his hand. She reached to shake it, finding herself at ease.

"Addison Montgomery."

"Nice to meet you. May I sit down?" he asked.

"I don't see why not."

---

The doorbell rang yet again, "I'll get it!" Kamila ran to the door. Derek was fast on her heels as she stood on tip toes to reach the door knob. "Adam!" she cried as the door was swung open.

"Happy Birthday," he said, handing her a brightly wrapped package. Adam and Kamila had started preschool together two weeks prior.

"Say thank you," Derek whispered as his daughter took the present.

"Thank you!" she grinned. She was so excited.

"Come in, Nadia," Derek invited Adam's mother inside.

"It's hard to believe they're so old," she commented. Adam was already four. His birthday was six months ago, "They're already going to school."

"It's unbelievable, yeah," Derek said as he picked up Desiree, who had been tugging on his pant leg.

"Daddy, I want presents!" she pouted.

"It's not your birthday," he explained to her for probably the tenth time in the past half hour, "When it is your birthday, you will get presents."

"When's my birthday?" she asked.

"You had your birthday a couple months ago," he told her, "You have to wait until June for your next birthday."

"How old did you turn on your last birthday?" Nadia asked Desiree.

She held up two chubby fingers, "Twooo."

"Meredith's in the kitchen, Nadia, if you want to go see her. I have to go conduct some pin the tail on the donkey," he told her, and she laughed, "Do you want to play?" he asked Desiree.

"Yeah!" she brightened.

Nadia headed into the kitchen, where Caden was sitting on the floor with plastic Duplo blocks. Izzie and Meredith were putting the finishing touches on Kamila's cake. Flowers had been carefully piped by Izzie in each corner, and Meredith was helping clean up by doing the utmost important licking of the spoon ritual.

"I'm so glad you came!" Meredith exclaimed as Nadia pulled a stool up to the kitchen island.

"I wouldn't miss it. Adam was so excited. He's been talking about it for three days."

"Aw, I'm glad. They're really good friends, aren't they?" Meredith asked. Because she worked so much, she didn't get much of a chance to spend a lot of time with her daughter and her friends.

"They really are, when Kamila's not playing in the house corner of the preschool with Melinda. Adam won't go near the dolls; he's dead set against them."

Melinda was a quiet girl that Kamila had made friends with over the past two weeks. She would be beautiful when she grew up, with smooth milk chocolate skin and curly black hair. Their friendship had surprised Meredith, as Kamila was quite an outgoing four year old, and Melinda was very shy.

The doorbell rang again. All of the guests were here, even Christina and Preston, except for –

"That'll be Alex," Izzie said happily, setting down the piping bag to go answer the door.

The two had dated off and on for the past four years. He'd been Izzie's date at Christina's wedding and she had been as happy as the bride herself. They had gone through an unusually long period of 'on' lately, and Meredith and Christina speculated that the two of them might actually be getting ready to settle down.

"Hello ladies," Michaella greeted them as she came into the kitchen. Nadia noticed the ring on her finger.

"Are you and George engaged?" she asked, surprised.

"Yeah we are," she smiled, "We've set the wedding for February 14th," she blushed.

"This is news," Meredith put a hand on her hip, "I cannot believe that O'Malley never told me!"

"Well he just proposed the other day," Michaella admitted.

"It's not like I didn't see him at work yesterday, and the day before."

Michaella put a hand to her mouth, "It was supposed to be a secret I think. He was going to tell everyone tonight."

"Ah well, we all know now," Nadia said, "Congratulations!"

Izzie came into the kitchen a moment later, with Alex on her heels. He immediately turned around, "Too much estrogen in here."

Everyone laughed, and Christina passed Alex on her way into the kitchen, "Evil spawn," she grinned. It was just like old times, with a few new additions.

"Congrats, Michaella," Christina gave the pretty girl a smile. "George told me," she explained.

"Ah, well I guess it wasn't so much a secret," Michaella shrugged.

A roar of laughter was heard from the living room. The women decided that they'd go and watch the children play. Caden got up off the floor, carrying a car in his hand, and followed his mum without a word.

It turned out that the laughter was because one of the little girls, Kendra, had mistakenly stuck her donkey tail onto Desiree's head. Desiree was looking about ready to start crying. Meredith ran over to remove the tape and tail from her daughter's head, but she wasn't fast enough.

Desiree opened her mouth and let out a wail that was probably heard on the east coast. Meredith picked her up and bounced her on her hip, "Shh, its ok," she tried to calm her down. She took her into the kitchen, and George followed. All of Meredith's children loved George.

"Des! Don't cry, silly goose!" George poked her nose. She stuck her thumb in her mouth, and stopped wailing, but didn't stop crying, "Let me take her," George said to Meredith.

"Maybe Uncle George has a surprise for you!" Meredith said, giving the dark haired toddler to her friend.

George pulled a little teddy bear out of his pocket and handed it to her. He had originally intended it for Kamila, but Michaella had picked out some finger paints for her, and the small bear wouldn't be missed.

"Mine?" she asked, the tears stopping.

"Of course!" George kissed her forehead.

"Thanks George," Meredith whispered as she passed him.

Derek was just herding the six children in the living room outside, "Who wants to play tag?" he was asking.

Parents and friends assisted in the bundling up of the kids. Velcro shoes were done up and zippers on windbreakers zipped. Derek proclaimed one of the boys, Davey, 'it', and they were all off and running. Even Caden tried to play, but he mostly just ran after his big sister.

It turned out tag wasn't a very good idea, as Kendra and Melinda stopped and kneeled down, looking at a bug in the grass. The game came to a screeching halt, "You know, I really thought that was a good idea," Derek frowned, as Meredith came and wrapped her arms around his waist.

"It was a great idea," Meredith told him, "It got them outside, and they think they're doing something exciting."

"Very true," he admitted.

"Is he alright?" Preston, who was standing next to Derek, sounded concerned.

"Who?" Derek asked, looking around the small yard.

"Caden," Meredith breathed. She ran across the yard to her little boy. The toddler was standing, wide eyed by the fence and wheezing slightly. He looked about to pass out. She picked him up quickly, "Caden, honey, talk to mummy," she said.

He tried to cry, but couldn't do it. His lips were tinged a bluish purple. "Derek!" Meredith was beginning to panic her self, "I think he's having an asthma attack!" she surprised herself. "I have to take him to the hospital; we don't have any drugs here to deal with this!"

"I'll stay here and hold down the fort," Derek said, although he desperately wished that he could go with his son.

"I'll drive you, Meredith," Alex volunteered.

"Thank you," Meredith was surprised at this show of kindness. Meredith didn't even bother to put Caden into his car seat; even though she knew it was unsafe, she held the wheezing baby on her lap, and while tears welled up in his frightened eyes, she spoke to him in what she hoped was her calmest voice.

Alex let them out at emergency, and went to park the car. Addison was just sending a patient who needed stitches over to see Dr. Williams, who was now a third year resident. Wow, how time flew.

Addison was shocked to see little Caden, turning blue and a very panicked looking Meredith in the emergency room.

"Asthma attack, I think," Meredith gasped.

"Sit down and calm down before you have a panic attack," Addison directed Meredith, taking Caden out of her arms. She listened to the baby's chest with her stethoscope. She heard his fragile lungs wheezing, and immediately ordered an intern to "grab 100 mg sabutamol and a nebuliser."

Meredith's breathing slowed, and Addison handed Caden back to her and fit a miniature oxygen mask over his head, "I'm giving him oxygen and sabutamol, to calm his bronchial tubes."

"Thank you," Meredith said, rubbing her baby's back as he gasped for air.

"It's a good thing you got him here as soon as you did," Addison commended her, "any longer and I don't really want to think about what may have happened. I think his asthma is probably a result of his weak lungs at birth," she explained. She had had concerns that this might be a problem later in life, but hadn't wanted to ruin Derek's happiness with worry. She realized now it was a mistake.

Meredith nodded numbly, "Its ok, baby, you're ok."

Alex came running into the ER, "Is he ok?" he asked.

"Getting there," Addison told him, "Breathe slowly with him and look him in the eye," Addison instructed Meredith, "it'll help slow his breathing and get more medication into his lungs."

Meredith knew all this, but in the panic of her son's sudden illness, she had completely forgotten everything beyond the diagnosis.

A half hour later, Caden's breathing was back to normal. "I'd like to run a few tests, just to make sure that it was only asthma rearing its ugly head, and not something more serious."

After two hours of tests and waiting, Addison informed them that they could go home, along with a prescription for a space chamber, a ventalin inhaler for emergencies, and a metered dose fluticasone propionate.

"Is everyone gone?" Meredith asked Derek after she'd told him that Caden was ok.

"Yeah, except Izzie. Sorry Mer," he said sympathetically, lifting the sleeping toddler from her arms, "we got a lot of pictures though."

"Desiree was crying after you took Caden away," Izzie informed her, "even George couldn't make her stop." She had a tearstained Desiree on one hip, whose thumb was jammed in her mouth.

"Come here, Des," Meredith said, taking her baby from Izzie and giving her a kiss on the cheek, "Caden's ok, see?"

The usually talkative Desiree said nothing, but continued to suck her thumb. She'd known her brother was in trouble, and it was still concerning her.

"I think it's time to go," Alex said softly to Izzie.

"Yeah," she grabbed her coat, "Thank you for having us. Happy birthday Kammi!" she said to the four year old who was clinging to Derek's pant leg. Izzie and Alex left hand in hand, and the door shut on the Shepherd family.

---

It's Murphy's Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. It's up to us to make the best of it, and work around the situations that life throws at us. And don't forget to be happy: optimism sometimes counters Murphy's Law.

* * *

Maybelline 


	22. Destiny

_chocolatetree_: The music on Grey's is usually really good, probably a quarter of the songs on my iPod are from Grey's. And, Addison will get some happiness. (Don't worry _FauxPoesFoes_). It's not a big deal that you don't update every chapter! I love reading them whenever you have the time though :)  
_Allison_: Thank you for the suggestion! I chose asthma as his illness because I too have asthma and it's easy to write about. The steam in the shower is a good idea, I didn't know about it. I'll have to try it next time. So on a personal note, thank you :)

In the last chapter, the song was "Lover All Alone" by Clay Aiken. I think I forgot to say that. And the song this chapter is called "Destiny" by Jim Brickman.

This will be the last chapter featuring the kids as small children. So, enjoy their endeavors while you can...

And, _ilajkajas2215_: here you are; you get your wish!

**Disclaimer:** Grey's Shonda Rimes'

* * *

August first was beautiful. Warm and sunny, it was the perfect day. Meredith couldn't ask for anything more as she dressed Caden in a tiny tux. Beside her, Christina was fighting with a very unhappy Desiree to get her into her dress. Desiree was often unhappy; it was just how it went. Meredith was not looking forward to the teenage years. 

"Now it's my turn to say I can't believe you're getting married," Christina commented as she finally pulled Desiree's dress over her head, "You and McDreamy have been engaged what, almost six years?"

"Less than that," Meredith tried to downplay it because it was, after all, only five years and eight months, "And I haven't heard him called that for a long time."

"You just don't spend enough time with Izzie and I in the hall downstairs anymore."

"Yeah, I miss that," Meredith smiled at the reminiscence.

"But I'm sure you don't miss being an intern."

"Pfft, Miss Chief Resident. Being the Chief of Surgery's wife certainly has its perks.

"You know that Chief Resident was picked by a panel, and you're just jealous," Christina teased.

"Not really, I'd rather spend my time here with my kids than at the hospital."  
"I can't believe you," Christina said, "You used take extra shifts just to spend more time there. Now, we're only a year away from being offered fellowships, and here you are saying you'd rather spend time with your family?" Christina said this as if it was the most ridiculous thing she'd ever heard.

"Yes," Meredith said simply, clipping the bowtie to the front of Caden's shirt.

Christina sighed, "I'm going to leave you here with the munchkins and go get changed."

"Mummy, I'm hungry," Desiree informed her.

"Ok, sweetie, let's go and get you a snack," Meredith brushed a curly tendril out of her face and checked to make sure her hair was still up the way Christina had done it. It looked fantastic, and there were tiny pale pink flowers weaved into the fancy bun on her head.

After animal crackers were given to the twins in plastic containers, she heard Christina coming down the stairs. "Pale pink suits you," Meredith told her friend.  
"You don't get to give compliments today, Meredith. All you get to do is sit back and wait for people to tell you how good your hair looks. Then you can say 'why thank you, Christina did it!'"

Meredith laughed, "Here, watch them please. I'm just going to pull on my dress." Her dress was simple; cap sleeves and a low, rounded neckline. It was a light cream colour, with pale pink trim around the bottom of the skirt and on the sleeves to match her bridesmaids' dresses.

"I feel like a princess," she said to herself, looking in the mirror at the short train that swept the floor.

"Are you ready, Meredith?" Christina's voice floated up the stairs, "The car is here!"

She sighed, and looked at herself one last time as Meredith Grey.

---

"Kamila!" Derek was getting frustrated with his daughter. She kept looking around at the people while he was trying to pin her hair back out of her eyes, which was a hard enough job without her waving at everyone, "Kamila, face me please!"

She turned, her big blue eyes staring into his, and she put two little hands on either side of his face, "Like this, Daddy?" she asked.

Derek's heart melted at the way the literal mind of an almost five year old worked, and he wasn't frustrated any more.

People were finishing milling around, and Derek spotted all four of his sisters in the front row with his mother and father. He was pleased that they'd all been able to come. On the other side of the isle, he saw Ellis Grey in a wheelchair. She was seated with a woman from the nursing home. She had absolutely no idea why she was here; the Alzheimer's was too far advanced.

Just as Preston had had Derek as his best man, Derek had Preston as his. He'd been thinking about this day for a long time, and thought about how this position would have once been reserved for Mark Sloan; but not any more.

As he took his place at the alter, he glimpsed bright red. So, Addison had come after all. A man was seated beside her, but it was not Mark. He was tall, with dark hair and a self satisfied look on his face. They were talking. Derek found himself very curious.

"Who do you think that is with Addison?" Derek whispered to Preston.

He shrugged, "I've never seen him before. Why do you care?"

"I don't," Derek shook his head.

The wedding processional began, and Izzie was being walked down the isle by Alex, followed by George and Michaella, who had gotten married in a lovely Valentine's Day ceremony this past February. Following them was Christina and Kamila. Kamila had insisted she was too old to walk down the isle with her younger siblings, and Meredith had decided that she'd walk with Christina, although this time at a reasonable pace.

Desiree and Caden followed them, hand in hand. Derek chuckled when he noticed Desiree eating an animal cracker, which was probably the only way Meredith had gotten her to walk down the isle.

And then he saw her. Positively glowing, Meredith was on the arm of Thatcher Grey. He had been surprised when she said she wanted her father to give her away, as they didn't exactly have a great history together. He had been even more surprised when he said yes. But he was her father, and Derek knew that this was important to her.

Everyone took their places on the steps, and Meredith's father awkwardly kissed her on the cheek before taking his seat beside Ellis. "Who are you?" she asked loudly. A shadow passed over Thatcher's face as he tried to ignore her. Meredith looked sad for a moment, until Derek took her hand.

"Ready?" Derek whispered.

The smile she smiled brightened her face and she nodded.

Caden stood stiffly, holding the rings on their pillow. Desiree loudly asked Christina for another cracker, and Caden gave her a funny look. They were so opposite. "Shh!" Kamila put her finger to her lips. Desiree stuck her tongue out at her older sister. Christina gave the girls a look that could kill, and they both fell silent.

Meredith's hand quivered slightly as Derek slipped the cold ring on her finger. It settled in to fit with the other rings on her finger. He clasped her small hands in his, and the minister pronounced them husband and wife.

Very carefully, Derek tilted her chin up with his thumb, and kissed her ever so gently and lovingly. She shut her eyes, and kissed him back, for the first time Meredith Shepherd.

"Ew!" Desiree exclaimed, and Derek and Meredith drew apart smiling as the congregation applauded and laughed. Christina grabbed the three-year-old's ear, and Desiree swatted up at her hand, but did not say anything.

They left the church and got in a rented limo to drive to the hall where the reception was to be held. The second the door was shut, Derek grabbed her and kissed her hard. This was a very different kiss from the one he'd given her moments before.

"I love you, Meredith," he breathed, running a hand up her silk bodice.

"I love you too, Derek," she allowed her head to rest in the hand he placed on her cheek.

"Took us long enough, hey?" he commented, drawing back slightly.

"Sure did," Meredith laughed, "It's those kids."

"I love 'those kids'," he laughed too.

---

"Addison," Derek said, "You came."

"It's rude not to accept wedding invitations," she said, looking at her hands, "Congratulations."

"Thank you," he smiled. Despite the lack of smile on her face at the moment, she seemed happier. Derek wondered if it had to do with the man hovering just behind her, "I see you brought a date," he said.

She smiled, illuminating her beauty. "Yeah," she took the man's hand and pulled him forward, "This is Nathaniel Clark. We've been dating almost a year now."

Derek was quite surprised. He'd seen her at work nearly every day, and he hadn't noticed that she looked so much better; happier than she had a year ago. He forced himself to smile, "That's great!"

"Yeah," Addison looked up at Nathaniel, and Derek walked away to find Meredith, it was time for the dancing to begin. He tried to remember why he had invited his ex wife, and chalked it up to naming Desiree after her. How ironic, he though, that she was the chronically unhappy child?

The music started up over the speakers, and expectantly, people crowded around the dance floor. Derek took Meredith's hand, and her train whispered across the wooden floor as she swept towards him.

_What if I never knew _

_What if I never found you _

_I'd never have this feeling in my heart _

_How did this come to be _

_I don't know how you found me _

Meredith's small hand rested in Derek's as he pulled her tight and they danced. Meredith found herself lost in Derek's fathomless eyes. How she loved his eyes.

_But from the moment I saw you _

_Deep inside my heart I knew _

Other couples began to take to the floor, but Meredith and Derek were oblivious. Caden tried to take his sister's hand to dance, but Desiree wouldn't let him, and he ended up sitting on the floor and pouting.

_Baby you're my destiny _

_You and I were meant to be _

_With all my heart and soul _

_I give my love to have and hold _

_And as far as I can see _

_You were always meant to be _

_My destiny _

"I can't believe this finally happened," Meredith whispered as he pressed his cheek to hers.

"I can't believe it either. It's right though, and most certainly is about time."

"I'm Mrs. Shepherd now," Meredith grinned, kissing her husband's cheek.

"That you are. Meredith Shepherd."

_I wanted someone like you _

_Someone that I could hold on to _

_And give my love until the end of time _

_But forever was just a word _

_Something I'd only heard about _

"You promised me you'd be here forever," Meredith recalled.

"I will be," Derek assured her, drawing back and kissing her nose, "That's why I picked this song. It suits us."

"Yeah, I know,"

_But now you're always there for me _

_When you say forever I believe_

Addison watched the happy couple from over Nathanial's shoulder, and as she felt his hand on the small of her back and her breath on her neck, she finally allowed herself to let go.

---

Forever means just that: forever. It seems impossible, and incredibly unlikely. But just as one hundred and seven days is not long to wait, when you find your forever, it won't feel nearly long enough.

* * *

Maybelline 


	23. Playing with Explosives

_chocolatetree_: I was thinking about buying the Grey's soundtracks... it's cool that you love them, now I might just have to buy them. :)  
_FauxPoesFoes_: I'm so glad you liked my bit about Desiree having Addison's name. It's going to come back to haunt the Shepherd family, I can promise you that.  
_anything.you.want_: Just as I said to _FauxPoesFoes_, Desiree's being the 'chronically unhappy child' will most certainly come back to haunt them. You'll see soon enough.

Writing is my outlet, and as I'm seriously hating math right now, I can't seem to cut the Shepherd family a break. Sorry to all. I promise some fluff in the next chapter though, if you all promise to stick with me :) I love you all!!!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Grey's. Silly people, you all know that!

* * *

Derek sat forward in his seat, eagerly awaiting the first note to come from the grand piano. Eight year old Kamila was sitting on the bench at the Seattle Academy of Music's annual fall recital. She'd been playing since she turned five; Meredith had thought it would be a good idea for them to take lessons because after all, 'music makes you smarter'. The twins, now six, had been playing for a year. This was their first recital, and they were clutching their sheet music in the front row.

Meredith slipped her hand into Derek's. She was nervous for her daughter, even though Kamila wasn't nervous at all. They watched as she lifted her small hands to the piano and began to play.

It wasn't a complicated song. She'd only been playing for just over three years, so it couldn't be complicated. But when she played, it was like Derek was watching a concert pianist performing a complex sonata. The sound that filled the room was far better than the electric keyboard the kids practiced on at home.

"I think it's time we get them a real piano," Meredith said to Derek when everyone applauded Kamila.

"I think so too…" Derek sighed. On a real piano, he couldn't get them to turn the volume down.

Getting the night off to attend the recital was a very fortunate stroke of luck for Meredith. She had been offered a fellowship at Seattle Grace two years ago, and had been almost as busy as an intern ever since. She only had four months left until she was officially an attending physician.

Christina and Izzie were both in the midst of cardiothoracic fellowships. Alex was still pursuing a career in neonatal surgery, and George, ironically enough, was specializing in colorectal surgery – of course, appendectomies his main surgery.

Caden and Desiree had their turns, plunking away at "This Old Man" and "Hot Cross Buns", respectively. Finally, after what felt like a thousand more young pianists, it was time to go.

"Great job you guys!" Derek said as they left the concert hall. He was very proud of his little musicians. He scooped Desiree up, who was very pleased with her performance at her first recital and appeared to have forgotten that she didn't want to play the piano.

Meredith held Caden's hand as they walked to the car, "Did I do good, Mummy?" he asked her quietly.

"You did _well_," she stressed proper grammar, "Very well." The quiet boy smiled to himself, still clutching his lesson book.

"Did you hear my mistake?" Kamila asked her father, "Everyone didn't hear, did they?"

Derek shook her head, "No, I don't think anyone noticed, baby."

She crossed her arms, "I'm _not_ a baby anymore dad. I'm in grade _three_."

"Sorry," he apologized, doing up his seatbelt.

"It's straight to bed when we get home," Meredith announced, "We all have to get up early tomorrow. Daddy will make sure you get on the bus, I have to be at work early."

"You _always _have to be at work early," Kamila frowned.

"I'm sorry, guys, but I'm almost done my fellowship. Then I won't have to be up so early every morning."

"What's a fellowship?" Desiree asked, intrigued.

"It's where mummy practices to be a surgeon like daddy," Meredith explained.

"You are a surgeon like me," Derek said to her in an undertone. Meredith gave him a half smile.

"Not half as good," she challenged.

"You know darn well that you're a great surgeon."

"You're only saying that because you have to," she teased, even though they both knew he wasn't.

Caden coughed, and Meredith turned around immediately, "Are you ok?" she asked.

He nodded, "Yes mummy." Meredith was always concerned that he would have an asthma attack. She knew he was fine, but it was a constant fear in the back of her mind.

"He's fine, Mer," Derek said as they turned into the driveway.

---

"How's the baby, George?" Meredith asked the next morning as they checked the OR board.

"Oh, she's doing fantastically," he rubbed his eyes; "Michaella and I however, are not."

"It's hard for the first bit," Meredith said, noting that she had a lesionectomy at ten, and would be assisting Derek in a hemispherectomy at noon.

"I'm just thankful I don't have twins," he rubbed his eyes.

"Dealing with them is just fine now," she smiled sweetly.

George shot her a look that could possibly have killed her… if it wasn't just a look.

"What've we got today?" Derek came around the corner, clipping his pager to his scrub pants.

"You have a hemispherectomy today," Meredith said, getting excited.

"Yes, I know," he said, still surveying the board, "And… there's that woman with epilepsy… do you want to scrub in on that?"

Meredith shrugged, "It's a minor procedure. I've got my own lesionectomy at the same time anyway."

"Ah, ok," he paused, "Are you picking up the kids from the bus today?"

"No, I can't. You know that. That's why you're working shorter hours and I'm doing longer ones."

George set off at a run, answering a 911 page, and Derek sighed, "Yeah, I know that." He turned to face his wife, "Meredith, you're working yourself half to death. Caden asked me this morning why his mummy never walked him to the bus. You don't look happy, and you know it as well as I do. Please, take some time off. Pick your children up from school."

"I'll be finished my fellowship in a matter of months! They'll be fine to wait until then. After my fellowship is finished, I will be able to pick them up from school every single day," Meredith protested.

Derek looked into her eyes, a sad look on his face. He was losing her to work, and he couldn't have that happening. Finally, he made an executive decision that she would probably be very angry with him for, "Meredith," he caught her arm as she turned to leave, "Meredith, I want you to go home today at 2:00. As your boss, I do not feel that you can work safely in your current state."

"I cannot believe you," she hissed, wrenching her arm away from him, "This is not the 1930's; men do NOT have control over their wives. I will go home when I am finished my work."

"You know that I have the power to make it so that you have absolutely no work to do today, right?" he said heavily, "And I'm not exercising control over you as a husband. I'm making a professional decision that will benefit you, your patients, and your family. So Meredith, _go home_."

"You will be sleeping on the couch tonight," Meredith spat at him as she stalked away.

Derek turned and went into his office, putting his head in his hands. He couldn't believe it. He hated that he'd done that to Meredith. But it was plain that she was not healthy. She really was working herself to death. He heard a knock on the door, "Meredith?" he asked, looking up.

The door opened, "Sorry, not Meredith," Addison greeted him, shutting the door behind her.

"What do you want," he said shortly, putting his head back into his hands. Although their professional relationship had been good as of late, Derek was not in the mood for Addison right now.

"I agree with you," she said simply.

"What?" he looked up again.

"I agree with you. Meredith is working herself too hard."

"Who are you and what have you done with Addie?" Derek asked, quite stunned at this admission.

Addison stared at him, a curious expression on her face. He had called her Addie, for the first time since before the divorce. She shook her head to clear it before replying, "You called me Addie. Does this mean we're on speaking terms personally now?"

Too late, Derek realized his admission. He shrugged, "Whatever."

"I was just concerned about Meredith is all," she told him, straightening her back defensively, "and the real reason I came in here was to inform you that I need you for a consult."

"Well you should have just said that then," he stood up, running his hands through his slightly tousled hair. Addison put her hand on the doorknob and paused.

"You did the right thing. You're not exercising control over her as a husband. You're doing what's best to keep the patients in this hospital safe. You just went about it the wrong way," with that she left the room, her heels clacking briskly as she strode off down the hallway.

Derek sighed and followed his ex wife from a distance to the consult.

---

"Can't catch me!" Kamila shouted from the top of the monkey bars to Adam, who was 'it' in their game of tag during the afternoon recess. Tag worked for the eight year olds now in a way it didn't when they were four. He stuck his tongue out at her and began to climb up. She leapt from the top and began to run. She ran straight into Kendra.

"Sorry!" Kamila exclaimed as Kendra picked herself up off the ground.

"Watch out!" Kendra said, beginning to tear up while examining the rock embedded in her palm. To add insult to injury, Adam tagged her as Kamila sidestepped out of his path, "Not fair!" Kendra ran away crying.

"Why isn't she playing anymore?" Melinda asked, running up behind Kamila.

"She got hurt," Kamila said, her face twisting up in concern.

"Oh," there was a pause before Melinda suggested they keep playing anyway.

"Davey's it!" Adam yelled and they scattered.

Across the playground, Desiree was making the most of her slight height advantage over a kindergartener, "I want that swing," she demanded, towering over the five year old.

"Come swing with me over there," Caden tugged on her arm, "She's on this swing."

"I want this one though!" Desiree put her hands on her hips in the most defiant stance the six year old could muster before turning on the kindergartener once again. He slowly slid off the swing, eyes wide. Glaring at him, she sat down, kicking her feet to get going. Caden watched her, a vertical line between his furrowed eyebrows.

"I think that was wrong," he said as he walked away.

---

Meredith shivered in her lightweight jacket as she waited for her children's bus. When she saw the bright yellow vehicle round the corner, she hastily dried the tears from her eyes and brushed her hair out of her face.

"I thought Dad was picking us up," Kamila commented as she gave her mother a hug.

Desiree remained silent as Caden jumped the last step exclaiming, "Mummy! You came!" His excitement brought a genuine smile to her face, and she took his hand and Desiree's to walk down the block with them.

Desiree wrenched her hand out of her mother's; "You don't have to hold my hand," she patronized.

"Desiree, do not speak to me like that."

The dark haired twin remained silent for the rest of the walk home. Kamila on the other hand bubbled with excitement, "We're doing a project, mum!"

"Really? Your first project? What is it about?" she tried to match her daughter's enthusiasm.

"We got to do it on anything we could read in a book. So I took out a book from the library about Beethoven. He's a composer," she said knowledgably.

"Very cool! You should tell your piano teacher."

"I will. I can't wait! When is my piano lesson?"

"Tomorrow after school," Meredith told her, "Your father will take you," she informed her, trying to keep the chill out of her voice at the mention of Derek.

"Ok."

"You have to practice when we get home," Meredith informed her.

"I know," Kamila said brightly. She loved to play.

The sounds of the electric piano filled the house as Meredith sat down at the kitchen table with paperwork while the twins did their math homework.

"Mummy, what's six plus three?" Desiree asked.

"Count on your fingers, baby," Meredith replied without looking up to see her daughter's frown as she wrote down eight as the answer without even checking.

The piano suddenly stopped, and Meredith heard the front door open. 'Time to face the music,' she thought ironically.

"Hey kiddo!" Derek said, giving Kamila a hug. Meredith came around the corner with a look of determination on her face. Derek turned to his daughter, "Will you take Des and Caden upstairs with you? You can teach them how to play go fish."

"They can already play go fish," Kamila rolled her eyes, but went off to collect her siblings anyways.

"So," Derek said, turning to face Meredith. Her jaw was set in a still furious line, and she was radiating anger.

"So let's not have you _ever_ do that again," she said in a low voice, "You undermined me professionally in front of my colleagues, and," her voice dropped even further, "Husbands and wives are supposed to be equals. What happened today; that was not equality. You abused your position in the hospital to keep me in line."

"Meredith, be reasonable," Derek tilted his head, "You needed time off. This had very little to do with us as a family. I know –" he said as she opened her mouth to protest, "I know that I said it was to pick up our children from the bus. I know that I said that. That is first and for most what I care about in this world. But you," he looked into her eyes, "You are not healthy. You are literally working yourself to death. Your health directly affects your job. Meredith, look at yourself in the mirror. You aren't the same person you were during your residency."

Derek took her gently by the shoulders, and she allowed herself to be turned towards the mirror in the front entrance hall. She stared at herself. Maybe she was a bit thinner; maybe the shadows under her eyes were a bit darker, but so what? It was a small price to pay for everything she would gain.

Not to mention, she could not let Derek be right. Not after he humiliated her in front of everyone in that hallway at the hospital.

"Derek," she turned to face him, "I am a grown woman. I can look after myself. You will help me take care of this family until my fellowship is finished and then everything will settle back to normal. Now, I'm going to make dinner," she turned on her heel and went back into the kitchen. Derek followed her, offering to help.

Neither of them noticed the small round face parked between the banisters at the top of the stairs; tears running salty paths down her cheeks.

---

Anger is a strong emotion. It is stronger than love, stronger than anything. You cannot protect anyone from it, no matter how hard you try. In an attempt to save those around you, you could try to bottle it up. But, when the bottle breaks, there will be a devastating explosion. It's important to find an outlet, but more importantly; take the advice of others without undue judgement or criticism.

* * *

Maybelline 


	24. Destruction in the Wake

This is a short chapter because I have a math test tomorrow, and need to study... but I can't get any work done unless I've fed my addiction. Oh... and whoever saw Grey's tonight, was it not awesome?!?!

_FauxPoesFoes _and_ anything.you.want_: It's a good thing that you like a bit of angst... this definitely isn't the end of it, although I may allow them some happiness before I continue with making them suffer... albeit, I do feel badly about it.  
_tayababy_: Yes, I am sure that Desiree and Addison are not related.  
_Meredith and Derek_: The little girl crying was Desiree. Sorry for not making that clear:)  
_Sarah _and _greysaddict4life_: Don't worry... I could never split these two up. I am definitely on the MerDer ship... no worries.

And now for the stuff you actually want to read... enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **Hooray to Shonda who owns Grey's!!! (In otherwords, I don't).

* * *

That night, Meredith crawled into her bed. It felt cold and empty without Derek to wrap his arms around her. She tried to tell herself that she didn't care; he had hurt her professional image earlier. He'd also hurt her pride, but she didn't want to admit that either. After what felt like forever of staring up at the dark ceiling, Meredith got up to get a drink from the bathroom.

She wiped her mouth and looked in the mirror. She was suddenly struck by how old she looked. Since when had she aged so much? She rubbed her eyes, and realized how exhausted she was. The fact that Derek was right hit her like a semi truck, and her stomach dropped about six feet. She knew she had hurt him when she allowed herself to become so angry, and now she would have to apologize for it.

There was no question about it; Meredith knew if she didn't want to end up in the situation that Addison had found herself in – single and still in love with the man you signed divorce papers with – she was going to have to apologize. Taking Derek's advice, she began to think of her family.

Dinner had been quiet; they had all sensed the tension at the table that night. Desiree, who almost always had something to say, was the quietest of all. In a burst of spontaneity, Caden had tried to start a conversation to break the silence. The remarkably perceptible six-year-old knew something was up with his parents, and tried very hard to make it all better again.

Meredith ran a hand through her hair, and decided that she should go downstairs and see Derek before he fell asleep. She caught him just as he was tucking a sheet in. "Hi," she said softly from across the room. She was leaning against the wall beneath the banister and hugging herself.

"Hi," he said, startled by her sudden appearance. He hadn't heard her come down the stairs. After he adjusted to seeing her there, he allowed himself to place up a defensive barrier, wary of why she was down here. But then he noticed she looked so small and upset. At that moment, he decided that if she was going to work herself to death, he was going to make it as easy as possible for her not to; he wasn't going to fight with her about taking time off. And to relieve some stress, he was going to apologize.

"Mer, about earlier, I'm really sorry. You were right: I had no business forcing you to take time off, and –"

"Derek, I was wrong. Everything you said was true: I'm working too hard and my family is suffering. I don't look healthy either. You were just trying to do what was best for me, and I didn't let you. We're supposed to be a team, and that isn't what's happening; not because you aren't doing it right, but because I won't let you. I'm really sorry… please forgive me," she phrased the last like a question, as if she didn't know if Derek would forgive her.

But of course he would. She was the love of his life. She meant the world to him. Seeing her with a single tear rolling down her cheek hurt him inside, and he hated feeling this kind of pain, "Don't worry, Meredith. I promised you remember?"

She nodded her head, and wiped away her tears. "Come here," Derek said, opening his arms just wide enough for her tiny frame. She allowed herself to be enveloped by his strong arms, and let herself cry. She wasn't crying for herself, but for the hurt she'd caused her family.

Derek opened his mouth to comfort her but she shook her head, "Don't talk," and instead he led her to the couch. She remembered a song that she'd heard that morning on the radio while she was driving to work.

_Midnight calls and conversations  
Accidents and accusations  
Messages and misperceptions  
Paralyze my mind_

"It's alright, Meredith," Derek whispered, rubbing her back as she cried.

… _And I come to find  
__A refuge in the  
__  
Easy silence that you make for me  
__It's ok when there's nothing more to say to me  
__In the peaceful quiet you create for me  
__And the way you keep the world at bay for me,  
__The way you keep the world at bay_

Meredith's sobs slowly died away, leaving silence in the room, "Thank you," Meredith said as soon as she could.

"For what?" Derek asked, "Being a decent human being and sticking to my promises?"

"Yeah," Meredith said, "For that."

_Anger plays on every station  
__Answers only make more questions  
__I need something to believe in  
__Breathe in sanctuary in the  
__Easy silence that you make for me_

"There has to be some changes around here," Meredith said softly, "There's so much tension; so much anger."

Derek nodded slowly, knowing that most of the anger was between Meredith and himself, "I agree."

_Children lose their youth too soon  
__Watching war made us immune  
__I've got all the world to lose  
__I just want to hold on to  
__The easy silence that you make for me_

"I'm worried about Desiree," Derek said suddenly.

"What?" Meredith asked.

"Did you not notice how quiet she was at dinner?"

Meredith didn't say anything. She noticed alright. Of course she noticed. Desiree always had something to say; it wasn't always the nicest thing, but she always had something to say. More often than not Meredith or Derek had to chastise her for comments leaning towards the side of meanness.

"Yeah I did."

"We'll talk about it later though," Derek kissed her forehead, "I think we need to get some sleep."

"That's a good idea," Meredith said as she curled up in front of him on the couch.

_The easy silence that you make for me  
__It's ok when there's nothing more to say to me  
__In the peaceful quiet you create for me  
__And the way you keep the world at bay for me. _

---

"Dessi?" Caden whispered.

Desiree sniffed, "yeah?"

"Why are you crying?" Caden asked with bluntness only children can get away with.

"I'm not," Desiree lied, rolling over in her bed.

"Yes you are. Don't be silly."

"Mummy and Daddy were fighting," Desiree admitted.

"Is that why you wouldn't play Go Fish with us?" Caden asked. Desiree nodded, and Caden heard the rustle of her sheets. "Do you want me to come sleep in your bed?" he asked, "Maybe we will sleep good then."

"Ok," Desiree said, scooting over closer to the wall to make space for her brother.

"Dinner time was weird," Caden said simply. He didn't understand the concept of tension yet, and could only define the uncomfortable feeling at dinner as weird.

"Yeah. Even Kammi didn't talk," Desiree agreed. They knew that when their big sister acted weird, something was definitely going on.

"Do you think they will live in different houses if they're fighting?" Desiree asked. Her best friend at school, Kiera, had divorced parents. Desiree understood that parents that fought didn't live together.

Caden's eyes grew wide in the dark, "They could do that?"

Desiree shrugged and kicked her feet against the sheet. "That's what Kiera's parents live in different houses now."

It was Caden's turn to cry, "I don't want Mummy and Daddy to live in different houses!" Desiree began to cry again too, and the brother and sister held each other's hands as they cried themselves to sleep.

---

Meredith knocked gently on the door of the twins' bedroom, "Time to get up," she said quietly as she opened the door. She was greeted with the sight of her two youngest children huddled together in Desiree's bed. Her eyebrows came together as she thought about what could have compelled them to sleep in the same bed. She was spared too much contemplation, as Caden opened his eyes sleepily and got out of bed. Desiree followed moments later.

"Don't live in different houses," Caden whispered, hugging Meredith's legs.

"What?" Meredith asked, suddenly concerned.

"Desiree said that when your Mummy and Daddy fight that they live in different houses."

"Desiree, did you see us fighting?" Meredith asked her daughter, who was twisting the sheets in her hands and looking very distressed.

Her nod was barely noticeable. Meredith picked up Caden, even though he was getting big, and walked over to the bed. She pulled them both onto her lap, "Desiree, what you saw," she was not quite sure, but she made a safe bet that it was her argument with Derek after she told the kids to play upstairs, "was just Mum and Dad having a grown up conversation. We are absolutely not going to live in different houses. You know that we love you, and would never do something like that."

"Promise?" Desiree said grey eyes hardening.

Meredith nodded, "Promise."

---

People say "time heals all wounds". Well, time only makes them worse if they are left covered up and secret for too long. Fresh air, a little medication, and some tender loving care are the only things that can truly heal pain. Also, while feeling a lot of pain may increase your threshold, it does not make you immune. Take care; help others heal and let them help you.

* * *

In case you haven't noticed... I enjoy weaving my favourite songs into the fic. This one was "Easy Silence" by the Dixie Chicks.

Maybelline


	25. Look Back

Sorry for not posting yesterday or the day before, guys! My entire town lost power, and it's been awhile getting internet and whatnot back… too much snow I guess.

_Stace88_: Ah, you totally know that me skiving off on my math homework isn't really a worry… I'm getting a decent mark! I'm glad you've reviewed again! We don't talk often enough.

_greysObsessed, FauxPoesFoes, anything.you.want, _and _tayababy_: the kids sharing a bed scene was one of my favourites to write. I'm so glad you liked it:)

And here's the chapter!

**Disclaimer: **Not mine, this is Shonda's.

* * *

"Mum, why are we getting dressed up?" Desiree asked as she pulled a party dress on over her head.

"I told you already, sweetie, Mum is finished her fellowship and they're throwing a party for her," Meredith said as she helped Caden button up his shirt.

Desiree sighed, and struggled to get her arm through the arm hole, "And we have to go?"

"Yes," Meredith said, even though they didn't have to; she and Derek had decided that they wanted the children there. It was the beginning of a change.

"Am I beautiful now?" Kamila asked, spinning into the room. She had on a cute blue dress with capped sleeves and a swirly skirt that fell to the middle of her shins.

"You're always beautiful," Derek said, tying a black tie with red polka dots around his neck over top of his favourite red shirt.

"You're wearing that tie?" Meredith asked him, grinning.

"Of course! Too much seriousness is never a good idea, is it Des?"

She shook her head, "No… Daddy, do I have to go?" she asked again.

"Of course you do! Mum and Dad want you to, and it'll be lots of fun! There'll be food there too," he winked. Desiree liked to eat.

She contemplated this offer of delectable fare, and finally decided it was to her liking, "Ok."

Caden let out a wheezing cough.

"Cover your mouth," Derek told him.

"Are you ok?" Meredith asked him at the same time. Caden gulped and nodded. Meredith studied him, "Did you take your puffer this morning?" Caden nodded again. "Can you go get the ventalin, Derek? I just want to give him a hit just in case." Derek left the room, Caden by the hand.

"Are we ready to go then?" Meredith asked her girls.

"Um… Mum?" Kamila pointed to her mother's head. Meredith glanced in the mirror, and began to laugh. She still had curlers in her hair.

"Maybe I should go like this! What do you girls think?" she laughed.

"I think you look silly," Desiree informed her.

"Silly? No… I think I look great!" Meredith struck a pose. Kamila and Desiree laughed. Meredith hadn't heard Desiree laugh in a day or two. That was a long time for a six year old. She had an adorable laugh; a cute little giggle that wasn't ear piercingly high. It wasn't heard often enough. Maybe, Meredith thought, it was because she wasn't home often enough to hear it.

Derek came running into the twins' bedroom with Caden on his shoulders. He ducked low to avoid the doorframe and made an airplane noise. Caden was laughing and waving his arms above his head. Derek stopped suddenly, and Caden jerked forwards, grabbing his dad's hair to stay on.

"Not the hair!" Derek said half-jokingly, gently disentangling his son's fists from the perfectly sculpted curls. He looked at Meredith and grinned, "I think you need to fix your hair too, hon."

"Yeah, I'm going, I'm going," Meredith was walking out of the room carefully undoing a curler from her hair.

Derek knelt down with the kids, "Now, remember the surprise we have for Mum?"

"The flowers," Caden whispered seriously, as the girls nodded excitedly.

"That's right. I've got them hidden in my office. Kamila, Preston will take you to find them. Then you'll each get one to give to Mum."

The children all looked very excited. Desiree's excitement died a little when she realized with a frown, "Why does Kamila get to go get the flowers?"

"You can go too," Derek shrugged. He didn't feel like arguing with the little girl.

"Daddy!" Kamila whined, "That was my job!"

Derek shook his head sternly, "You two will not fight about this. I've said what will happen, and that's the end of the discussion." To his surprise, they shut their mouths. He smiled to himself a little as he left the room; he was doing a good job.

"Are we all ready?" Meredith asked, fixing a loose spiral.

"Yes we are," he said, crossing the room to wrap his arms around her waist. She was wearing a smooth, rich purple dress that flared out a tiny bit just below her knees. Low silver heels were strapped onto her feet for accent, and a delicate silver chain glittered at her throat. He couldn't help himself, he thought, leaning down and kissing her.

Meredith felt the promise of more in the kiss, and reached up to run her fingers down his cheek, prickly with the stubble of not having shaved since six that morning. He pulled her closer, running his hands down the back of the smooth dress, feeling the fabric shimmy and pull under the light pressure of his hands. "We should go," Meredith mumbled into his lips, "We can't be late."

"What's wrong with being fashionably late to your own party?" he asked, brushing a strand of hair off her flawless face.

"It's not just my party," she reminded him as she picked up a silver clutch and straightened her dress, "It's for Christina and Izzie too, as well as the other two surgical fellows who've just completed their fellowships."

"It's your party," Derek said with a cheeky grin as Desiree walked into the room, swishing the dress' skirt around.

"I'm hungry," she demanded.

"There will be food there. We're going," Meredith raised her voice to inform her other children that the parent taxi was leaving.

There was a scramble to get down the stairs, and the family was out the door.

---

"You're all here!" Izzie exclaimed. She was wearing the deep pink silk dress she'd worn as Christina's bridesmaid, and looked absolutely stunning.

"Yes we are," Meredith said, letting go of Caden's hand as he ran over to see George, "How does it feel to be a fully qualified cardiothoracic surgeon?" Meredith asked her friend.

"It feels fantastic!" Christina exclaimed, appearing from out of no where with a glass of bubbling champagne in her hand.

"I second that," Izzie said, taking Christina's drink away from her and taking a sip, "Cheers!" she held the flute up in recognition of her fellow… fellows. (A/N: Oh the puns…)

"Would you like something?" Derek asked Meredith quietly, touching her arm.

"Yeah, what they're having please," she smiled as he walked away.

"Kammi!" Melia said, coming over. She was in scrubs because she was working, but had wanted to come by and offer her congratulations to her mentor. She herself was only a year away from completing her fellowship in neurosurgery.

"Melia!" Kamila gave her a hug.

"How are you, girl?"

"I'm good. Mum and Dad said that we could come to the party!" she exclaimed, "and I got to wear a pretty dress," she spun around to show off her dress.

"It _is _a pretty dress," she turned to Meredith, "Do you mind if I steal her for a bit?"

"Just don't go letting her into the gallery with you again!" Meredith teased. When Kamila was sick when she was six, Meredith had brought her into work with her rather than take her to daycare with the twins. She'd thought she only had paperwork to do that day, but then had to scrub in on an emergency surgery. Melia had offered to watch her for awhile, and had taken her into the gallery during Meredith's surgery. Not only did she call out, 'hello!' but she asked questions about knives and blood for an entire week.

"I won't," Melia called over her shoulder, laughing as they left the room.

"Mummy, I'm hungry," Desiree tugged on her hand.

Meredith sighed. Sometimes taking care of her kids was the last thing she wanted to do, but nonetheless she always did, "Let's go get you some food."

Addison saw Meredith and her dark haired daughter walking towards the table of food. She used some broccoli to clean the last bit of dip off her paper plate and tossed it in the trash. "Congratulations and welcome to the fold," Addison said smiling and extending her hand to shake Meredith's. It was hard to believe, looking back, that at one point in time she had looked upon this petite woman as not only far inferior, but the cause of her divorce and an object of hatred.

"Thank you," Meredith said, Desiree tugging on her hand even as she shook Addison's, "Desiree," she added in an undertone to her daughter. "It's an honour." She smiled at the red haired woman, an honest smile. She knew that Addison had finally let go. Their relationship occasionally went beyond the forced civility of their usual conversations, and in those moments, Meredith always knew that they all were happy. There was happiness, a contentment that struck her as amazing. She loved her life, and there was nothing to stop her from enjoying it.

"Would you like some of this?" Meredith asked Desiree pointing at something spread onto a cracker.

"That looks yucky."

"How about these veggies?"

"Ick."

"I thought you were hungry," Meredith said, exasperatedly.

"I am," Desiree demanded.

"Then what do you want?"

Desiree shrugged.

"This is my favourite," Addison said nonchalantly, holding out a mini hot dog rolled up in pastry. Desiree looked at it, looked up at Addison's friendly face, and then looked back at the appetizer before snatching it out and cramming it into her mouth.

"Desiree!" Meredith hissed, "That was very rude!"

"Sorry," she mumbled thickly, swallowing hard.

"It's alright," Addison laughed.

"Meredith!" Izzie called across the room. Meredith looked torn between her friend and daughter.

"It's alright, I'll feed her," Addison told her.

"Thank you," Meredith said, hurrying over to join her friends.

Desiree happily stuffed food into her mouth as Addison handed the bite sized morsels to the hungry child, "mm, this is good."

"Why didn't you eat anything your Mum offered you?" Addison asked the child.

"I dunno," there was a long pause as she continued to eat. "Mum likes Caden best."

"I'm sure she doesn't," Addison said, taking a sip of wine.

"Yes. Caden has asmatha, and he's nicer than me."

"Asthma," Addison corrected automatically, and that's no reason to like him better. I'm sure she doesn't. There's also your dad, he loves you. Both your parents love you."

"Dad likes Kamila best. She's smart and his favourite."

Addison marvelled at this little girl; this girl who had shared her name and shared her pain. Derek loved someone else more. She knelt down to look Desiree Addison in the eye. "Your parents both love you. Don't ever forget that. You might not be the nicest or the smartest; but I'm not either. And you know what? People still love me, and they will still love you. You are very, very special in your own way. You'll find out what it is."

Most of this speech went way over the head of the six year old. She did take one thing out of it though, "I'm special," she said, smiling with a carrot in her mouth.

"Yeah, you are."

There is a reason for everything, and I'm not talking in the sense that everything happens for a reason. I mean that there are no situations in this world that have no explanation. It's the law of cause and effect. If you find yourself questioning why something is as it is, look back on the events that preceded it: I guarantee that you'll find the reason why.

* * *

Maybelline 


	26. Penny For Your Thoughts

Well, the reason for my lack of updates, is because of the circumstances surrounding my computer. First, it was the loss of internet, and then my brother downloaded a virus. How kind of him right? Well, anyway, everything is gone now, from my homework to my fic to my pictures from the last three years. So this chapter is basically an author's note accompanied with a little bit of Addison fluff... because I love her. And the authors note is... IT'S COMING! I PROMISE!

Please enjoy :)

**Disclaimer: **You know the drill... seriously.

* * *

"Addison," Nathaniel said waving his hand in front of her, "Earth to Addison." Addison and Nathaniel were having coffee at the bistro they'd met at years before. Addison hadn't had a long term relationship like this before – except for Derek of course – and she really, really loved this man.

"Sorry, I was just thinking," she apologized.

"Don't be sorry, I was just wondering where you'd gone off to," he said, taking a sip of his coffee, "Penny for your thoughts?"

"I was just thinking about this little girl," Addison told him, "Her name is Desiree. She's the child of two of my co-workers. I delivered her six and a half years ago, actually."

"Yeah?" he said, curious.

"I was thinking about something she said to me last night at that party. She said that she thought her parents loved their other two children more than they loved her. Can you believe that? That someone wouldn't love one of their children as much as the others, and make it obvious enough that the child knows?"

"I think it's inadvertent," Nathaniel mused, setting his coffee on the table, "I don't think that they love her any less than they do the other children. I think that probably, there are certain quirks or needs of the other children that make it easy for the parents to focus more on them. Or its middle child syndrome, more simply put. I can relate to that."

Nathaniel had come from a huge family of six, and he was the fourth child.

"Yeah, that makes sense," Addison nodded, taking a bite of her cheese scone. After a moment, and for a reason unknown to herself, she added, "Her full name is Desiree Addison Shepherd. My ex-husband and his new wife named her after me when I saved her twin."

"That's sweet, Addie," Nathaniel smiled.

"Do you want kids one day?" she asked.

"I don't know," he sighed, "Maybe. It's getting a little late for that though," he took another sip of his coffee.

"True," Addison said thoughtfully. Her pager went off, "I've got to go, I'm sorry."

"No problem," Nathaniel smiled. He understood so well when she had to leave so suddenly. She leaned across the table to give him a quick kiss before hurrying out the door.

* * *

Maybelline 


	27. Success

_shoppingal87 _and_ gawgusstiff_: Don't worry, she only _thinks _that. We know it's not true, but sometimes parents aren't great at being impartial. Hey, they're human.  
_anything.you.want_: I'm hoping that this is what you meant by continuing from right after the chapter... it's only two days after the party. I hope you like!  
_FauxPoesFoes_: What can I say... I was feeling very punny that night. And my alerts aren't working either... I wonder what's up.  
_Lizzie9_: Don't just wait for my updates! Work on your fic! I wait for your updates :) (I think it's fantastic, by the way... anyone who reads this should go read _Lizzie9_'s fic!)  
_tayababy_: Keep sending your positive thought vibes my way, and your hoping might just come true!

I'm going to try and update as much as I can this weekend and try to get ahead. My school is putting on a production, and the next two weeks are crunch time. I'm playing in the pit orchestra, and we're rehearsing with ridiculously long hours. So... long story short: You might not see a lot of updates for the next couple of weeks, but I promise you that I'll have more coming as soon as I have time.

Now, the stuff you actually want to read! Enjoy :)

**Disclaimer: **Grey's Anatomy belongs to the oh so brilliant Shonda Rimes!!! applause

* * *

For the first time in ages, Meredith was walking her children to the bus stop. It was their first day back at school after the Christmas holidays. Desiree was hopping and spinning, an activity her parents rarely saw her indulge in. Cinderella chased her, her pudgy arms and legs were swinging and dancing about, "Bye Mum!!" she called as she boarded the bus after Kamila and Caden. Meredith waved good bye in amazement. There had been literally an overnight change in this child, and Meredith had no clue what had triggered it. She was too happy about it to question it very much though.

She walked back down the street to the house, breathing in the cold January air. A little bit of icy snow crunched beneath her feet, and she smiled to herself. Cinderella no longer pulled on her leash in excitement, as she was getting older, but walked sedately by Meredith's side. She saw Derek getting into the car as she got back to the house.

"Fresh air and time off is good for you, Meredith," he said, stepping back out to give her a hug, "You look gorgeous."

Meredith blushed, "Thanks. I'm just going to put 'Drella in the house and grab my stuff. I'm going to catch a ride with you."

"Sure," he started up the car, and waited for Meredith, who came flying out of the house a moment later, her cheeks flushed. She looked so beautiful and relaxed now that her fellowship was over. There was generally a lighter atmosphere in the Shepherd household, and everyone was thriving on the happiness.

"Let's roll," she said, and off they went to the hospital. After driving for a few minutes in relative silence, Meredith decided to voice something that she'd been thinking about for awhile. "Derek, I think that we need to get the kids doing some sort of physical activity. Kamila is quite healthy, because she doesn't eat hardly any junky food. But I'm worried about Des; she eats so much and doesn't do a lot other than read."

"And a little bit of physical activity wouldn't hurt Caden either. Build up his strength," Derek said pointedly. He had been trying to impress upon his wife for some time that she was too overprotective of him. She knew it, but she was not yet willing to relinquish her hold.

"Yes, him too," she said, brushing off his comment, "I was thinking of asking the kids what they'd most like to do."

"That's the only way they'll enjoy themselves," Derek said, turning into the parking lot.

"Yes, I know," Meredith said as she undid her seatbelt with a click, "That's why we'd ask them what the want."

Derek nodded. He slung his arm around her small shoulders, and she laughed as he kissed her temple. It was great fun, pretending they were still dating.

Once in the hospital, Meredith stepped into her new office, which was right next to Derek's, "I have an office," she said to herself grinning, as she had every day since she'd gotten the office. She dropped her bag into the chair by her desk, and got changed behind the closed blinds. The dark blue scrubs she'd been wearing since the beginning of her fellowship felt special, and she felt special ever since she'd completed it.

There was knock on the door. "Dr. Shepherd," an intern stammered when she opened the door, "you're needed in the ER; we've got a – a nine year old with se – severe head trauma, and she's going to – to need surgery."

"Surgeons don't stammer," Meredith said, reminding herself of Dr. Bailey, "And why didn't you page me?"

"Your pager wasn't turned on yet," the intern said.

"Dammit," Meredith flicked it on, "What's your name?" she asked, shrugging her coat over her shoulders as she strode off down the hall at a quick pace.

"Desiree Christianson," she told her.

"That's my daughter's name," Meredith smiled just before she rounded the corner to the ER. Then she saw the little girl.

The redhead was unconscious on the gurney. She was pale from blood loss. There was blood all over the place, and two ER doctors and some paramedics were working like crazy to keep her from bleeding out. "Good grief," Meredith breathed.

"Alright people," she stepped into action, "prep her for emergency surgery. Get her up to an OR, stat. I'll meet you there. Don't waste time; we've got a life to save!" she turned to Desiree, "Dr. Christianson, I want you in that OR."

The young intern lit up, nodding her head enthusiastically.

It felt weird for Meredith to be in control and as she quickly scrubbed in, she took a deep breath to calm herself down. She put her wedding rings in the front pocket of her scrubs, and walked into the operating room. Dr. Christianson was already there, just finishing shaving off the rest of the girl's matted red hair.

"Are we ready?" she asked, sliding into the sterile gloves the scrub nurse held out for her.

"Yes, Dr. Shepherd," someone said. Meredith positioned herself at the girl's head. "Scalpel," she demanded.

---

"Derek, can I talk to you for a second?" Addison asked when they nearly ran into each other around a corner.

"Sure, what is it?"

"I was just kind of worried about Desiree…" she said hesitantly. Derek looked at her expectantly. She knew this really wasn't her place to be making judgement calls, but remembering the hurt on that little girl's face, she knew she had to go for it, "she thinks that you love Kamila more and that Meredith loves Caden more, and that no one loves her, but I know that's not true." She said this all very quickly.

"Really? She said this to you?" Derek asked, confused.

"Yes, at the party the other night," she said, fingering the watch on her wrist.

Derek sighed, studying the face of his ex-wife. "Thanks," he said finally before continuing on down the hallway.

---

"Excellent job, Kamila," her teacher, Mrs. Robinson, said as she handed back her spelling test. Kamila grinned as she saw the 100 printed neatly at the top of the page.

"What'd you get?" Adam asked, leaning across the isle.

"Twenty out of twenty," she said proudly.

"I got nineteen," Adam said, his face falling slightly when he found out she'd bested him once again.

"That's good, what word did you get wrong?" she asked.

"Mice," he said, "I spelled it M-I-S."

"That's a silly way to spell it," Kamila told him.

"Kamila, Adam," Mrs. Robinson's stern voice came from the front of the class, "I would appreciate it if you would pay attention."

"Sorry," Kamila said, blushing a little bit and facing forward to see that there were math problems written on the board. She dug in her desk for her Maths booklet and immediately began copying them down and set to work.

A few minutes later, she saw Adam pushing a folded piece of paper onto her desk. She opened it up;

'_We ar bestest frends! Smely Mrs. Robinson is dum if she thinks she can mak us not tak.'_

Kamila giggled, writing _'You can't spell,'_ on the back of the note and passing it back before getting back to her work.

She'd been working so hard she almost didn't even hear the bell ring. "Kammi, let's go!" Adam said as he tossed his Math's book into his backpack.

"Oh right!" Kamila carefully placed her own book into her backpack. They caught up with Kendra, Melinda and Davey. "How'd you guys do on the test?" she asked.

Kendra rolled her eyes, "Tests are stupid."

"I got nineteen," Melinda announced.

"I got them all right!" Davey told his friends.

"Me too!" Kamila said happily. She put on her boots and coat in the mudroom, "Are you visiting your dad today, Kendra?" she asked as they walked out the door.

"Yup!" she grinned. The girls liked it when Kendra visited her dad, because his house was just down the street from Kamila's and the girls could take the bus home together.

They slid into a seat together and Kamila heard a familiar voice call for her, "Kammi!" it was Desiree, sitting beside Caden as usual.

"Hello," Kamila waved before turning back to talk to Kendra.

"Ugh, I would hate having little brothers and sisters," she said to her friend. Kendra was the only child of parents who'd divorced when she was quite small. Some of the tension had worn off on her as a baby, and she wasn't always the nicest girl, but Kamila rarely noticed it.

"They're not that bad," Kamila shrugged.

"I'd still hate it."

The bus came to a shuddering halt and Kendra and Kamila got off, followed by Desiree, Caden and a couple of other older students. Kendra walked off down the street by herself, and Kamila wished that she could walk home by herself instead of having her parents picking her up every day.

"Hey, guys!" Meredith smiled as her kids hopped off the bus.

"Hi, Mum," Caden bubbled.

"Ready to go?" she asked

"Yup," the children chorused.

Meredith half listened to Desiree babble about something that she did with Kiera today. Suddenly, when there was a break in the stream of chatter from the usually moody child's mouth, Meredith decided to let the kids know how their lives would change.

"Your dad and I were talking this morning," she began, "and we think that maybe you guys should pick an activity you would all enjoy. Some sort of exercise that you'd have lots of fun doing." When she finished speaking, Caden looked thoughtful, and Kamila looked quite cranky at the prospect of having to do something that didn't involve piano or music. But Desiree jumped at the opportunity.

"Can I have a horse?" she asked.

"No," Meredith said, "But we can put you in riding lessons." She turned to her other children, "What you do you want to do, Kammi?" she was curious as to what the eight year old would pick.

"I don't know," she mumbled.

"Can I be a ninja?" Caden whispered, his eyes wide.

Meredith couldn't control her laughter, "Baby, you could take ju-jitsu lessons if you want."

"Is that like what ninjas do?" he asked, sceptical.

"Very much like what they do," she said seriously.

"Ok," he said contentedly.

Kamila thought about this some more. There wasn't anything in particular that she wanted to do. She wanted to play piano, and that was it. But it did seem like her mother was dead set on having her do some sort of activity, "I guess I could take dance lessons or something," she finally said.

"Only if you really want to," Meredith said to her daughter as they walked into the house.

"Yeah, I do," she told her mum, "Hi Dad!" she called when she saw her father's coat on the coat rack.

"Hi everyone!" he came around the corner with Cinderella at his heels, a paring knife and a potato in hand.

"You're making dinner?" Meredith smiled.

"You betcha," Derek kissed his three ladies, then Caden, and proceeded to turn and head back into the kitchen.

"Go put your stuff away, and bring your homework into the kitchen," Meredith told her children, and they scampered upstairs.

"You're making dinner," Meredith said, sliding her arms around Derek's waist from behind. She pressed her cheek into his back and listened to his heartbeat. He placed the potato he was slicing onto the counter, and turned around to pull her close.

"It's good to have you back."

"It's good to be back," Meredith replied. She relished in the brief, stress free moment for a few seconds before she heard little feet coming down the stairs. Derek kissed her swiftly before turning back to the potatoes. Meredith began slicing apples for a quick snack for the kids.

"Guess what Dad," Caden said, sliding into his chair.

"What?" Derek asked, allowing his son a brief glance.

"I'm going to be a ninja!"

"And I'm going to have a horse," Desiree said happily. Derek shot a horrified look at Meredith.

"I never said she could have a horse," Meredith laughed, putting her hands up as if to surrender, "I said she could have riding lessons."

"Very cool, guys," Derek laughed with Meredith.

"Isn't there a stable a few kilometres away?" Meredith asked Derek after a moment.

"You've lived here longer than I," Derek shrugged.

"I think there is… about fifteen minutes away… on the outskirts of town," she said thoughtfully while she slid the plates of apples to her children. "Do you want to go check it out after dinner?" she asked Desiree. "The horses," she clarified after a moment when she saw the confused look on her daughter's face.

"Ok!" Desiree grinned, wolfing down her apples.

---

"Hello?" Meredith's voice echoed around the huge stable. A nervous Desiree was clutching her jacket behind her.

"Well, hi there!" a petite blonde woman called from the other end of the stable. She stepped out of a stall and patted a tall black horse on the nose, "Can I help you?" she asked with a pleasant smile on her face as she came down the aisle.

"Yes, I'm Meredith Shepherd, and this is my daughter Desiree. She'd like to take riding lessons."

"That's excellent!" She looked down at the chubby dark haired girl and smiled. "I'm Teresa Calhan. This is my stable."

"Hi," Desiree said shyly. She normally wasn't a shy girl, and Meredith smiled down at her when she felt a cold hand slip into hers.

"How old are you, Desiree," she asked kindly.

"Six."

"Whoa, you're old!" she teased, "may I ask why you want to take riding lessons?" she asked.

"Horses are pretty."

Teresa laughed a loud barking laugh that did not suit her small stature. A horse snorted somewhere, "That's wonderful," she said, before turning to Meredith. "We have a program for junior riders aged five to seven. They come twice a week; Tuesday and Friday afternoons for two hours. We teach them how to care for their horses, and they learn the basics of riding. Does that sound like fun?" she asked Desiree.

But Desiree wasn't there.

---

There's something to be said about success, even in its most elementary forms. Success of any sort gives you a sort of high that leaves you happy; perhaps not fulfilled, but happy – if only for a moment. This temporary high is what drives people to succeed. The successful ones aren't necessarily the strong ones, but often the most addicted to their own success. It's ok to become an addict; so long as it does not affect you or those around you negatively.

* * *

Oh don't you love those annoying authors who write cliffhangers?  
Hehe.  
Maybelline 


	28. Fly

I'm glad you all love those annoying cliffhanger writers :D  
_DORKY Giirl_: I'm so glad you like it! Congrats on reading the whole thing :)  
_Lizzie9_: You're welcome, and thank you:P

I'm sorry about the lack of frequent updates, but here it is anyways. Enjoy :)

**Disclaimer: **Not mine; Shonda's.

* * *

"Desiree!" Meredith called, a dangerous warning tone in her voice, "Desiree, come here!"

A dark head peered over a stall door into the aisle. A shaggy pony with an equally dark mane poked its head over her head, "I'm here," she said softly, knowing she was in trouble.

"Ok," Teresa said, "Rule one: you don't ever go into a stall without a grown up," she said, opening the door to let the little girl out. Desiree nodded; her eyes wide.

"Please, can I come back?" Desiree asked.

"Of course you can," Teresa said, her face softening. She turned to Meredith, who was now holding tightly to Desiree's hand, "Come in on Friday and we'll have everything set up for you. There's just one more thing we need to do…" she pointed at the shaggy pony. "His name is Fudge. Would you like to ride him when you come?"

Desiree nodded enthusiastically, her face lit up with excitement. To add to her pleasure, Fudge nickered and tossed his head.

"Let's go," Meredith said giving Desiree's hand a gentle tug, "Thank you, Ms. Calhan."

"That makes me sound old! Please, just Teresa," she said as she turned and walked back down the aisle.

"So, what do you think?" Meredith asked once they were in the car.

"I can't wait! Fudge is so pretty and nice!"

"That's good," Meredith said, "But please, don't ever run off like that again. I was scared. You could have gotten hurt. Horses are big animals that can step on you."

"I know," Desiree whispered, looking at the silver seat belt buckle, "Fudge was just so friendly looking that I had to go say hi."

"Well, next time please just wait."

"Ok."

---

"What've we got?" Derek asked the young paramedic as he and an intern hurried to wheel a patient into the ER.

"Twenty three year old female, head trauma; blunt object to the head. She's stable. I don't think that this is her only injury."

"I can hear you, you know," the woman said, "This is my only injury."

"She's conscious?" Derek asked, shining a mini flashlight in her eyes.

"Apparently," the paramedic shrugged.

"Apparently? That's not a satisfactory answer."

"Well, when we picked her up, she was unconscious," she stammered, "She must have just regained consciousness."

"Thank you," Derek said, giving her an encouraging smile. She was young; it appeared to be among her first emergencies. She gave him a crooked smile in return.

"What can I do?" the intern asked.

"I want a CT scan… do you feel pain anywhere else?" he asked the woman.

"No," she said, a little too quickly. Derek looked at her for a moment and she met his gaze unblinkingly.

"Alright, CT scan. Thank you Dr. Cayne. Page me when you get the results." Derek checked his watch and scanned the ER. He noticed an intern becoming visibly frustrated with the sutures he was performing on a boy's knee.

"Would you like some assistance?" he asked.

"I can't seem… to get it through…" the intern bit his lip, "Oh, got it! No, thank you Dr. Shepherd," he looked up.

"No problem," Derek's pager went off. It was a 911 for his brain tumour patient. He set off at a run.

"What happened?" Derek asked a nurse, flipping through his patient's chart.

"I don't know, he was doing fine and then all of a sudden his BP dropped and his started seizing."

"Push ten milligrams diazepam Dr. Christiansen," he ordered the intern, handing the chart to the nurse to record the orders.

"Diazepam's in," Dr. Christiansen confirmed, "He's still seizing."

"Wait," Derek held up his hand. Sure enough, he stopped seizing after a moment. "Excellent. When's his surgery scheduled?"

The nurse checked the chart, "Next Friday."

Derek sighed. That was a week from now. "See if you can push the surgery to today. Christiansen, if we can push the surgery, I want another CT and an MRI beforehand, just to make sure we didn't miss anything."

"Yes, Dr. Shepherd," she nodded, hurrying out of the room to check the OR.

"Mr. Benzer," Derek addressed the patient who had regained consciousness, "We're going to try and perform your surgery today. You had a seizure, and we're just going to make sure there's been no change."

"Ok," Mr. Benzer said hoarsely.

Dr. Christiansen came around the corner, "The OR's free in an hour," she said breathlessly, "I'll take him for the MRI right now."

"Thank you, Dr. Christiansen," Derek said as he left the room. He rounded the corner to see his wife coming out of the next room, "Meredith!"

"Hi, Derek," she flipped a chart closed and dropped it into the slot. "What've you got today?" she asked as they walked down the hall together.

"Lesionectomy on my brain tumour patient, and I have to remove a malignant tumour that's pressing on the spine of a fourteen year old baseball star."

"That's at least interesting. I've just got a minor aneurysm to clip this afternoon, a consult in Neo-natal, and an intern that's interested in neuro that is late."

"I've got Desiree Christiansen assigned to me today. She's going to be an excellent doctor."

"I have one of the new interns. His name is Nicholas Keenan. And, he's right there," she pointed to a young man leaning against the wall that looked like a football player in scrubs. "Dr. Meredith Shepherd," she held out her hand as Derek walked the other direction.

"Nick Keenan," he took a bite of his apple and ignored her hand. She put her hand into her pocket, sizing him up.

"Well, I've got a consult in Neo-natal. Let's move," she said, drawing herself up to her full, and frankly unimpressive, height.

"Dr. Karev, you asked for a consult?" she greeted her friend when they arrived in the ICU.

He nodded, "She's six weeks premature and won't move her legs. I want you to check her out to rule out possible paralysis."

Meredith sighed, and her eyebrows drew together. She ran a finger down the preemie's cheek. "We need to run some tests. I'd like a CT scan to get a better look at her spine. Keenan, go with Dr. Karev to do this please, I have to go," she said as her pager went off. "Page me when you get the results."

"Aren't I supposed to be learning from you?" Keenan said desperately, "Doing surgery and stuff, not taking care of a baby that's going to die anyways?"

Meredith spun to look at him. This insolent intern reminded her of Alex Karev when they first met. From behind Nick Keenan, he gave Meredith a smirk and a shrug. Meredith tried to control her laughter because she didn't want the young intern to think she was a softie. Instead, she put on her most superior face (earning the silent laughter of Alex) and said "Well in that case, wouldn't you be more useful in the pit? I'm sure they could use an extra hand suturing."

Nick shot her a look that could kill, which she matched. Taken aback, he looked as if he had momentarily learned his lesson. "I'll take her to CT."

"That's right," Meredith lifted her chin and left the room to answer her page.

"Dr. Shepherd," the nurse said when she arrived at the station, "There was a phone call from Seattle West Elementary."

Meredith's heart quickened, "What happened? Do you know why they called? Did they mention any names?"

The nurse looked mildly amused, "They just said to call the school as soon as you got the chance."

"Well I have the chance," Meredith picked up the phone and dialled the number the nurse handed her.

"_Good afternoon, Seattle West Elementary School, how may I help you?_" a bored voice came over the phone.

"Hi, it's Meredith Shepherd calling. I'm the mother of –"

"_Yes I know, Kamila Shepherd. She's got the flu; we need someone to come pick her up_."

Meredith rested her head in her hands and brushed her bangs back, "Alright. Either my husband or I will be down as soon as possible. Thank you."

"_Have a nice day._" The receptionist said just before the line clicked dead.

Meredith strode down the hall to check the OR board. Derek was in surgery and there was an emergency surgery scheduled immediately afterwards for blunt head trauma. She'd have to pick up Kamila. She went to find Nick and Alex.

"Alex, can you take care of my intern for a little while? I have to go pick up Kamila," she offered no explanation to the intern who was busy studying Meredith's face.

"Yeah, no problem. Can you take a look at this first though?" Alex gestured towards the computer.

"What've we got?"

"Looks like a narrow spinal column," Alex circled an area with his finger.

"Yeah… yeah it does." Meredith examined the screen, "I will come in and take another look as soon as I get back. Get a printout please, Keenan."

"Yes, Dr. Shepherd."

---

"Ok, Kamila honey, I know you don't feel good, but I really need to be at work right now. You're going to come with me." Meredith said to her daughter.

"I don't wanna," Kamila whined.

"I'm sorry, baby, but this is how it has to be," she reached into the backseat to rub Kamila's knee. She heard her daughter retch into the plastic bucket on her lap as they pulled into the parking lot.

Meredith helped her daughter out of the car and emptied the plastic bucket in a bush. Kamila raised her arms, asking to be carried, and it broke Meredith's heart. Her daughter was too big now; Meredith was not a large person. She silently took Kamila's arms instead and they walked towards the hospital, tears silently running down the eight year old's cheeks.

"Are you busy?" Meredith asked Melia. She was in the midst of her fellowship, so of course she was busy, but –

"Nope! Hey Kammi!" she grinned. The usually happy little girl did not smile, but her chin quivered and she began to cry again.

"She's got the flu," Meredith explained, "And I've got surgery. I've given her some acetaminophen, so her fever should come down. I'll be back as soon as I can. Thank you so much, Melia!" Meredith took off before her friend had the chance to protest. "I'll see you later, baby!" she called over her shoulder.

"Do you want to go for a walk?" Melia asked her charge.

"No," she mumbled into her sweater sleeve.

"Well, let's go find you a bed somewhere."

"Can we go for a walk?" she asked, some of the familiar sparkle coming into her eyes.

Melia smiled, "Let's go."

---

"Excellent job, people," Derek said as he dropped the pickups in the tray. He looked up into the gallery, and was shocked by who he saw. Melia was sitting with her arm around a flushed Kamila. "I have – I have something I have to do." He stalked out of the OR, first anger, then frustration and finally anxiety washing over him in pounding waves.

"What is she doing here?" he asked Melia through clenched teeth a couple of minutes later.

"Meredith picked her up from school, and I'm taking care of her until Meredith gets out of surgery. She has a fever."

Derek rested a hand on his daughter's forehead. "She's burning up! Has she had anything?" this was rapidly bringing back painful memories. This couldn't happen again, not to his pianist, not to his baby girl.

"Meredith said she gave her acetaminophen, but I don't think it's working," Melia said biting her lip.

"Well, you're a surgeon. Please, go fix her. I want her on an IV immediately," Derek ordered, his heart beating faster every second.

"Yes, Dr. Shepherd," Melia said, taking Kamila's hand and leading her to the pit to insert an IV. Fear filled the eight year old's eyes as she looked back at her father and began to cry.

---

"Derek, I need to go and pick up Desiree and Caden from school. Desiree has her first day of riding lessons, and Caden's going to have to come with me," she and Derek hugged, and he kissed her temple. "She's going to be ok, right?"

"I was hoping you'd assure me," he said quietly, the stress showing in his voice.

"I'll see you at home," she pulled away.

"Yeah, at home…" he sighed as he watched her walk down the hallway, and finally turned to check the post-op labs of his baseball player.

---

"This is Fudge, Caden! He's going to be my pony."

"He's going to be the pony you _ride_," Meredith stressed.

"Yes, that," Desiree said happily, patting him on the nose. Caden clung to his mother's hand, unsure of whether or not the huge animal was safe to approach.

"Come pet him," she ordered. Caden took a hesitant step forward.

"Alright!" the unexpectedly loud voice of Teresa saved Caden from having to face his fear, "Let's get him saddled up!"

Fifteen minutes later, Desiree and four other children were sitting astride their ponies in indoor ring. "And, we're sitting up straight, good. Now we're going to walk in a circle around the ring. Tap your heels lightly against your horse's sides to get him going."

Meredith smiled as Desiree kicked a bored looking Fudge carefully against his sides. One by one, the other four children and their horses walked by her. Her face began to screw up in frustration. She finally reached back and slapped his rump with the palm of her chubby hand.

"Ahh!" she yelled as Fudge took off like a rocket, his eyes rolled back into his head. Meredith stood up and Caden gripped her hand, but after a moment, she realized that Desiree had taken a deep seat, gripping tightly with her short legs and pulling desperately on the reins. The fear and shock had gone out of her face as she fought to control the horse by instinct.

Finally, Fudge stopped his gallop and slowed to a hesitant trot. Teresa cantered up and grasped Fudge's reins. "Good job, Desiree!" she praised the little girl, "you handled him well."

She grinned in response. That had been so cool.

---

Find what makes you fly.

* * *

Maybelline


	29. By Your Side

Well, frankly, I'm surprised I've managed to post this at all. I don't remember the last time I had free time. I even missed Grey's on Thursday:( If anyone has the link for a .torrent file, it would be much appreciated. Thanks for all of you who are sticking with me! Anyway, hope you enjoy :) you might get another chapter next weekend.

_anything.you.want_: Yeah, Derek was a bit of an ass... but he's a scared daddy!  
_FauxPoesFoes_: Desiree is a bit of a wild child...  
_ajikan321_: Caden's hair is the same colour as Meredith's. (in the first season... light brown or dark blonde... I can't really decide what the difference is.)

**Disclaimer**: Not mine.

* * *

"Are you ok, baby?" Derek asked, gently pressing a hand to his daughter's forehead. Her fever had gone down; she felt a normal temperature. The IV meds had done their job earlier that day.

"Yeah, I'm fine, Daddy," she said sleepily, rolling over to face him.

"That's good," he said, leaving the glass of water on the table. Cinderella jumped up onto the bed, and rested her nose on Desiree's hand. Derek smiled as she lifted a slender hand to scratch her ears. He slowly left the room, leaving the door open only a crack.

He ran a hand through his hair, trying desperately to forget what had happened when Kamila was a baby. He slid down the wall outside his daughter's room and rested his head in his hands. After a moment, he realized that the object of his distress was nothing more than the flu. The flu that infected people every day, and generally wasn't life threatening. He also realized that didn't change anything at all.

Meredith came out of the twins' room and sat down beside him. "I'm sure there are more comfortable places in this house to sit than on the hardwood floor."

"Yeah, I'm sure there are," he sighed.

"You can't forget," Meredith said, fingering her wedding ring. Derek grasped her hand.

"You're right, I can't forget," he said.

"Well you don't have to, you know. Just try to remember that the two incidents are entirely unrelated."

"How can you not be scared?" he asked as he shifted towards her.

"I am more scared than I'm letting on. This is her first sickness since her surgery, beyond a sore throat or some sniffles. I'm scared. I didn't want to leave her after I picked her up from school, but I had to save someone's life. She's going to be fine, I have to at least pretend to believe that, because when I do pretend, eventually it sort of becomes real, you know?" she turned to look at her husband.

"Yeah, you're right. I know you're right. I just can't deal with this."

"Yes you can. We can. She's fine; the meds that Melia gave her worked wonders."

"She doesn't have a fever anymore," Derek said, heaving himself up off the floor and heading towards their bedroom. Meredith smiled and followed suit.

"That's good."

---

"If I were you, I wouldn't do that," Meredith said when she caught Nicholas trying desperately to take one of her neuro patient's chart from another intern.

"I was just checking it out." He shrugged nonchalantly, and prayed Meredith didn't notice that his ears were burning.

"I stole charts when I was an intern," Meredith told him with a sly grin as they walked down the hallway, "I was just far better at doing it away from the prying eyes of those who can make my life miserable."

He opened his mouth, and was still slightly speechless when they walked into the neonatal ICU. "How is she?" Meredith asked.

"A bit better. No change with her leg though."

"Well it doesn't look like she'll ever have control of that leg. The CT showed abnormal cell growth in the left of the frontal lobe... I want to get the mass out, but I really don't want to operate on her this young," Meredith bit her lip. "It's possible to biopsy the mass without doing damage?" she wanted to make sure.

Alex nodded, "No more damage than it would anyone else."

Meredith's pager went off. "Alright, Dr. Keenan, Dr. Karev will help you perform a biopsy on this baby. Come find me when the results come in. If it's benign, I don't want to operate yet."

Nick's face softened when she turned around. Meredith saw him watching her out of the corner of her eye, and paused, but her pager went off again and she left the room as fast as she could.

She stopped for a moment when she shut the door and leaned against it. Addison came around the corner and noticed Meredith looking slightly flustered. "Are you ok, Meredith?" she asked trying not to sound concerned.

"What? Oh, um, yeah, I was just going to – to answer this page," she gestured towards the pager and took off down the hall. Addison shook her head in confusion, and entered the neonatal ICU.

"What are you doing with her?" Addison asked Alex and his intern as she checked the chart of her own infant. She sighed as she saw that his stats were dropping due to the small left chamber of his heart.

"I'm going to show Dr. Keenan here how to do a brain biopsy on an infant. Meredith wants to find out of the mass of cells is benign or not. She doesn't want to operate on her this young."

"Well, she knows what she's doing," Addison sighed. She suddenly looked up, listening to her infant's heart monitor. It was slowing down. "Dammit, he's crashing," she dropped the chart and Dr. Keenan was immediately at her side, preparing the IV. The infant's heart stopped. "Push two of epi," she ordered.

They watched with bated breath. Finally, there was a 'beep… beep' coming from the monitor, and they all let out a sigh of relief. "That was intense," Nick breathed.

"Yeah, well, it's not like you've never seen a code blue before," Alex commented. Nick looked slightly embarrassed. "Go, prep her for the biopsy."

Addison watched them leave and sank into her chair. As she wrote on the chart, she thought about Meredith. She'd seen the flustered face before; every time she and Derek came out of the on call room together, trying to be inconspicuous. She sighed and hoped for the sake of her friends' marriage that nothing fishy was going on.

---

"Dr. Keenan," Meredith came around the corner and saw him standing beside her office door, "Are the results in?"

Nick turned around suddenly and without a word, pressed Meredith against the wall, his mouth hard on hers. Meredith squirmed and pushed him away with her hands on his chest, "What the hell do you think you're doing?!" she hissed as he hit the wall. "I'm _married." _Meredith heard a door open and both she and Nick whipped their heads around to look at the newcomer.

"What's going on?" Derek asked, shutting the door to his office, a chart in his hand.

"Nothing," Nick said, rubbing the back of his neck.

"What's going on, Meredith?" he asked again.

"Keenan, go get the lab results," Meredith ordered, fire in her eyes. "Derek, let's talk over here," she took his arm and led him into her own office."

"What did he do?" Derek asked.

"He kissed me," she said, simply. She waited for her husband's reaction. It came with a fury.

"HE _WHAT_?!" he exploded, turning towards the door to go after the intern.

"Don't, please, Derek, don't," Meredith sighed, grabbing his arm.

"Tell me you didn't like it," his eyebrows were pulling together, memories of Mark and Addison flooding back, "_tell me_."

She looked into his gorgeous eyes, and quickly managed to reassure him, "No, I didn't. That's why I pushed him away. The sound you heard, that was him hitting the wall after I pushed him. Derek, he's just a cocky kid."

He stared at her, and saw nothing but the truth in her face. He took her into his arms and exhaled heavily, so relieved that she was still his. He was going to have to do something about the intern though.

---

"Dr. Carry," Derek greeted the resident with a smile, "Is Nicholas Keenan your intern?"

"Yes, he is," the stout man said, leaning against the counter at the nurses' station, "Why do you ask?"

"Well, I know he's assigned to Meredith to study neuro, and I was just wondering if I could take him under my wing myself. You know, I've had a lot more experience than her and therefore I have a lot more to teach. Plus, I would really like an intern that is interested in neuro helping with my paralysis case."

"I don't see why I can't assign him to you, so long as the other Dr. Shepherd doesn't mind."

"Excellent. Good day, Dr. Carry."

"Dr. Shepherd," he nodded at Dr. Shepherd's retreating back.

---

Derek arrived home that night to the sound of easy Bach and the aroma of a roast in the oven. Desiree hit him in the knees with a hug, and Caden proudly showed him a drawing that he'd done in school. "Hi, Der," Meredith called from in the kitchen.

"Dr. Keenan's on my service now," Derek hung up his coat and let his bag rest at the foot of the stairs.

Meredith's head came around the corner, "Why?"

"I spoke to his resident, and we came to the agreement that he'd do better under my service."

Meredith's face set into an annoyed expression, "He'd learn more with you than with me," she verified, crossing her arms.

"That's what his resident thinks. I, on the other hand, think that perhaps he'd be able to… focus more under my service," he told her a little smirk on his face.

Meredith couldn't let herself be mad anymore. She began to laugh. Desiree and Caden stared at her. Derek began to laugh too. Before long Meredith and Derek were both bent double, laughing so hard they couldn't breathe. A timer went off in the kitchen and Meredith stumbled into the kitchen to save dinner, gasping, "Thank you!"

---

"What are you doing after school today?" Kiera asked Desiree as they pulled their coats on.

"To the stables; I'm getting a new horse today. They're bringing her down from Kamloops, in Canada," she was so excited. Since she began riding horses five years ago, she'd ridden horses belonging to the stable. Now that she was older, her parents decided it was time for her to get her own horse, and this new horse was her birthday present. She was twelve as of last week.

"That's so cool!" Kiera exclaimed as they separated to get on their respective buses, "You have to tell me about it tomorrow!"

"For sure!" she climbed on the bus. Caden sat down beside her after a moment. He pushed his glasses up his nose and pulled his sketch book out of his backpack. "You're coming with me?" Desiree asked him.

"Duh," he never looked up from his drawing of the ninjas.

Desiree smiled. She could always count on her brother to stick by her side; being a pain in the neck the entire time. As she saw the bus pull away, she saw her sister talking animatedly with Adam. They were inseparable; best friends. They were almost as close as Desiree and Caden were, and that really said something.

Kamila brushed her long curly hair behind her shoulders. It fell to the middle of her back in perfect blond ringlets, "Do you want to come over to work on the science with me?" she asked her friend.

"Yeah, sure," Adam said, bending down to tie his shoe, "Do you have the textbook? Cause I didn't bring mine home with me."

Kamila rolled her eyes, "Do you ever do your homework?"

"No," he shrugged. They laughed together before getting onto the bus.

"So have, uh, have you talked to Kendra lately?" Adam asked, leaning against the window.

"Well, we do sit beside each other in French," Kamila raised her eyebrows.

"How is she? What with her dad getting remarried and all."

"She's angry. You can't exactly expect anything else from Kendra."

"Yeah I guess not." They segued into a conversation about something funny their teacher had done in science that day that left them both hysterical with laughter when they got off the bus. The house was empty when Kamila let herself in with the key she'd been given when she turned twelve almost two years ago.

"Where're the twins?"

"Desiree got a horse for her birthday last week. Caden's probably gone down to the stable with her."

"Oh," Adam opened the refrigerator and began digging around for the excellent yogurt the Shepherds always had.

"Can you grab me one too?" Kamila spread her books out onto the kitchen table.

"Yeah," Adam slid a raspberry one onto the table with a spoon for her. Raspberry was Kamila's favourite. She caught his eye with a smile, and there was a pause before she said thank you where they just stared at each other.

---

Find those who will stick with you. They might be family, and they might be people you've chosen as family. They may even be friends that feel like your family. But those people are the ones that will be with you no matter what, and no matter what may come between you, everything will work out for the best.


	30. Immerse Yourself

_Meredith and Derek, Paris-Alaiheide, _and _FauxPoesFoes_: Yes, I have aged them again... it's mid June, and the twins have just turned twelve. Kamila is still thirteen.  
_anything.you.want_: The twins are actually based on a real set of twins I know that have completely opposite personalities and interests, but unfortunately aren't very close... so I decided to change that part by making these two very close!  
Thank you to everyone for your reviews! They are what spur me to write in any free time I manage to scrape these days.

Here's the next chapter! This one's for all my reviewers :) Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **See previous.

* * *

"Hi, Mrs. and Miss. Powell," Addison shook the hand of first the young girl and then her mother, "I'm Dr. Addison Montgomery, and I'll be performing your caesarean section this afternoon."

The girl blinked slowly and turned her head to look out the window, her hand on her swollen stomach. Her thick black hair was spread out on the pillow and was a sharp contrast to her porcelain skin, and she looked tiny under her huge stomach.

The girl's mother forced a smile. "Thank you," she said quietly.

"Do you have any questions, Miss. Powell?" she asked the girl carefully, "Ella?"

"No," her voice was cold.

"Alright then, if you have any questions at all, feel free to ask one of the nurses to page me." The mother of the fourteen year old forced another smile as Addison left the room. She was leaning against the nurses' station when Mrs. Powell shut the door quietly behind herself. Addison looked up, "Can I help you?"

"Look, I don't know if you know, but we won't be keeping the baby; she's going up for adoption. Ella is only fourteen, and I want her to be able to live life before she has to be a mother. I just… I would like it if Ella didn't get to see the baby after she's born. So that she doesn't get attached. You know; the love at first sight thing…" she trailed away.

Addison nodded and swallowed before she would answer, "I understand, and I will do my best."

"Thank you," Mrs. Powell turned to go back into her daughter's room.

"If you don't mind my asking… why did you and Ella choose to have the baby in the first place?" Addison asked suddenly.

"I didn't notice she was pregnant until two months ago," Mrs. Powell whispered. She looked so ashamed of herself.

"You're not a bad mother," Addison read her thoughts, "I've seen this sort of thing before; pregnancy doesn't show on young girls like it does in adults. It's easy to hide with bulky sweaters and jog pants. This isn't your fault."

"I have to go," Mrs. Powell said, and hurriedly went back to her daughter's room. Addison sighed and let her go. She hated these cases. Babies having babies; it just wasn't right.

"Good morning, Addison," Derek greeted her.

"Morning," Addison said dully.

"You ok?" he asked, a concerned expression crossing his handsome features.

"Yeah," she ran a hand through her hair, "I've just got this fourteen year old girl… and she's having a baby. She's not keeping it either. It's probably best for the baby though."

"Yeah," Derek said softly. He knew how much these types of cases hurt her. She smiled sadly. Derek's pager went off, "I'll see you later," he said, giving Addison a nod.

---

"Can you pass me my bridle?" Desiree asked Caden. He reached over to grab the weathered brown bridle that belonged to the stable. "No, the green one please," Caden and Kamila had pitched in to get the new bridle for her for her birthday.

"So what are you going to name her?" he asked, looking up to sketch the outline of the beautiful mare's head, "You've had her for a week now."

"Yeah, I know," Desiree said, gently coaxing the bit into her horse's mouth, "I just have to pick the right name. She is going to be mine for a long time, and if I choose the wrong name… well it just won't work," she declared.

"Can you hold her still for two seconds?" Caden asked, the scratch-scratch of his pencil pausing momentarily.

Desiree put her hands on her hips, "Just two seconds. I have to start warming her up before Teresa gets here. We're going to introduce her to jumps today. Just little ones," the new mare was very young, and had never been jumped before.

"Yep," Caden's tongue was poking out of his lips. He held up the sketch pad, "Do her ears look crooked to you?"

Desiree rolled her eyes, "It isn't crooked, Cade, it's never crooked."

---

"Addison, are you ok?" Meredith asked when she saw Addison leaning against the door of the nursery, her head in her hands. She looked up and Meredith was shocked to see her usually perfect makeup in tear tracks down her cheeks.

Addison tilted her head. It had been more than fifteen years since she'd found out about Meredith Grey. It had been more than ten since she'd hated Meredith. She shrugged, it couldn't hurt to tell her, "I delivered a baby today, through caesarean section. The mother was a fourteen year old girl. She wasn't allowed to see her baby because her mother requested it. I went to speak with the mother just now, and the room was empty. I checked with the intern that was on discharge, and she said there wasn't anyone who'd checked out in the last three hours. They just took off. I hate to think of the pain that girl must be in. I think it was the mother's idea too…" she put her head back into her hands.

Meredith put a hesitant hand on her shoulder, "At least the baby is ok," she said in an attempt to make Addison feel better.

"Yeah, she is," Addison smiled sadly, "She's beautiful. I can't bear to think of her going in and out of foster homes for the rest of her life," they stood in silence outside the door, and a light bulb went off in Addison's head. "I've got an idea, I'll see you later."

Meredith watched her hurry off in a storm of clackity-clacks and shook her head, confused. She turned and walked the other direction, to prepare for her craniotomy.

---

"What's Kendra's favourite colour?" asked Adam asked Kamila as they browsed a flower shop. Adam was planning on asking Kendra to see a movie, and he wanted to get a flower for her.

Kamila shrugged, "I can't remember. Purple, maybe?" she was in a bad mood, and she didn't really know why. But she thought Kendra and Adam were a bad match for each other.

"Yeah, purple seems right," he said, selecting a long stemmed carnation that had been dyed purple, "Ok, let's go."

"Let's," Kamila sighed, uncrossing her arms from her chest and following Adam to the counter.

"Who's the lucky lady?" the older woman at the front desk asked Adam. Kamila turned away slightly and fingered the petals on a giant sunflower beside the till.

"This girl that I've known forever," he said, handing over two dollars.

"She's a lucky one," the lady said, wrapping the carnation for him.

Kamila snorted. Adam looked at her, "What is _wrong_ with you?" he exclaimed, snatching the carnation from the counter and storming out of the florists shop. Kamila stood there dumbfounded.

"I'm guessing you should go after him, sweetie," the old lady said with a sly smile on her face.

"Whatever," Kamila said, but followed Adam anyway. When she finally caught up to him a half a block later, he ignored her.

"Adam, please look at me," she begged. He ignored her. She grabbed his arm, to stop him.

"What?!" he yelled, "What do you want? You say that you think it's great that I'm asking Kendra out, but now you're being all distant and in a bad mood, and you won't tell me why! What is wrong with you?!" he asked for the second time that day.

Kamila stopped, unsure of how to answer the question, "I, um," she fought for the power of speech to return to her, "Never mind, I'm just having a bad day," she mumbled. She looked at her watch, "I have to go, I said I'd meet Aunt Izzie at the mall five minutes ago. Have fun tonight," she said, trying to keep the bitterness out of her voice

"Thanks," he said sceptically, and watched her walk away, her long ponytail bouncing against her backpack as she walked.

Kamila had no idea what was wrong with her, why she was in such a bad mood today. What about Adam and Kendra did she have to be so annoyed about? They were both her friends; she should be happy for them. But she wasn't.

"Hey, Kammi," Izzie greeted her, ignoring the fact that she was late, "You ok? You look angry."

"Yeah, I'm fine," she shifted the weight of her backpack, "Can we go now? I have a bunch of homework tonight."

"Yeah, sure we can. Do you want to go get some ice cream first?" she asked.

Finally, Kamila smiled, "That would be great."

---

"That is excellent work, Desiree!" Teresa encouraged her after she'd just coaxed her mare into jumping over a four inch pole, "You're making great progress with her! I'm surprised we even got her to go over a raised pole today."

"Yeah, she's amazing," Desiree leaned over to pat her horse on the neck.

"Does she have a name yet?"

"Caden asked me earlier. At the moment, no… it's still a tossup between Mackenzie and Cleopatra."

"Those are good strong names," Teresa said. She personally thought Cleopatra suited the elegant young mare better than Mackenzie did, but it was up to Desiree.

"Cleopatra," Caden said without looking up from his sketch. He used his thumb to gently blend a shadow to define the muscles on his drawing of Desiree's horse.

"You think?" she clicked her tongue for her horse to walk over to where Caden was sitting.

"Yeah," he said, flipping his sketchbook around for her to look at the picture. He'd written Cleopatra in stylized letters along the bottom edge. Desiree smiled.

"That's a great picture," she said, "Can I put it up outside her stall?"

Caden grinned, "That's why I drew it."

"Cleopatra it is," she laughed, turning the elegant mare to face the next jump.

---

Kamila lay in her bed, alone in her room listening to her iPod. She sang quietly to the song that filled her head as she stared up at the ceiling.

_I took a walk around the world to ease my troubled mind  
I left my body lying somewhere in the sands of time  
…dark side of the moon,  
It seems there's nothing I can do. _

She sighed, and called for the aging Cinderella. The old, arthritic dog ambled stiffly into her room and carefully lay down beside her bed. Kamila scratched her ears. "Adam's being stupid," she informed her dog.

Cinderella sighed, and blinked up at the pretty young girl through clouded eyes. "I know, you don't really care," Kamila gave a half smiled, looked down at her friend, "But he's being stupid. He's thinking that I'm being stupid, but it's really him. He's dating _Kendra_, and I'm happy for him," she spat out the last bit. "Ok, I'm not happy for him. But I don't know why. I hate boys," she whined.

Cinderella's ears perked up as she heard the door open downstairs. Desiree's voice filled the house, and there was the rustle of grocery bags. Cinderella heaved herself off the ground and dragged her body down the stairs. "Are you home, Kammi?" Meredith's voice penetrated Kamila's sanctuary.

Kamila sighed, and switched off her iPod, laying it down on her nightstand. "Yeah, I'm here," she went downstairs. Her mum looked exhausted, but still smiled up at her. Caden and Desiree took some grocery bags into the kitchen.

"How are you, Kam?" she asked as she hung up her coat.

Kamila shrugged, "Fine."

"Don't you use the f-word with me," Meredith said, raising her eyebrows.

"I didn't!" Kamila exclaimed, "I said fine!"

"Yes, that's exactly what I'm talking about," Meredith informed her daughter, "Fine. I learned years ago that fine – the f-word – never means 'fine'. It means 'I'm faking it and don't want to tell anyone what's really going on.' So, what's going on that's making you so 'fine?'"

"Adam's just being dumb," Kamila said, "It's nothing out of the ordinary." She forced a smile to try and make it believable. "It'll blow over in a day or two."

"Well I'm glad that's it," Meredith said sceptically, not wanting to push her daughter.

"Yup, that's it. I'm going to go play the piano."

"Kammi, why do you have to wait until everyone comes home to play?" Meredith complained.

"Because, this is when I'm ready to play. I was doing homework before," she lied.

"Well, play quietly," Meredith said, "I've got a headache; I had a complex craniotomy today. The twins are going to help me with dinner so I can relax once it's in the oven."

"Fine," Kamila rolled her eyes. She sat down and prepared to play her favourite Beethoven sonata. She was going to play it in the upcoming music competition. She placed her fingers gently on the correct keys for the first notes, and shut her eyes. She knew it off by heart, and always played best when she couldn't see her fingers on the fake ivory.

Sound filled the room; soulful and deliberate. One of Beethoven's later works, it was darker than many of his earlier, more playful melodies. She allowed herself to be immersed in the rich tones she was creating.

Meredith came and leaned against the doorframe as she usually did, watching her daughter's fingers dance and listening to the melody weaving with the full chords. Kamila played by feel, and was so totally focused on the music that she was always oblivious to her mother's presence.

It was amazing to think that she and Derek had created this beautiful, musical girl. She let the music wash over her, and she smiled.

---

Immerse yourself in living. Live in the moment; take time to smell the flowers; whatever it is that works for you. Love life, and love what you do.

* * *

Maybelline 


	31. And It All Comes Crashing Down

First, I'd like to thank you all for your patience as I became increasingly less consistant with my posting... but, now my schedule is relatively clear, so hopefully I can go back to the chapter a day thing. Cross your fingers, and ENJOY!  
_anything.you.want_: Hehe, Kamila does love Adam... unfortunately, there's not a lot of the twins in this chapter, but I hope you like it anyway!  
_FauxPoesFoes_: All I can say to your comment about Addison is "read on..."  
_DORKY GiiiRL_: I love that song! And I'm so glad you love my fic :)  
_And to all of my other lovely reviewers..._ I'm so glad you like it! I want to hug you all, you're wonderful.

**Disclaimer: **Grey's Anatomy belongs to Shonda Rimes, not me. Duh!

* * *

"It's sickening," Kamila informed Melinda at lunch on the last day of school. They were sitting on the concrete wall beside the front of the school watching Kendra pop the bubbles Adam was blowing from his bright pink bubblegum by placing her mouth on the bubble.

"What's sickening?" Davey asked, coming up behind them and vaulting onto the wall. He crammed a sandwich into his mouth.

"The two lovebirds at 3:00," Melinda filled him in, "they're twitterpated."

"And it's disgusting," Kamila took a vicious bite of her carrot stick which snapped with a satisfying crunch.

Davey, who wasn't really a Davey anymore, grinned, showing his unusually white teeth. Both his parents were dentists, so it really wasn't surprising. "And that's what's got you all worked up, Kam?" he teased, tugging on a springy curl.

"Dave!" she whined, swatting his hand away, "it doesn't matter that it's them, it's that they're doing _that_ in public!" she exclaimed. Melinda and Dave shared a sceptical look.

Caden and his best friend Ryan walked by at that moment. Caden hesitated for a second, seeing how annoyed his sister looked. "Um, Kammi, did Mum and Dad say they were coming to the ceremony?" he asked.

"Yeah," Kamila said, "but you know them. I guarantee you one will have an emergency surgery to perform and will have to miss it." Kamila knew she wasn't being fair, but she didn't care. She was annoyed with Adam and Kendra.

"I have a feeling they'll both be here," Caden said confidently before continuing on with Ryan. The bell rang to signal the end of lunch. Adam and Kendra walked over the group. They were holding hands.

Adam opened his mouth to speak. Kamila abruptly cut him off before hurrying inside, "I've got to ask Mr. Johnson something before class starts."

"What's with her?" Adam asked Melinda quietly as they made towards their lockers.

"I don't know," Melinda responded quite truthfully. She didn't actually _know_ why her friend was behaving rather strangely. She only had her suspicions.

---

"So, Dr. McDreamy," Meredith said with a coy smile as she sidled up behind her husband. Derek immediately stopped paying attention to the OR board and turned to face his wife.

"I haven't heard that for a long time, Dirty Mistress," he teased.

"I haven't been the dirty mistress for almost fifteen years," Meredith put her hands on her hips. She remembered why she was here and changed the subject rather regretfully, "We'd better get going if we're going to make it in time for the ceremony."

"Oh right!" Derek exclaimed, "It's after noon! I'll just grab my stuff and I'll meet you at the front."

Meredith playfully turned her shoulder so that she was almost looking behind herself to see Derek and he gave her his McDreamy smile before she grinned, "See you in a bit, Der."

"Oh, I like McDreamy just fine," he said laughing.

Meredith laughed too and took off down the hallway. It surprised her sometimes that even after eight years of marriage and more than six years of loving each other prior to their wedding, they still would flirt and behave like love struck teenagers.

---

Applause filled the gymnasium as Caden walked up to where the principal was standing holding the small trophy. He grinned shyly at his peers when he shook the principal's hand. Meredith crouched at the front taking his picture with the "Outstanding Grade Six Student" award.

It was a big day for him; he wasn't often in the spotlight. Desiree was loud and becoming quite pretty. She easily won the attention of the people that she surrounded herself with. And Kamila; she was a very talented pianist that was always being praised for her skills. So, for Caden to be able to take a big award and be in the spotlight: this was very rare, and very special.

"How'd we make such a smart child?" Meredith asked quietly, sitting back down with Derek. She was so proud of her children: all three of them had gotten on the honour roll. Desiree had taken an award in Social Studies, and Kamila one in both English and French. Along with his Outstanding Student Award, Caden had cleaned up with Math, Science, and Art awards.

Derek clasped her hand in his, "Well, with a father like the one he's got, how could he not be smart?" Derek joked under his breath.

"Oh, you!" Meredith hit him playfully on the arm, "You know full well that I'm just as smart as you are."

"Doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure that one out," Derek said, trying to keep a straight face.

Nadia, Adam's mother, was sitting beside them and chuckling quietly at their funny banter. "Do you two ever take anything seriously?" she asked as everyone clapped for the Outstanding Grade Seven Student.

Meredith laughed again, "Not often, I don't think," she smiled up at her husband.

"Not even in the OR," Derek agreed, "The other day while we were operating on a paralysed car crash victim – who can walk now, by the way – this woman here was talking about this man she saw driving to work this morning. Apparently, he was jumping with two feet onto all of the lines in crosswalks," he shook his head and poked fun at her intelligence again, "Small things, Mer."

The Outstanding Grade Eight Student was awarded her trophy. To Meredith's surprise, it was Kamila's friend Melinda. She heard Kamila and her friends whooping and cheering for her.

Kamila caught Adam's eye as they were all cheering for Melinda and they shared a grin before Kamila remembered that she and Adam weren't exactly friends at the moment. A twinge of guilt and hurt struck her as she focused back on Melinda. Luckily, she didn't have to for very long, because the principal dismissed them all for the summer.

"Congratulations!" she gave Melinda a hug.

"Thank you!" Melinda said bashfully once more.

"I'll call you later, ok?" she said, turning to go towards her parents.

"Yeah sure," Melinda went off to find her own parents.

Meredith was giving Caden a hug, "Congratulations, sweetie!" she exclaimed.

"Mum!" Desiree hissed, "You're being embarrassing!"

Caden shrugged, although he was blushing, "It's alright," he mumbled.

"Let's go home," Kamila said, "I never have to see this school again!"

"Lucky," Desiree mumbled, shoving her certificate and medal into her backpack.

"Be careful with that," Derek said to her, "I want to frame it."

---

"I still can't believe you got the outstanding student award," Kamila said into the phone the next afternoon, "of all the people in the school, you get the outstanding student award."

"_It was only of all the people in grade eight," _Melinda said humbly, _"Besides; you took both the English _and _French awards, my little linguist. Not to mention, your brother is way smarter than me."_

"I wish my parents had passed those smarts on to me," Kamila joked. She knew she was intelligent, but she wasn't _super_ smart like her brother or her friend.

"_Ah, you got some of them,"_ Melinda reassured her, _"Do you want to hang out today?" _

"Yeah, sure!" Kamila said, cradling the phone between her chin and shoulder as she pulled on socks. "Do you want to go to the skate park? Dave said he was going to be there with Andrew."

"_Sounds like a plan,"_ Melinda said. Kamila could hear the grin in her friend's voice. She had a crush on the tall, dark haired boy that had recently moved to Seattle from Canada.

"Ok, I'll meet you there in half an hour."

"_Yup, bye!" _

"Bye."

Kamila flipped her head over and gathered her long curls into a loose ponytail. She grabbed her jean jacket and put her pink Roxy wallet into her back pocket. After she made her bed, she shut her door carefully and ran downstairs. Both of her parents were already at work. Desiree was eating cereal in the kitchen, and Caden was watching the _Bugs Bunny and Tweety Show_ on the cartoon network.

"I'm going down to the skate park with Melinda. If Mum or Dad calls, tell them I'll be back by four."

"I'm going to the stables in an hour," Desiree called from the kitchen.

"Ryan got a new video game, and I'm going over to his house after lunch."

Kamila sighed, and went into the kitchen to find a pen and paper. She left a note by the coffee pot, which was where her parents usually went first after work before hurrying out the door. She hopped on her bike and pedaled down towards the skate park.

---

Addison cradled the tiny, dark haired baby in her arm as she signed the last of the adoption papers. She knew Preston was very against her taking her home the little girl, but Addison had fought tooth and nail for the rights. The way she saw it, there was no reason why she couldn't take this baby home.

She was old, she knew she was old. It was too late for her to have children. She'd talked it over with Nathaniel, and they'd come to the agreement that it was now or never for adoption. She'd made it now.

She handed the last of the papers over to the social worker and kissed her new daughter on the forehead, "Let's go home, Raeline."

"So, the rumours are true," Derek said, coming around the corner, his hands in his pockets, "I just had to come and see for myself."

"Yes, they are," Addison said. Derek watched her face light up as she cuddled the little girl. He didn't think he'd ever seen her so happy. He felt a twinge of sadness that he was never the one to make her feel that way, but then realized he was also glad that she had finally found the ones in life who could.

"Congratulations, Addie," Derek said with a smile as he turned and walked away.

"Thanks," he heard her familiar voice echo through the entrance way right before he ran into Miranda Bailey. They hit so hard that they bounced off each other.

"Watch where you're going!" she said hypocritically, never taking her nose out of the chart she was looking at and never halting her purposeful strides.

Derek laughed at the same time his pager went off. He checked it; 911 in the pit.

---

"What is _he_ doing here?" Kamila crossed her arms and leaned back on the seat of her BMX.

"He's skateboarding, what do you think he's doing?" Dave said, stepping on the tail of his own board and grabbing it as it flipped upwards.

"Well you said it was only going to be you and Andrew," Kamila's brooding was cut short by the arrival of Melinda.

"Hey, all!" she grinned, screeching to a halt on her own neon pink bike.

"Hi," Kamila found herself smiling.

"Where's Adam's other half?" Melinda asked after she noticed that Kendra was no where to be seen.

"That is the point I was about to make," Dave said, laying his skateboard back down on the warm cement. "He showed up about half an hour ago all broody. I'm thinking all isn't so well up on cloud nine."

"Humph," Kamila snorted, "does it look like I care?" she tried to squash the feeling of elation that leapt in her stomach.

"Honestly?" Dave asked. Both he and Melinda were looking at her sceptically.

"Yes," the chorused, grinning. Kamila rolled her eyes at her friends and kicked the ground to get her bike moving. She headed towards a ramp, taking the little jump. She grinned as she left the ground, the wind in her hair. She loved this sport that Andrew had introduced to her two months prior when she saw him hopping from one planter to another on his bike.

"You know," she said breathlessly as she braked in front of him, "I think that today is the day I try that half pipe."

"I think that's a great idea," Andrew grinned, brushing his bleach blonde hair out of his eyes. He went to such great lengths to keep his originally dark hair blonde, and their friends all teased him whenever his roots began to show. "I'll take it first, and you can follow."

She watched as he rounded the top of the cement half pipe with ease. She followed him. It was perfect! She let out a whoop as she sped down the ramp. In her excitement, she didn't see the girl coming in from behind her on a bike. The two collided with a great force and Kamila flew forwards over the handlebars. A scream pierced the air and everyone watched to see her head hit the pavement and her body crumple over it.

She wasn't wearing a helmet.

"Oh my God, Kamila!" Melinda yelled, leaping off her bike and running towards her crooked form. Speechless, Adam hurried over too. He was the first to notice the blood on the pavement and in Kamila's beautiful hair.

"Someone, call an ambulance!" he yelled in a voice quite unlike his own. He beat the pavement by her head, not daring to touch her. "Kammi, please, Kammi can you hear me?"

She didn't move. Adam felt tears running down his cheeks. It was unmanly, but he didn't care. Kamila was hurt. Dave pulled out his cell phone and called 911. After a few moments, he said, "They said not to touch her, but to check if she's breathing." Adam stood frozen. Melinda wiped away her own tears, and bent down over her friend's broken form to check if she was breathing.

"She – she's breathing!" Melinda told Dave. Dave repeated that into his phone.

"They said to check her pulse. Hold her inner wrist with your index and middle fingers," he told her in a shaky voice.

"It's really weak," Melinda's voice squeaked after a moment. The group heard sirens in the distance.

"Hold on, Kammi, help's coming," Adam whispered into her ear.

---

"What've we got?" Derek asked as he pushed through the ER doors. An ambulance was just backing up to the doors. The ambulance doors swung open, and out jumped a tall, dark haired boy of about thirteen. Tears stained his cheeks as he stood to the side to watch them lower the stretcher to the ground.

Derek realized with a start that that boy was Adam. A moment later, he saw what he was afraid of. His baby girl was unconscious and strapped to the stretcher, blood matting her hair and staining the sheet.

---

There's always something to ruin perfection, but don't let that stop you from being optimistic.

* * *

Maybelline 


	32. Let Belief Be Your Lifeline

So, this chapter is going to be relatively short because where I want to go next has to be entirely in it's own chapter. You'll see why when I post it. (Hint: It's something a bit different I haven't done before.) Enjoy!

_Anything.you.want_: I love fluffy-ness and I felt I had to give everyone some before I brought their world crashing down around them... which I apologize profusely for.  
_FauxPoesFoes_: To picture Addison as a mother, you have to imagine how much she's changed since she met Nathaniel. I know I haven't written her very much, so I'll leave that up to you. I'll have a bit more about her later on. And as the answer to your question: no, the Shepherd children cannot stay out of hospital beds, because that would be too much serenity and fluff for me... I like my stories dark and twisty.  
_Paris_: Once again, I find myself enjoying your reviews. Thank you, for your compliments :)

**Disclaimer: **Not mine.

* * *

"Let's go, Cleo!" Desiree encouraged the young mare as they approached the jump. Desiree loved jumping. She always felt like she was flying. It was a free, liberating feeling. Her friend Hannah took the jump before her on the huge white stallion she'd always struggled to control. His name, fittingly enough, was Rex.

"Nice try," Desiree patted Cleopatra on the neck as she slowed her to a walk after they'd knocked the pole off the jump. Hannah made a move to dismount to fix the obstacle, but Desiree shook her head, "You got the last one we knocked down."

"Don't bother," Teresa's voice came from the doorway, "I've got my juniors in fifteen." She gestured to the three young children already in the stalls, "It's time to cool down."

Hannah pulled Rex up beside Cleopatra as they walked slowly around the ring. "I'm twelve next week," she said, "Would you like to come to my birthday party?"

"Yeah, sure!" Desiree grinned, "What do you want for your birthday?"

Hannah shrugged, "I don't know. My favourite colour is purple though."

"Ok," Desiree brought Cleopatra to a halt at the gate and dismounted.

"So, it's Saturday at two o'clock at my house. It goes until six, and we're having pizza for dinner. I'll bring you a map of how to get there on Monday. I won't be in on Sunday."

"Yeah, I don't think I'll be here tomorrow either," Desiree carefully removed the bridle that was now sticky with sweat. "Jonah's going to let Cleo out for me when he comes in for his private lesson." Jonah was a boy their age that they had both been riding with since Desiree's first day at the stables.

A half hour later, she fed Cleopatra a few sugar cubes, and ran out the door to catch the city bus that would take her home.

---

"Hello?" Caden let himself into the house at 5:30 when he got back from a fun day playing Ryan's new video game.

"Hi," Desiree called from the kitchen, "I'm making Kraft Dinner. Do you want some?"

"Yeah, sure," Caden kicked off his shoes. "Where's Kam?" he asked after a moment. Cinderella wagged her tail and he scratched her head.

Desiree shrugged, "I don't know. She said she'd be back around four. But, she probably just went to Melinda's house or something. I'm sure she called Mum or Dad."

"Yeah, probably," Caden got two glasses out of the cupboard and filled them both with grapefruit juice. The two of them drank grapefruit juice with everything, and everyone thought it was gross.

The phone rang, "I've got it," Caden reached over to grab the old cordless phone that hung in the kitchen.

"Hi, Caden honey?" his mum's voice came through the phone. It sounded strange; anxious and… was she crying?

"Hi, mum," he tried to make his voice as normal as possible. Desiree, as usual, picked up that something was going on with her brother before he intentionally let on. She stopped stirring the cheese sauce into the macaroni noodles and stared as he spoke quietly into the phone.

"What are you up to, baby?" Meredith asked. That was when Caden clued in that something was really wrong… she only ever called him baby these days when something was wrong.

"Um, Des and I are making Kraft Dinner," he told her, "Why?"

"Preston and Christina are going to pick you and Desiree up on their way home from work. You're going to stay at their house for the night. Your dad and I are staying at the hospital overnight. Kamila won't be coming home."

"Where is she?" Caden demanded, "Why are you staying at the hospital?" There was a long pause. A funny choking noise came through the line. "Mum!"

"Kamila's had an accident. Your dad is performing an emergency surgery on her," she paused, and Caden began to cry. Desiree crossed the kitchen and slipped her hand into his. "She's going to be fine, don't worry, baby," Meredith tried desperately to reassure her son. She needed someone to comfort her. It was bad. It was very, very bad this time.

Derek was the best neurosurgeon in the States, and he'd been concerned that she might die on the table, the damage was so extensive. The only reason he'd been allowed to operate was because she could have died in the time it took another neurosurgeon to arrive at Seattle Grace. Meredith found herself wishing once again that she'd been there to make sure Kamila wore her helmet. Meredith found herself crying along with her son. "Can I speak with your sister, please?" she asked.

Caden managed to squeak out, "Ok. I love you."

"I love you too," He handed the phone to Desiree, who had tears streaming down her cheeks, and she didn't even know why yet.

"Mummy?" she asked, squeezing her brother's hand.

"Hi, sweetie, Mum and Dad are staying at the hospital with Kamila tonight. She's had an accident, and is in surgery, but don't worry about it, she'll be fine," she knew she was talking quickly, but she wanted to get it all out before she broke down. She heard Desiree sob on the other end of the phone, "Preston and Christina are going to pick you up in about half an hour. Eat dinner, and pack a backpack. Tell Cade to do the same, please. I have to go now. I love you, Desiree."

"I love you too, Mum," she whispered. She hung up the phone, and brother and sister sat on the floor against the wall, hugging each other and crying. After a moment, Desiree finally managed to speak. "Mum says to pack a backpack, and to eat dinner."

"I don't want to eat," Caden choked as he pushed himself off the floor. He went to find his backpack, Desiree right behind him. They packed in silence. Just as Caden was zipping up his backpack, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly downstairs behind Desiree, and as they passed the kitchen, Desiree halted, ran into the kitchen, and turned off the element. She dumped the macaroni into the garbage on her way out the door.

Caden swung the door open. Christina was standing there with her hands in her pockets, "Hi, guys," she said stiffly. Caden and Desiree slipped on their shoes and walked past her out the door. Caden mumbled a hello.

The drive to Preston's apartment was long and quiet, punctuated by the occasional sniff from one of the twins. "It's going to be ok," Christina said once.

"Don't make promises," Preston whispered, never taking his eyes off the road. Neither of the children heard.

---

"Where's Adam?" George asked when he finally found Meredith.

"I called his mother hours ago, and he went home with her," she said blankly.

"Oh."

"George," Meredith said. They were sitting on the floor outside the gallery, "I need to know how the surgery is going. I don't want details. I want one of three words: Good, Unconfirmed, or Bad. Don't lie," she said, looking up at him, her eyes red rimmed. The surgery had been going on for three hours now. They had to be almost finished. Meredith prayed that a long surgery was good… at least she was still alive.

George nodded, paused to say something, but thought better of it and went into the gallery. The operating room was quiet. Derek was working on the small figure of George's goddaughter. All of her beautiful hair was gone. She was focused, but George could see a sort of determination in his eye that was rarely present during his other surgeries. She seemed stable, judging by what George could see.

"Good," he told Meredith, coming out of the gallery. She released the breath she felt like she'd been holding since she found out Kamila was in the hospital again. "They don't look like they're anywhere near finished enough to close, but she's stable, and everything looks alright," he softly knocked on wood so as not to jinx the outcome. Meredith leaned into George's arm and closed her eyes.

---

"Alright, we're done here," Derek said regret heavy in his voice, "I've done all I can do. There's too much damage at the meeting of the parietal and temporal lobes for me to fix. It must have been a hard hit for her to have been shaken so much," he felt detached from the fact that his daughter was his patient.

He didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to think that the irreparable damage was in the area of her brain that controlled her auditory functions. He didn't want to think that the horror he'd gone through when she was just a baby was back, and painfully real. The damage she'd received from the fever had made what should have been a routine procedure a struggle for all five senses. She had probably lost her hearing. She would never hear any of the beautiful music she played.

Of course, they wouldn't know for sure until she woke up, but from what he knew of the human brain… people normally didn't hear after achieving this sort of damage in their brains. He closed her up, scrubbed out, and went to find Meredith.

He found her sitting with George outside the gallery. He tried to mask his expression so that she wouldn't freak out when she saw him.

But she knew him too well.

"Derek, you don't look happy! Is she ok?" she asked, leaping up off the ground. He grasped her tightly in his arms.

"She's going to live," he left the sentence hanging in the air.

"But…" Meredith whispered. She knew there was a 'but'. If the surgery had been a complete success, he would have come out and right away said "she's going to be just fine." But he only said she would live. "What's wrong, Derek?" she pulled away slightly.

Derek sighed, and rubbed his eyes with his hands, "She may have lost her hearing."

"Haven't we been over this?" Meredith cried; her voice suddenly strong, "Haven't we already had the scare? This is just a joke, a sick joke someone is playing on us. She can't have lost her hearing again."

"Meredith, it's not for sure yet," he said, trying to reassure her, "it's… we won't know until she wakes up –"

"But you're almost certain it is. Derek, what was wrong?"

"Where the parietal and temporal lobes meet, there was too much damage. I did everything I could, but there was some tissue that was damaged beyond repair."

Meredith was speechless. She had spent the last three and a half hours expecting the worst, but even that hadn't prepared her for this.

"It's going to be ok, Mer," Derek breathed into her hair as he held her close. "We'll make it through." He wanted more than anything in the world to be able to believe that.

---

When it feels like it's all coming crashing down around you, grab onto a belief, any belief that will keep you afloat. It may be completely irrational, you may not believe it yourself, but just by believing it can bring you up from the depths of despair. Believing in something gives you strength.

* * *

Maybelline 


	33. It'll All Be Alright

_Derek-Fan_, _maraudermagik,_ _anything.you.want _and _THEsoccergirl_: Thank you all so much!  
_tayababy_: Don't worry, Kammi isn't dead.  
_desires-night89_: Thanks for that bit of information about newborns and daycare. I like it when people point out my inaccuracies so I can ammend them, or simply not commit the same errors in the future. If you have any suggestions on what I could do to improve the story, I'd love to hear them because it does matter if you like it or not: while I can't please everyone, I can try and please the people who are kind enough to tell me what they think :)  
_ajikan321_: I promise, MerDer love scenes are in the near future. I just can't put them in quite yet because it would be weird with the current situations. But they're coming! Stick with me!

And now, for the "something different" that I promised last time.

**Disclaimer:** If you haven't realized by now that Grey's Anatomy is not mine, what on earth have you been reading?

* * *

The fact that my head hurt was the first thing I thought as I struggled to open my eyes after what felt like a long, heavy sleep. My body felt like lead. I finally managed to open my eyes. The first thing I saw was an unfamiliar white tiled ceiling with a lot of tiny holes in it, similar to what you see when you zone out in math class.

I slowly turned my head to get my bearings. It only took me a moment to see that I was in a hospital bed at Seattle Grace. Sleeping on the bed next to mine were my parents, curled up with their arms around each other.

I couldn't figure out why I was here. The last thing I remembered was calling Melinda and making plans to go to the skate park. The skate park, not the hospital. I turned to look out the window. It was dark outside. I decided to find out why I was here.

"Dad?" I said. My throat was dry and sore, and nothing came out. I swallowed and tried again, "Mum?" still, nothing. What was this? I'd lost my ability to speak?

Mum and Dad were stirring though. They looked over at me, and suddenly relief washed over their faces. Then Mum's mouth was moving but she wasn't saying anything. Then, it hit me.

There was no sound.

The first word I lip-read is my name: Ka-mil-a. It has a hard beginning that morphs into a soft middle and an indefinite, open ending. As I recognize this word, I think about how I _don't _want to think about all of the things that are flooding into my head.

I'll never get to listen to my iPod again. I won't be able to hear music at all. What about the piano? What about my plans to play the flute in band next year? What about late night chats with Melinda on the phone? Or making fun of movies with Adam?

Adam. Maybe that wouldn't matter anymore. It's not as if we are acting like friends these days. I felt a twinge, as if I was forgetting something important. Well, it was probably just something minor… like the reason I was here!

"I can't hear you," I said. It was a weird sensation; it _felt_ like I was talking but I couldn't hear myself. Mum turned away, tears in her eyes. She pulled a pen and a scrap of paper out of her purse, along with some tissues. She handed the tissues to me. It was then that I realized I was crying. She wrote something down on the pad and held it up for me to see:

_It's going to be ok. _

My dad sat down on the bed beside me and held me to his chest. I could feel his heartbeat and the deep vibrations of his voice when he spoke. I realized that he was singing, although I didn't know how I knew.

Mum handed me the notepad.

_You were in a crash at the skate park. Adam rode in the ambulance with you. Dad operated on you last night and saved your life, but you probably won't hear again._

Adam had ridden to the hospital with me. He'd been there when I'd crashed. Dave had said it was just going to be him and Andrew… that didn't matter. I knew now what the twinge was for. Adam was there, and we were friends. It didn't matter what had happened in between. We were friends.

I looked up at Mum's face. She was hurting. She was in pain and it was so clear. I decided right then that if I was going to cry, I wouldn't let her see. I was going to be as optimistic as possible. I was going to take on an outlook just like Izzie's. Rather than try to speak what I couldn't hear, I took the pen from my mum, and wrote:

_I'm fine. _No, I crossed that out. She hated the f-word. _I'll be ok. We're all going to be ok. I can deal with this. Don't worry, it's not as bad as it seems._

I looked it over, and decided that I didn't really believe it, but I handed it to her anyway. I guess it's what she wanted to hear though, because she stopped crying and wiped away the rest of her tears. She managed a smile, and for that I knew my decision was worth it.

---

Something told me that Kamila wasn't exactly being honest with me when she said that it wasn't as bad as it seems. I know that if I lost my hearing, I would be pitching a fit. She's a sweet kid though, and I think that I still have a lot to learn about life from my children.

Derek held her, and even though she couldn't hear it, he sang that Billy Joel song he always sang to her as a baby. "Goodnight, My Angel". She appeared to relax a little when he sang; her face softened and she didn't look as though she was in pain. She looked so tiny and fragile, and her face looked strange without the usual curly tendrils framing it. I sat on the bed and watched them.

I came once more across the thought that she, with all of her almost fourteen years, was handling the situation better than I ever would; better than I am right now. I knew I should be the one comforting her. I should be the one reassuring her that it would all be ok. But instead, here I am, crying when she needs me to be strong and there she is, reassuring me.

"I'll be right back," I said to Derek.

He nodded slowly. Kamila never knew I left the room. She'd fallen asleep in the arms of her father. I slid down the wall and put my head in my hands. I was supposed to be the grown up. I was going to have to deal with two more children asking questions and looking to me for support when I go home tomorrow night.

"I heard about Kamila," Addison's voice softly cut into my consciousness. I looked up to see her standing in a shocking outfit of men's sweatpants and a baggy sweater. I'd only seen her like this once before.

"Are you ok?" I asked quite rudely. "Sorry, I'm so tired, and I can't deal with this… I'm feeling the need to lash out at someone or something."

"That's alright. I'm fine, I just got a phone call saying that there was a pregnant mother who had a heart attack, and they needed me to make sure the baby was ok and all that jazz. They're both fine now, if you care to know." Addison squatted down beside me. "Are you going to tell me why you're out here when your daughter's in there?"

I studied her for a minute. She was once the evil woman; the gorgeous McWife that was keeping me from Derek. Now… she was just another woman in the hospital who had problems and heartache just as I did. As I'd done so many times before with her, I spilled my guts, "I can't deal with it. My thirteen year old daughter is dealing with the loss of her hearing – _her hearing_ – better than I am. She reassured me. I'm supposed to reassure her. It's just all wrong, and I can't do this, I wasn't cut out for it!"

There was a long pause. It wasn't awkward, but we just sat, deep in thought. "I think that you love her so much that you can't bear to see her in pain. I think that the pain she is able to suppress, you can't because you are so focused on the fact that you don't want her to hurt that you aren't stopping to think that maybe this isn't as bad as it seems. I'm not trying to say you're wrong or selfish, but just look at it in perspective: she's alive; she's still just as intelligent as she was before the accident – which is saying something – and she's still Kamila. The only thing missing is one minor sense. The rest of her senses will make up for the one she's lacking. Meredith, it's not that you're weak, but that you love someone and want the best for them before you even think about yourself, and I understand that now like I never did before. You're doing the best you can with what you have."

"How's your daughter?" was all I could say. She was so right, and I was very surprised to hear it from her of all people. But I appreciated it.

"She's good," Addison's tone changed from serious to conversational. "She's perfect in every way, except the non-sleeping way. But I'm willing to overlook that," she said with a smile. I looked down at my hands and felt myself smile.

It was going to be ok.

---

I had never imagined that I would find myself in the situation where I would have to communicate without words. I can do that with Meredith, but that is on another level. We can tell exactly what each other is thinking by just looking each other straight in the eye. I can't lie to her ever. I know she loves me. I tell her I love her. All of this is conveyed through a single glance.

Now, I'm feeling handicapped. I cannot communicate with my daughter. Nothing I say will be cognisable to her. It's as if I'm speaking a different language. All I can think to do is sing.

Those hours in the operating room were the scariest of my life. I understand now why you're not supposed to operate on loved ones. It makes it hard to think. You are so focused on whether or not they'll make it through the surgery that you can't do your job properly. I can't help but think that maybe her loss of hearing is my fault. Maybe if it had been someone else I would have been able to repair it… but I'll never know, and all I can think to comfort myself is that she's alive.

I hear voices outside the door; familiar ones. I don't want to move for fear of disturbing Kamila or having her wake up alone. Trying to escape the world, I close my eyes and continue singing softly to her.

---

I _seriously_ can't stand all of this waiting. It's not good for me at all. It's four o'clock in the morning, and I'm pacing around the living room. Caden has given up on telling me to go to sleep. Christina and Preston are in bed sleeping. Around seven o'clock we got a phone call that Kamila was alive. Not that that made us feel any better.

"I can't believe that mum would phone, talk to only Christina, and then only say that she's _alive_? She's our sister for goodness sake! You think she'd feel obliged to give us a little more information!" We grew up around hospitals. We know that alive doesn't necessarily mean in perfect health.

Caden looked at me. His eyes were red from exhaustion and crying. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror on the wall. I looked the same. "Desiree, I lied," he said hoarsely, "I haven't given up. Come lie down on the couch with me. Please, try and get some sleep."

I rolled my eyes at him. Normally, he's my conscience. What he says goes because he's too observant to ever be wrong – in theory, at least. But this time, I was going to pace because if I was pacing, I wasn't worrying. I was too focused on not hitting the sharp edges of things that were poking out all over the place.

---

"Desiree, seriously," I pleaded, "If you're sleeping, you can't worry either." Once again, I'd read her thoughts and she halted. "You're going to put a hole in their carpet," I whispered as a last ditch effort to make her get some sleep.

It had been an incredibly long day. Kicking Ryan's little brother's butt at the new game seemed suspended in time light years away. I sighed and rolled over to face the dark green leather back of the sofa. For lack of anything better to do, I traced the folds in it with an arm heavy with exhaustion. I was worried about my sisters. Kamila because she was in the hospital "alive" whatever that meant, and Desiree because she was attempting to exercise control over the uncontrollable yet again.

I was worried about Mum and Dad and how they were taking this. Dad loves Kamila so much, and Mum… well, Mum didn't sound like my mum on the phone.

The sofa sank and squeaked as Desiree lay down on the other side and shoved her feet into his leg. "This had better work," she said, reaching up and turning off the lamp.

"Good-night, Dessie," my voice hung in the air.

---

Someone needs to make a guidebook on how to deal with tragedy and difficult things in life. Better yet; someone should outlaw it. But unfortunately until that happens, we're stuck with it. Supposedly it makes us stronger. But how strong can we get before we completely detach ourselves from the world?

* * *

Maybelline 


	34. Tricks and Treats

Alrighty everyone, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a couple days, but I had to work all this weekend, and I had two concerts to perform in, plus exams are coming up, so I haven't really had much time… but the chapter is almost finished, and I'll get it up as soon as I can.

In the meantime, here's a little MerDer fluffy tidbit to tide you over, hopefully. Enjoy!

* * *

"I'm so glad she's dealing ok," Meredith snuggled close into Derek's arms.

"Yeah, me too," Derek kissed her head.

"I can now de-stress myself," Meredith turned her face up so she could see Derek.

"You are a very Dirty Mistress," Derek teased her as he planted a kiss on her nose.

"Why thank you, Dr. McDreamy."

"I think you need a McNickname yourself," Derek laughed, "I don't like the idea of you as being a dirty mistress."

"Well, you'd have to talk to Christina for that. She tends to assign the McNicknames."

Derek ran his fingers on her bare stomach. She inhaled inadvertently at his touch. Without warning, his mouth was on hers and she kissed him back fiercely. She felt like a lusty teenager as he slowly pulled her shirt over her head to reveal a very sexy black lacy bra.

"Meredith Shepherd!" Derek feigned shock, "When did you have the time to pick this up? I most certainly haven't seen it before."

"You don't know _everything_ about me," Meredith gave a coy smile, "I have a few tricks up my sleeve yet."

"Well, I like it," Derek kissed her collarbone, and rolled over so she was on her back, and he trailed kisses down her chest. "I love you, Meredith Shepherd," he whispered.

"I love you, too," Meredith managed before she pulled Derek up to kiss him again, and she allowed herself to succumb to the power of her desire as he slipped his tongue gently into her mouth.

* * *

Hehe...  
Maybelline 


	35. Let Me Count the Ways

Alright, to everyone who has read my fic, thank you so much. I enjoyed your reviews so much, and they are often what made me write more. I'm so sorry that I haven't written in such a long time, and the reason is this: the reason I began this fic was because I desperately needed an outlet for something that was going on in my life. This was my therapy. Yes, I do sound like a weirdo, but it's true. Now I'm not waiting for someone anymore because like Derek went back to Meredith, he came back to me, and all is well. Now, here is a final mini chapter that is for anyone who ever read this, and double for those of you who were kind enough to take your time to tell me what you thought. I'll see you soon in my next fic. Please enjoy.

_JainaZekk621_I'm sorry you thought the last chapter was gross. It wasn't meant to be, and if anyone finds it offensive, I will remove it: just let me know.

* * *

"I love you, Dad," Kamila whispered as her father kissed her cheek. He smiled; his eyes full of unshed tears as he slowly let her hand slip from his. She noted how distinguished he looked in his pristine suit and his salt and pepper hair. He walked back to her mother, who was sitting in the first row smiling proudly, the skin crinkling around her eyes and mouth. Derek thought she was beautiful.

"I can't believe she's all grown up," Meredith whispered, taking her husbands hand as he sat down. "All grown up and getting married to the kid in preschool who offered to share his blocks."

Her flowing, brilliant white dress whispered softly along the ground as Kamila walked towards her fiancé in the silence she had disregarded long ago. She still played the piano, feeling the vibrations beneath her fingertips and feet in a symphony of silent sound. Mostly though, she wrote her own music as an outlet. She could express her silent thoughts in a barrage of sound. Kamila was in her second year of university at the University of Washington, studying to be a journalist. Somehow though, she knew everything was better expressed in music.

Desiree, dressed in a soft blue bridesmaids dress, grinned at her parents. Her long, thick hair fell in soft ringlets down her back. Stunningly beautiful, the difficult young child had grown into a fiery eighteen year old with a quick wit and a kind heart.

"Good luck," Caden whispered to Adam as he pushed his glasses up his nose once more. He'd filled out a bit since his childhood; his martial art had built some muscle on his lanky frame. Still as soft spoken as ever, the young artist had received his acceptance letter to the New York School of Visual Arts two weeks ago, and would be flying across the country in two months' time.

Kamila's insides were bubbling, and she was overwhelmed with happiness. She never thought that they would make it to this point. They'd began dating when Kamila was sixteen. Adam had proposed to her on prom night a year and a half later. The romantic gesture was thrown back in the poor boy's face when she refused, saying they were too young. Exactly one year after that, he'd asked her the same question, and she'd finally said yes.

Two years after that, now that they were finally twenty, they were standing at the alter on the same day Adam had originally proposed. It was bright and sunny, unusual for Seattle, and they were getting married in a park with beautiful falls in the background. (A/N: I've never been to Seattle, and I don't know if this place actually exists… but there you go).

Adam took Kamila's hands in his as she faced him. _I love you_, he signed into her palm. Her face lit up, and she signed the same phrase slowly into his. Secret conversations had often taken place using this method of communication, and many a trick had they pulled over their parents heads by appearing to hold hands when they got into trouble.

Meredith turned to Derek as the ceremony ended. "I would have waited a lifetime for you," she said in a low voice, "but we have three beautiful, smart, wonderful children, and for that I am glad I only had to wait one hundred and seven days."

---

_How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.  
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height  
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight  
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.  
I love thee to the level of everyday's  
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.  
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;  
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.  
I love thee with a passion put to use  
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.  
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose  
With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,  
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,  
I shall but love thee better after death._

-- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

* * *

Maybelline 


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